Premier League Season Review 2013-2014

This is brilliant and fucking totally, stupidly funny! While I'd love to take credit for it, I can't, I found it online, cluttering up a forum!

So here we go, this is a team by team season review for the entire Premier League. Enjoy and laugh as your team is ripped to shreds!

In case you missed the opening comments, this is not my work, so any complaints will be met by a raised middle finger!

20) Cardiff - I think my favourite part of Cardiff's season was Vincent Tann giving that interview to the BBC in order to try and prove he wasn't a nutcase. The same interview that convinced me beyond any doubt that he was, in fact, a nutcase. Meanwhile, about 90% of the criticism aimed at him came as a result of him sacking Mackay, for spending £15m of Vincent Tann's money, without Vincent Tann's permission. When you think about it, this actually makes it about the most non unfair sacking in the history of football management, and possibly employment in general. Mackay also bizarrely escapes without criticism for the laughably poor players he signed using this money, giving Solskjaer, and whoever replaces him, next to no chance of turning fortunes around. Tann now appears to be in some kind of spite bubble and will probably move Cardiff to Asia just to get back at the fans for daring to act like football fans. THe first of a number of clubs on this list that would probably accidentally run itself better if everyone involved went around deliberately trying to sabotage it.

Verdict - 3/10 Championship manager signs Championship players for Premiership fee, with non-existent money. Owner goes mad then claims everyone just thinks he's mad because he wears bond villain glasses and thinks the team's shirt colour harnesses some kind of mythical power.



19) Fulham - A team who started the season being managed by Mark Hughes...no wait, Martin Jol...no, er...Rene Muelestene? Anyway, now managed by soon to be sacked Felix Magath (who's one of those guys you've heard of before but aren't really sure why), Fulham have put in a feeble effort this season...Apart from that one game on Monday Night Football where they kept scoring wonder goals. Other than that, the main highlight was a draw at Old Trafford which was somehow even more embarrassing to witness than a crushing 6-0 defeat would have been. Their inevitable relegation will devastate their several fans almost as much as Nani taking his statue back did.

Verdict - 3/10 Attempted to stay up by bringing in a rejected coach from another club then letting him sign loads of rejected reserve players from the same club..then sacked him about 2 weeks later.



18) Norwich - The pitifulness of Norwich can perhaps be summed up by the performance that ultimately relegated them. A battling, deliberately achieved 0-0 draw against Chelsea, in a game they knew they needed to win in order to have any chance of staying up. After which their manager announced his pride at this achievement, as if it somehow wasn't the dumbest performance any team had produced all season. Imagine the enraged fury of watching your team play out for a draw in a game they needed at all costs to win, only to then announce they were pleased with the outcome. What on earth is going on? Norwich can also showcase a raft of players with exactly the same face. For example, Bradley Johnson, Robert Snodgrass, some guy I saw playing for their reserves, and some other players probably.

Verdict - 3/10 - They basically deliberately got themselves relegated.



17 ) West Brom - Marvel as one of the club's biggest ever name signings, Nicholas Anelka, takes several months of sulking to score 1 goal, then celebrates it by acting like a Nazi sympathising racist and getting himself banned, and sacked. Watch as Pepe Mel fails to win a game for what seems like an eternity, while the board back him by publicly admitting that they think he might be a bit rubbish. Become gradually more confused as West Brom move slowly away from the relegation zone, despite the fact you can't remember ever seeing them win a game. Then become even more confused when you try to remember how it was again that West Brom got into the premiership in the first place.

Verdict: 6/10 It's West Brom. Anything that isn't being soundly relegated is always going to have to rank as some level of achievement.



16) Hull - People have had a chance to witness as Steve Bruce not only defends, but actually finds a way to praise his players for things like spitting on people, and physically assaulting opposition managers. A team featuring one of the many trademarks of a Steve Bruce team...Steve Bruce's son, who follows Steve Bruce around being allowed to play in the first team despite clearly not being good enough. Every Steve Bruce team seems to hover around the same level of not quite being rubbish enough to be at risk of being relegated...which usually results in significant praise for Steve Bruce...for about a year, and then after that he eventually gets sacked and the team promptly get dragged into a relegation battle.

Verdict: 7/10 Significant praise for Steve Bruce



15) Aston Villa - The team who's only relevance on any season, ever, is in how their results affect other teams in the league, rather than themselves. For example, this year's most memorable Aston Villa moment; ruining Chelsea's title chances in order to gain absolutely nothing for themselves, at all. Lining up with sometimes good and sometimes completely useless Benteke, and sometimes good and sometimes replaced in the starting line up with someone you've never heard of, Adbonglahor. And Westwood, a player so unremarkably average, he's destined to sign for Aston Villa, despite already playing for them. A team capable of bursting suddenly into life and running even good opponents into the ground, such as away against Liverpool. Also capable of being so passive, you wonder what the point is in them even being on the pitch, such as at home, against Liverpool.

Verdict: 5/10 At least they didn't make a huge deal out of a League cup game against Bradford, and then lose it, this time around



14 ) Sunderland - In the absence of Wigan, someone needed to stay up by spending most of the season appearing to be completely *****, then suddenly revealing in the last two months that they merely couldn't be arsed up until that point. Featuring, a raft of unpunished dives from Adam Johnson, useless fumbling around by Emile Hesk....Altidore, and how to get sent off more times than you actually play, with Wes Brown. Once Sunderland were released from the grip of their Nazi sympathising manager who hated all of the players and everything they stood for, they brought in the slightly less insane Gus Poyet and were able to flourish...eventually, sort of. Even managing to win a penalty shootout at Old Trafford, by missing nearly every single one of their penalties, which in a way fittingly sums up Sunderland's succesful abject failure of a season.

Verdict - 5/10 Sudden, nonsensical transformation into a decent team is usually a bad sign in the long run.



13) West Ham - West Ham's season has for some reason revolved around the questionable tactic of playing Andy Carroll up front on his own, hoofing the ball up to him, and then having him head it down to no one because he's playing up front on his own. Strangely West Ham seemed to persist with the tactic of hoofing the ball to Andy Carroll, even when Andy Carroll was missing from the team with long-term injury. Less strangely, against Spurs it actually managed to work. Ravel Morrison stepped up to provide possibly the biggest highlight of West Ham's season...an uncontested backheeled volley scored on the training ground...for England U21s. Morrison was shortly after shipped out by Sam Allardyce for, allegedly, not signing a contract with a specific agent, or more likely because he's an unstable lunatic who doesn't hoof the ball enough. Still playing games at their famous Bolyen ground (which is so famous everyone calls it Upton Park, and so state of the art, it's literally been condemned as a dangerous structure), before their move into the oversized, unsuitable Olympic arena, which by becoming the home of West Ham, will ensure it has its legacy as both an Olympic, and football stadium, completely destroyed.

Verdict: 6/10 Wherever Sam Allardyce goes, he's not really welcomed to stay, which is exactly why he should remain at West Ham.



12) Swansea - A team of such astonishing relevance, I literally had to go and look at the league table to see which team it was I'd left out of this review. With a manager whose name I also can't remember, but who's basically just some guy who used to hang around at training. Mysterious disappearing players such as Mitchu, and mysteriously appearing new players such as Wilfried Bony; the latest in the list of Premier League strikers who manage to become good players by essentially being useless at everything. A Welsh team who dress up like a bunch of sheep, and then often play like a bunch of sheep, but who sometimes though increasingly rarely turn into Barcelona. Now once again the only Welsh team playing in the English Premier League.

Verdict: 5/10 The curse of the Europa League. A competition so dull, it depresses teams who compete into ruining their entire season.



11) Crystal Palace - "Crystal Pulis!" lol...good one Martin Tyler. A fantastic play on words. Well done. Arguably most notable this season for featuring some of the ugliest crowds ever televised (even the away fans seem to get noticeably more ugly when they visit Palace)...Presumably it turns out Ian Dowie's face was the result of some infectious disease that spawned from that set of violently angry home fans by the far left cornerflag. Also however notable for forcing basically everyone to eat humble pie in regards to Tony Pulis, and for making Luis Suarez cry. A team who call themselves "The Eagles", release eagles on to the pitch before every game, and have a man dressed as a giant eagle stand by the crowd cheerleading them, despite having no actual affiliation with eagles at all.

Verdict: 8/10 Relegation fodder turned into midtable stability by virtue of realising nearly every team in the league plays like a bunch of prematurely released clowns.



10) Newcastle - Newcastle have gone a bit boring this season. Spending the first part winning games by being dull and entirely unconvincing, and then the second part of the season losing games by doing exactly the same thing. Newcastle's most entertaining player is now their manager,Alan Pardew, abuser of old men, headbutter of random Irishmen, and enemy of Newcastle. Despite this, fans have once again been enthralled by Newcastle's easily most talented player, Hatem Ben Arfa, as he's excitingly spent large chunks of the season...sitting around on the bench, or being banished to the stands by Alan Pardew for being an unreliable nutcase, where he can sit in the company of people like...Alan Pardew, who's been banished to the stands by the FA for being an unreliable nutcase. Only Newcastle could somehow find a catastrophic looking way of being completely irrelevant and dull.

Verdict: 6/10 Alan Pardew is like the incredible Hulk except instead of turning green and invincible, nothing happens, and then he has to start apologising to everyone to avoid getting the crap kicked out of him.



9) Stoke -A new manager at the helm, which means Stoke fans have watched in bemusement as their team attempted to stop playing like Stoke and start playing like a real football team, only to realise they couldn't and then revert back to trying to be Stoke again. Only to realise they couldn't do that anymore either, but then realise that there's so many awful teams in the league that it doesn't really matter. Armed with the ability to play terribly, and then snatch barely deserved wins with ridiculous 30 yard shots. Boasting hideously deformed players such as Charlie Adam, and Dean Whitehead, whose face is so large, it's probably looking at you, right now. A fan base that remains comprised of people who look like they were kicked out of the West Ham supporter's club for overdoing it a bit. A ground famed for its harsh wind and weather conditions, yet when it did start raining against Manchester United, the game got stopped and all the players ran into the tunnel.

Verdict: 6/10 Stoke make me angry, and Pulis leaving has left me confused as to why, which makes me more angry.



8) Southampton - The Sunderland of the South. Boasting a team of players who nearly all look almost exactly the same as each other, and who all pass and move with the ball in almost exactly the same way as each other, and a 17-year-old left back who everyone seems to have decided will one day be the best player in the world, despite the fact almost no one's ever really watched him play more than a few times (move over Phil Jones)...and, a manager who blatantly pretends he can't speak or understand English, just so he doesn't have to put up with Geoff Shreeves. A team who've spent the season playing a more modern and attractive brand of football than the rest of the league, despite being from a part of the country where football has barely even been invented yet. The sort of team where big name misfits like Shinji Kagawa and Mezut Ozil could go, and actually look like good players. Literally the only team apart from Liverpool who can actually claim to be a better team than they were or should have been this time last year.

Verdict: 8/10 Having half a team of players being hyped above their actual ability level is a good sign that you've done well.



7) Manchester United - United fans have struck a strange kind of balance this year, in so much as that the reasonable middle ground is completely deserted while the two extremes balance off each other like two fat people sat on a seesaw. On the one hand, match going fans remained steadfast in their vocal support of David Moyes and his gang of hilariously underperforming players, regardless of the obvious shambles and stupidity unfolding in front of their eyes. While on the other, internet fans ignored the countless valid criticisms of David Moyes, in order to completely make up completely over the top criticisms to discredit him with. For example, claiming Moyes ruined United by getting rid of Phelan and Muelestene...two egotistical, resentful coaches who no one really knew anything about. One of whom has been sacked more times than David Moyes, since being sacked by David Moyes.

A club on a relentlessly determined mission to undo all of Sir Alex Ferguson's good work in as little time as possible. Like a destructive kid set loose on a city made of lego. signing players for well above their contractual buyout clause, because they didn't think the player was worth the buyout clause. Wasting an entire summer agreeing to sign players from Spanish teams, then not actually signing them, and employing a manager who

- Constantly admits he "doesn't know" what to do about things

- Disregards good performances from players yet relies unshakably on those who repeatedly perform symbolically

- Signs a player for £42m, then admits within a week that he doesn't know what position to play him in

- Makes United so bad that it's actually a surprise when they don't lose a home game.

...only to then sack him at the exact point in the season it became mathematically too late for any other manager to retrieve anything.

United, a club that, against all the odds and sheer laws of chance/probability, has managed to go an entire year without getting a single thing right. The club's brightest sparks this season are the goalkeeper and a teenage prodigy who is regularly dropped for Ashley Young.

Verdict - 2/10 Abject management. featuring a spine of players who play every week like they're hung over and have been dragged to fulfill some form of community service, and a back up pool of players who play maybe every few weeks then disappear again for no explained reason.



6 ) Spurs - I was going to put something new, then realised what I wrote earlier in the season is still exactly as applicable now and forever. So here it is: An identity crisis of a club. Splashing money and overspending on players with no second thought, but then whenever one of their players turns out to be better than the rest, selling them to a better team. Levy might dig his heels in until 1 minute before the transfer deadline, but the player always leaves. A selling club trying to buy their way to the top.

Every striker at the club is constantly marginalised to make room for the other strikers at the club…even when they only have two strikers. They play a high line with defenders who like to drop deep. They sign every available midfielder under the sun and then use as few as possible, or resort to using 18-year-old youth team players in central midfield. They specialise in pacey wingers who either can’t or refuse to cross the ball. They play a goalkeeper who goalkeeps by constantly running away from his own goal.

Sherwood is the confused befuddlement of a manager they’ve been waiting for. He’s like a fan, but not just any fan. One of those who becomes irrationally angry during games, who you can’t take to the pub with you, who loves supporting the team so much that he hates everything about it. He wants the team to show more guts. He wants players to be angry at things and each other. he wants everyone to care as much as he does….he trusts Adebayor more than any other attacking player. Presumably behind closed doors he strangles Adebayor with one hand whilst hugging him with the other.

He wants his team to wake up and believe they are good enough to beat the top sides, and he does this by publicly telling them that they’re ***** and can’t be counted on. He's everything Tottenham are in a nutshell.

Verdict: 5/10 The only plan is to relentlessly fight against the plan.



5) Everton - A half decent, barely improved team which has engulfed itself in a smug sense of self richousness that even Arsenal would struggle to rival. Everton can pass the ball now (because they never did that before apparently). They play, the "right" way. They are a real football team. They've awoken from the dark ages of the Moyes era. I mean jesus *********** christ are medals given out for this sort of self appreciating nonsense now or something?

They can also take on the top teams now we are told. As their string of hard thought battling defeats, draws and occasional home wins (i.e. exactly what they've been up to for years) proves. In truth, the sum total achievement of Everton's revolution under Martinez, can be whittled down to them moving a whole one place up the league. An achievement which when you think about why, can in fact be almost entirely accredited to David Moyes.

Exciting times also lie ahead as Everton can look forward to two of their best players, and their most talented young player, all returning to their actual clubs having spent the season on loan.

Verdict - 8/10 Everton being Everton but looking slightly more like Wigan. I'm not convinced that this bodes well for the future.



4) Arsenal - Each Arsenal season is like watching last season back again. In fact, even if I say "even in a season where every team in the league bottled it, Arsenal still managed to bottle it by comparison" it's still basically the same thing I said two years ago. Attempting to address their lack of bottle, by signing world-famous and known bottler Mezut Ozil...who then bafflingly received ALL of the blame when Arsenal bottled it. Hopes were high early on. Fans became arrogant and obnoxious. Piers Morgan resurfaced. Pundits foolishly talked of Arsenal as a genuine threat. Then they flexed their true title credentials, visiting their three main title rivals and only losing about 16-3 on aggregate, managing to concede 6 goals against a Chelsea side who were basically deliberately trying not to score, and cowering from the challenge like someone going without dinner because they're too scared to answer the door to the pizza delivery man. It's not even funny anymore. So predictable that even Paul Scholes, who never says anything, about anything, can appear on television and casually pick apart everything wrong with Arsenal, without so much as a stutter. Paul Scholes also accused Jack Wilshere of not improving at all since he first burst onto the scene, which if anything is slightly harsh on the younger Jack Wilshere, because at least no one had realised how much of a ***** he is back then.

Verdict: 7/10 At the start of the season Arsenal fans wanted Wenger out. Then he spent £40m on a player who ultimately turned out to be completely pointless, and Arsenal produced exactly the same sort of season they always do, and now they all love Wenger again.



3) Chelsea

The mighty Mourinho has returned. The man who insufferable football nerds and disgruntled United fans will hail as a managerial and charismatic god in the face of any evidence whatsoever to the contrary.

Witness as he dispels claims of him being boring with:

- Unecessarilly long post match interviews in which he recounts the entire game you've just watched, play by pay, for no reason

- Prolonged unexplained sulking

- 0-0 draws

- Especially uneventful and drab 0-0 draws, in games which both teams needed to win in order to mathematically keep their season alive

- Unprovoked, indirect digs at Arsene Wenger, which no one, including Arsene Wenger, could care less about



Gasp in awe at ingenious managerial tactics, such as:

- Falling out with his best player and selling him to a different club

- Falling out with his remaining best player and slagging him off in public

- Repeated telling everyone in public that his players are too **** to win the league

- Spending all summer trying to sign a player he had no chance of ever signing, then signing someone much less good at the last-minute, then getting caught slagging them off in public

- Stating he's going to build his team around a particular player, then dropping them halfway through the season

Mourinho has Mourinho'd Chelsea so much, that they've become the best team in the world at stopping other teams from winning, to the point that it's even extended to stopping themselves from winning. Chelsea also have so many of the same, vague type of attacking player, that they actually managed to name nearly an entire team of players against Manchester United who were playing in the same position...and yet still no one really knows exactly what that position is.

Thought: I wonder what Chelsea fans would think of their manager after this season if his name was Rafa Benitez?

Verdict: 6/10 - A trophyless season of boredom glossed over as apparently being a success because it's what Mourinho said would happen, even though it was his job to make sure it didn't.


2) Liverpool - No one will forget the galling, moving image of unapologetic racist Luis Suarez weeping uncontrollably, having failed to win a League title with the team he cares about so much, he spent all summer desperately trying to leave them. Liverpool have invented an interesting new concept this season. The concept of "deserving" to win a prize you're competing for and which there is nothing stopping you from winning, but without actually having to win it. Presumably at the next Olympics, Usain Bolt can now just stand on the starting line in the 100m final, and wait for the gold medal he deserves to run up the track to him? Most baffling about this theory (which has been rammed repeatedly down everyone's throats), is that Gerrard has been bestowed with this sense of entitlement more than anyone else...the man whose lack of non brainless leadership qualities and inability to keep his nerve, is one of the main reasons Liverpool didn't win the league.

Another thing that's been rammed repeatedly down everyone's throats, is the constant claim from Liverpool supporting people that "all the neutrals" want Liverpool to win the league. If you look up the word neutral in the dictionary, it becomes clear this is akin to claiming the Nazis were neutral during the second world war. Furthermore, this claim actually pushed me from being relatively neutral, to actively wanting Liverpool not to win it, because like most normal people, I don't like being told what I'm allowed to think...especially not when it involves cheering for Luis Suarez.

Liverpool have scored 101 goals in the league this season. An actually remarkably impressive tally, matched only by the combined number of "Spanish" dives Sturridge and Suarez manage to conjure up between them, per game.

Suarez can however take some comfort in between balling into his pillow, in knowing Liverpool are one of about two teams in the entire league who have actually improved in any significant way at all since last season.

Food for thought: Remember the time a title chasing Manchester United were awarded 3 (THREE) penalties at Anfield in one game, and cheated to get the Liverpool captain sent off, and received praise as a result instead of it initiating some mass conspiracy hysteria? No, neither do I.

Verdict: 9/10 "yeah but they didn't have the Champions League to worry about", "they got lucky with injuries"...blah blah blah. No one expected Liverpool to get into the top four, then no one expected them to stay there. Then no one expected them to be in the title race, then even when they were, no one expected them to stay there or win it, then when everyone finally started thinking they could, they immediately screwed it up. Still...



1) Manchester City - For the second time in three years, Manchester City win the league by completely bottling it like a bunch of fannies and throwing it away, only to have it handed back to them when their title rivals inexplicably do exactly the same thing. A team who could blow any side away at home...until opposition teams actually started turning up there at which point it turned out that they couldn't. A team that extracted revenge for its shock FA cup final defeat by Wigan, by going out of the FA Cup, at home, to Wigan. A team criticised for being almost completely reliant on whom pundits claimed to be its one key player....Sergio Aguero...and David Silva...and Yaya Toure...and Joe Har...whatever. Other notable players include Demichellis. A man who spent most of the season taking the blame for Vincent Kompany's constant mistakes, which would then somehow be used to praise Vincent Kompany...a man pundits claimed to be City's one key player. Witness also as Manchester City drive home their dominant local support, by failing to sell out their stadium for key title deciding games, top-tier Champions League fixtures, and generally any game that takes place at any time. Mystery remains as to what Javi Garcia actually does, whether Dzeko is amazing or really terrible, and why Pellegrini always looks like he's just stubbed cigarettes into both of his eyes.

Verdict - 7/10 Occasionally brilliant, often underwhelming, and mentally naive...but with Yaya Toure instead of Joe Allen/Mikel/injured Jack Wilshere.







Inaccurate statements:

"The closest title race in years" - You mean closer than the one two years ago, which was decided on goal difference, in injury time on the last day of the season?

All the neutrals want Liverpool to do it - " 1) Neutral (adjective) - Not supporting or helping either side in a conflict, disagreement, etc.; impartial:" "2) (noun) An impartial or unbiased state or person: "I attended the cup final as a neutral"' http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/de...nglish/neutral

"Ashley Young was signed to replace Ryan Giggs" - Sir Alex Ferguson 2014 (published)

"We do not let this *********** slip now" - Steven Gerrard/various ****take Vine videos



Special features:

- Shocking and unexplained refereeing, most notably from world cup approved referee Howard Webb, and UEFA approved referee, Mark Clattenberg

- Pointless, smalltime plane banners

- Almost no competent defending whatsoever

- Unbiased Sky commentary/punditry, from Liverpool fan Jamie Carragher, Liverpool fan Jamie Redknapp, Liverpool fan Graeme Souness, and apparent Liverpool fan Martin Tyler

- Michael Owen proving he's even more dull than you already thought he was, even though that shouldn't technically be possible.

Fond memories of childhood

Now I may have spent too much time gazing through the rose tinted glasses of nostalgia, but I think I’m fairly safe in saying that as a young lad summer was a far better time then than it is today. As an adult about all we do in summer, is work the same amount, maybe enjoy a beer garden or 2 and occasionally, if the saving has gone well, take a well earned holiday. While it’s not exactly horrifying (well the work side is), it’s not quite as much fun as a kids summer.

Think about it, when you were growing up, still at school, summertime was something to genuinely look forward, it was almost as anticipated as Christmas. The following are just a few of the reasons why:

1. You had 6 weeks off school. 6 whole weeks with absolutely nothing to do, other than play daft games with your friends and be rarely seen in the house.
2. Every day seemed to be hot. It probably wasn't scorching every day, but I'll bet you probably spent most days in shorts and t-shirt, or whatever young girls liked to wear and you had a tan created by a sunbed or painted on.
3. Ice cream tasted better. Now this may not sound important, but summer is ice cream season and the better the ice cream the better the day! These days there's just too many varieties of ice cream and sometimes too much choice is a bad thing.
4. Trips to the seaside. Seaside trips were one of the great delights of being a kid, even though you saw the place at least a couple of times a year, the seaside town you visited always seemed a bit more exotic than your hometown. I was a Blackpool kid and of course Blackpool had the Pleasure Beach, but I'm guessing those who went to Brighton, Skegness and Yarmouth had just as much fun as I did.
5. No school. I know I mentioned it in the first point, but for a different reason. No school meant no lessons, no sitting in a stuffy classroom filling your growing mind  with information you'll likely never need (oh and how we learned the error of that type of thinking). For 6 weeks you didn't have to be structured, you lived almost by instinct.

How would a typical day go? I’ll have an attempt at recreating one:

8:00am ~ Wake up, realise you’re not in school, and actually get up without being dragged kicking and screaming from bed.

8:00am to 9:00am ~ Wash, brush your teeth, use Dads aftershave and try to scream at the shock of it on your face. Spend a while choosing your clothes, you’d want a pair of shorts that showed off the scars on your knees, war wounds were cool. Head off downstairs eat breakfast and watch cartoons.

9:00am to 12:00pm ~ Go knock on for friends, make sure a football is brought along at all times. You could play many games, and frequently did, but with a football you could either A) make those games more interesting or B) invent new games. A game of knockout* wall-y** was to be played before lunch.

*knockout was basically a kids simpler version of a knockout competition. A goalkeeper was selected and each person had to score a goal to proceed to the next round, one person was knocked out each round. The last round, the final, involved the last 2 kids and the winner was the first to score 3 goals.

**Wall-y involved finding a big wall and blasting a ball against it. You were only allowed to touch the ball once and that was to hit it against the wall. You had to hit the ball from where it stopped, or was rolling toward, and if you missed the target you were out.

12:00pm to 12:30pm ~ Dinnertime. You all congregated at someones house were their parents would make you all sandwiches and attempt to boost your sugar levels to insane amounts by filling you up with fizzy pop.

12:30pm to 5:00pm ~ More playtime, a whole afternoons worth of fun, games and lots of skinned knees. These were the best times of summer holidays, when you could have that whole afternoon to do whatever you wished without much fear of parental intrusion, that truly was heaven then. We had a little wooded area near our estate that we called “The Forest”, a lot of times we could be found in there, building dens, playing army and pretending we were outlaws after watching Robin of Sherwood.

5:00pm to 6:00pm ~ Teatime. One of only 2 times during a day when we were expected to follow a routine. Teatime was rigid, you were in at 5, washed and sat at the table ready to be served your evening meal. Either ketchup or brown sauce had to be at the table for tea.

6:00pm to 9:00pm ~ Back out for the final few hours of the day. This was the time for relaxing and serious debate; football, girls, who’d win in a battle between He-Man and Lion-O?

9:00pm ~ Time to go home. We had curfews back then and on pain of death we stuck to them! You didn’t want to be grounded for the summer for coming in late.

The following day would be more of the same, with few variations. Unless of course it was the day of the Blackpool trip, then it was a day for memories.

Those were the days; before responsibility, getting a job, earning a wage and having to be (almost) sensible. Wouldn’t you like to go back, if only for a day and see if the memories live up to the reality?

Playground Football

Just as an aside, this wasn't written by me, but I felt it was to good not to be shared with people who will have fond memories of playground and street football!!

Duration

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or “bottle” of the participants with regard to corporal punishment met out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as “poofs”, through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their gins and journey from the staffroom, known as “chancers”, and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as “bampots”. This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and bampots in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play – a lunchtime, for instance – is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five bampots against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).

Parameters

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went “over the post” and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the “best fighter”; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.

There are no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects denote the boundaries, ranging from the most common – walls and buildings – to roads or burns. Corners and throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines are denoted by a two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead, a scrum should be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with the ball trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and should escalate to include as many team members as can get there before the now egg-shaped ball finally emerges, drunkenly and often with a dismembered foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should look out for the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins bearing down on goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be unaware that the ball is no longer amidst their feet. The goalkeeper should also try not to be distracted by the inevitable fighting that has by this point broken out.

In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards or “a big dug”, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is “no’ a full-size pitch”. This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal response to “yards”, which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

The Ball

There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School Football. I shall describe three notable examples.

1. The plastic balloon. An extremely lightweight model, used primarily in the early part of the season and seldom after that due to having burst. Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that year’s Premier League sides printed all over it. Advantages: low sting factor, low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages a long-ball game. Disadvantages: over-susceptible to influence of the wind, difficult to control, almost magnetically drawn to flat school roofs whence never to return.

2. The rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half Portuguese Man o’ War. On the verge of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is not for sale to children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes as a kind of aversion therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed with neutron star and coated with dead jellyfish. Advantages: looks quite grown up, makes for high-scoring matches (keepers won’t even attempt to catch it). Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.

3. The “Tube”. Genuine leather ball, identifiable by brown all-over colouring. Was once black and white, before ravages of games on concrete, but owners can never remember when. Adored by everybody, especially keepers. Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes a satisfying “whump” noise when you kick it. Disadvantages: turns into medicine ball when wet, smells like a dead dog.

Offside

There is no offside, for two reasons: one, “it’s no’ a full-size pitch”, and two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The lack of an offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These players hang around the opposing goalmouth while play carries on at the other end, awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can help past the keeper before running the entire length of the pitch with their arms in the air to greet utterly imaginary adulation. These are known variously as “moochers”, “gloryhunters” and “fly wee bastarts”. These players display a remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own appraisals of their achievements, and caring little for their team-mates’ failure to appreciate the contribution they have made. They know that it can be for nothing other than their enviable goal tallies that they are so bitterly despised.

Adjudication

The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between the opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two accepted ways of doing this.

1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by both sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance with the spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn into “a pure skoosh”. For example, in the event of a dispute as to whether the ball in fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone inside or “over” the post, the attacking side may offer the ultimatum: “Penalty or goal.” It is not recorded whether any side has ever opted for the latter. It is on occasions that such arrangements or ultimata do not prove acceptable to both sides that the second adjudicatory method comes into play.

2. Fighting. Those up on their ancient Hellenic politics will understand that the concept we know as “justice” rests in these circumstances with the hand of the strong. What the winner says, goes, and what the winner says is just, for who shall dispute him? It is by such noble philosophical principles that the supreme adjudicator, or Best Fighter, is effectively elected.

Team Selection

To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are selected democratically in a turns-about picking process, with either side beginning as a one-man selection committee and growing from there. The initial selectors are usually the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group. Their first selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a fair balance in the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don’t have their own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely bleeding noses. They will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly meritocratic order, selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness, but not forgetting that while there is a sliding scale of players’ ability, there is also a sliding scale of players’ brutality and propensities towards motiveless violence. A selecting captain might baffle a talented striker by picking the less nimble Big Jazza ahead of him, and may explain, perhaps in the words of Linden B Johnson upon his retention of J Edgar Hoover as the head of the FBI, that he’d “rather have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in”.

Special consideration is also given during the selection process to the owner of the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be “his gemme”, and he must be shown a degree of politeness for fear that he takes the huff at being picked late and withdraws his favours.

Another aspect of team selection that may confuse those only familiar with the game at senior level will be the choice of goalkeepers, who will inevitably be the last players to be picked. Unlike in the senior game, where the goalkeeper is often the tallest member of his team, in the playground, the goalkeeper is usually the smallest. Senior aficionados must appreciate that playground selectors have a different agenda and are looking for altogether different properties in a goalkeeper. These can be listed briefly as: compliance, poor fighting ability, meekness, fear and anything else that makes it easier for their team-mates to banish the wee bugger between the sticks while they go off in search of personal glory up the other end.

Tactics

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose – according to circumstance – from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as “Cattenaccio”, the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as “Nomadic”. All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.

Stoppages

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy of “no Post-Mortem, no free-kick”, and play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.

Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: “Ye canny make me”; or B: “It’s no’ ma baw anyway”.

Stray dog on pitch. An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog does not have to make off with the ball, it merely has to run around barking loudly, snarling and occasionally drooling or foaming at the mouth. This will ensure a dramatic reduction in the number of playing staff as 27 of them simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the teacher of the threat. The length of the interruption can sometimes be gauged by the breed of dog. A deranged Irish Setter could take ten minutes to tire itself of running in circles, for instance, while a Jack Russell may take up to fifteen minutes to corner and force out through the gates. An Alsatian means instant abandonment.

Bigger boy steals ball. A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the players’ experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players’ older brother is “Mad Chic Murphy” or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.

Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last “until you learn how to play with it properly”, but instruction on how to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious stoppage:

Menopausal old bag calls police.

Celebration

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces.

Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer’s contribution. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard* rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet “moochin’ wee bastart” from the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from team-mates. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three categories.

*Actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because “it’s no’ a full-size pitch”.

Penalties

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are buggered if Wee Titch is going to steal any of it.

Close Season

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to play as it is to watch.

The trials and tribulations of being an England football fan

Being the observations and expectations of a typical England fan

Well Euro 2012 ended up in a depressingly familiar way for us England fans, we were subjected to another competition exit by the losing of a penalty shoot-out. 7 penalty shoot-outs lost out of 8 we've taken part in. Something tells me that we're shit at taking penalties under pressure.

So what do we do now? Well it's as you were, we move on, we regroup and we prepare ourselves for the next inevitable quarter-final exit.

And this is how things will go:

1. Qualification. Yaaaaaaaaayyy!! We've qualified for another European Championship/World Cup. This time it's gonna be ours. This time football is coming home!

2. Naming the squad. What?? Why?? How the fuck did he get in, he's shit? Why isn't he in the squad, he's been the leagues best player? Every time the England squad is named nearly every one of us turns into a professional manager, 'cause we know best ya know! The current boss doesn't stand a chance.

3. All radio channels overplay every single football and football related song they can think of, just to get us in the mood! Because if we don't listen to John Barnes rapping at least 10 times a day then we're not going to appreciate the tournament we're in.

4. Facebook and other social media sites get spammed with people screaming "believe" at each other. Believe and we can do it, believe and this group of lead-footed players will magically turn into Barcelona overnight, believe and we'll not only win this tournament but bring about world peace and also galactic peace. Belief is all we need ya know!

Gonna have to pause the list here a moment while I vent. If someone says to me "believe" again, I'm gonna burp in their face, preferably after eating garlic all day. If belief was all we needed then we would have qualified and won every competition ever. But it's not and we haven't! Talent and ability win the big shiny things, not a group of pissed up people with Union Jack's tattooed onto every conceivable body part.

Vent over!

5. The pre-tournament friendlies. We scrape to a few 1-0 wins over nations who'd struggle to play in a pub league. But hey a win's a win no matter how well you play, besides the players have to get used to playing with each other. You've gotta beli... *slap*

6. It's time for the opening game, the beer is bought, the crisps and other snacks are ready and waiting. We all strive to sing the national anthem, without knowing a fucking word of it. We play shit and sneak our way to a lucky result, usually a draw. But c'mon, that's the hardest game in the group over with, and they had 12 men to our 11 'cause the ref was clearly on their side. Despite the ref sending off 2 of their players and denying them 20 clear cut penalty claims. We never won so the ref was dodgy!

7. Rinse and repeat point 6, just change the excuses for the performance, "they were the host nation", "they've always been our bogey side". Argue and get upset on Facebook, threaten to delete people because they dare to be critical. Being critical makes them shit fans and not fit to be called English.

8. Somehow qualify from the group, find out that Germany could be faced at some point before reaching the final. Worry.

9. We reach the quarter-finals, even the most pessimistic start to feel a slight touch of excitement. Extra time and penalties are a very real possibility and the tabloid newspapers mention this on the back page every day until the game. And the game is underway, the streets of England are eerily silent, even the chavs have stopped threatening people for a few hours. Well wouldn't you know it, after 2 hours of biting your nails all the way down it's penalties. AGAIN! Which England players will miss and get to star in Pizza Hut adverts for a few years? England lose on penalties! It's the old, old story yet again!

10. Oh well hard luck lads, you played your hearts out and gave your all. Never mind that thanks to the footballing powers that be we were technically inferior to our opposition and didn't actually deserve to be anything more than a team just making up the required numbers for the competition. There is one silver lining, no one is screaming "believe" in each others faces now, well not for another 2 years at least, when we'll go through all this crap again. Oh great fucking joy!

There you have it, one cynical and jaded fans view of England at an international tournament. Maybe next time they'll prove me wrong and football will really come home, but I ain't getting my hopes built up anymore!