Buck Rogers ~ A view from the future.

Supposedly, in the year 1987, NASA launched a probe into space.  Now this probably did happen, NASA are always attacking space with something, they say it’s for information and explanation, but I think it’s just so they can justify their huge wages. Anyway, to cut a short story shorter, this probe was actually a little starship (well fuck me, NASA have had starships for years and we still don’t have a McDonalds on the moon yet). The crew of this starship consisted of one brave man; you know the type, square chin, macho, bad hair. His name was Buck Rogers and he represented Earths best hope of winning the up and coming Mr Milky Way contest (ok so that last part is probably false, but he could have been sent up there for that reason). Something up there though didn’t like the gallant Mr Rogers and decided to express its displeasure by kicking him 500 years into the future via a freak “accident”. Now that’s spite for you!

Apparently half a millennium down the line Earth is going to be … well pretty much the same as it always was, as normal as it can be after recovering from a nuclear war that is. There are still wars, still idiots who masquerade as politicians and I’m guessing there are still chavs and pikeys standing on street corners trying to look tough. The only real noticeable differences are that robots walk around freely (and speak in an irritating way), beautiful princesses want to conquer the world and make all men slaves, and all the cities are now new, for example; New Chicago, New Paris and New London (I’m guessing there will be a New Leeds and New Manchester as well). Buck’s not going to find it too hard to fit back in, he’ll probably join some kind of defence force and be a maverick with no ties to anyone.

Oh he did!

So here we have Buck Rogers, a 20^th century man in a 25^th century air force, now that’s taking your career opportunities in both hands, isn’t it? His new job role isn’t preparing to fight those pesky Russians or getting ready for Desert Storm, it’s to help protect the world from alien hordes. Personally I think that a world that wants to update all its towns and cities and call them “New This” and “New That” needs a good alien invasion, just to show them that new isn’t always better than old (how an alien invasion will prove that I have no idea, but I’m sure it will). Unsurprisingly Buck is a natural at this, must be down to him helping carry along the cover up at Roswell.

He’s quite the nice guy is Buck, both charming and witty in a tough, action man kind of way, so why then is his best friend forever a robot? A fucking robot! Obviously Twiki and his “biddi-biddi-biddi” catchphrase has cast some sort of robotic spell over Buck’s common sense, ‘tis the only explanation I can think of.

After a bit of a break and a slight rethink, I’ve come up with another conclusion, maybe Buck is using Twiki in the same way that a lonely man might use a baby or dog, namely to attract the attention of a woman. It is a classic ploy, admire pretty woman, use something cute to attract her notice, once her attention is secured turn on the charm. Now I’m not saying Twiki is cute (I suppose you might consider him such if you have unhealthy designs on robots), but maybe he is Buck’s idea of a substitute for a baby or dog.

The pretty lady in question is none other than Buck’s new boss. Most men are a bit prickly about serving under a woman (rather stupid that as women are often more competent than men), but I’m sure even the most primitive of male brains would have no problem submitting themselves to the lovely Wilma (Colonel Deering), and doing whatever she wished. I know I wouldn’t! Buck is a bit more forward thinking than most of his fellow men though, thus he can accept Wilma as his boss without feeling any less macho, the fact that he fancies the arse off her helps as well.

She’s quite the major badass is Colonel Deering (should that be colonel badass?) and anyone crossing her or her underlings is likely to be one sorry mess on the floor afterwards.

But no tough astronaut who’s sent to the future should be without a nemesis and thankfully there is one, well she is kind of. Just because she wants to conquer the world by flashing her flesh and seducing men into bed doesn’t mean that Princess Ardala isn’t evil. Looking at it she’s probably more likely to succeed that way than thinking up diabolical plans that almost always go wrong. Offering free sex is a great distraction when you want the world unprepared for your alien invasion.

So Buck’s got his work cut out for him up there, but I’m sure he’ll get by and make the future safe for all of us. Maybe, with a bit of luck, he’ll realise that his hairstyle is way, way out of date and he’ll go for a more civilised look. So spare him a thought as he drifts above us for the next 500 hundred years, without even the benefit of internet chatrooms to help pass the time.