“There’s
somebody at the door, there’s somebody at the door”
Can I ask, has anyone ever been so excited by
someone knocking on their door that they’ve all but had an orgasm at the
thought of having a visitor? Nope? I thought as much. So it’s just the freaks and
window-lickers then!
But I suppose you can’t really blame Rod Hull for
getting a tad enthusiastic about the possibility of adult conversation, all he
had to talk to really was a bunch of waster kids and a psychotic puppet that
resembled an emu. Any conversation that didn’t make him feel like a paedophile
must have been a welcome relief. And seeing as his house was called “the pink
windmill” adult visitors must have been few and far between.
In curiosity, what kind of visitor could a man who
lives in a pink fucking windmill, and constantly has his hand up Emu’s arse
expect? Certainly no one rational, no one he can talk politics or any of the
major issues of the day with. Would you want to travel to a bright pink
windmill and run the risk of getting pecked to death by a glorified
hand-puppet?
So really it’s no surprise that poor old Rod looked
like he’s made an excited mess in his pants every time there was a rap at the
door. Even if it could have been the police, coming to arrest him for “doing a
Michael Jackson” with all those kids.
And now we’ve brought him up, what the fuck was
Emu’s problem? This was a puppet who’d made it, he was the celebrity of
celebrity’s in the puppet world, eclipsing anything that squeaky voiced idiot
Orville could do. He’s had a successful showbiz career spanning a few decades
and some fairly successful TV shows and he’s rumoured to be up for the lead
role in the new version of Animal Farm. Yet he’s a dick! All he wants to do is
attack people, peck at them until they accept his mastery. Did you know poor
Michael Parkinson is still in therapy, years after Emu’s vicious and unprovoked
attack upon him? Only Rod’s little friends seemed to be safe from Emu’s
attentions.
So why do we love this uncontrollable and rage
filled puppet? Is it because we are an inherently violent species trying to be
civilised, and thus we have to live vicariously through Emu to indulge those
violent tendencies? Or is that far too complex an answer? If anyone has a theory
I’m open to hearing it!
Emu did have someone other than Rod who wanted him
around, though I’m sure Grotbags had a completely different reason for it.
Ah Grotbags, has there ever been another witch quite
like her? Assisted by her two helpers; Robert Redford, a gay robot and C3PO
wannabe and Croc, a huge idiotic crocodile who’d leave even Steve Irwin feeling
unimpressed, Grotbags manages to fuck up just about every plan she hatches. Since
most of her plans involve kidnapping Emu we can only be sorry that she fails
all the time.
Instead of being like any normal and respectable
witch and carrying a wand, the green faced old trout carried along a freaky
looking thing called a “bazazzer”. Looking like a cross between an arm and an
umbrella it was hardly likely induce fear in even the most abject coward, and
the most use she put it to was to beat her incompetent assistants around the
head while shouting “bazazz” to activate the thing.
And there readers is a brief description about a
trio of the freakiest characters ever to disturb young minds. Don’t exactly
sound like role models do they?
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