I think, therefore I must drink...

Well it's been a long time since I've updated this. I wonder if blogs can feel neglected? Hmm...

Anyhow it's a Friday night (I'm the master of the obvious), so I'm keeping a bottle of wine company, I hate to see something so good look so lonely! I know, I am a good Samaritan!

Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.

So it's a Friday night, I've established that haven't I?? I'm drinking and being lazy ... so lazy in fact that I'm not even going to write a proper post out, just leave you with some funny stuff I've found online!

I will have themed posts again soon, now that my muse has returned from an extended holiday!

Funny alcohol warnings:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a giraffe in heat.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may maak you tink you can tipe real gude.

Genuine holiday complaints; or who let these dumb fucks have a passport!!

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African Game Lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

14. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."

15. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

16. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

17. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

18. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

19. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite."

20. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

And last of all, proof that even Australians can be funny.....

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

And that is that! Come back soon when I attempt to compare which is the best between a centaur, a pegasus and a unicorn...

Warning!

Just bored and found these very pertinent alcohol warnings. How many have applied to you??

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• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends leave.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other people around you without spitting.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting pulverized.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol will make you believe that you are tougher, smarter, faster and more handsome than everyone else around you.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
• 
  
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Things of great evil.

I'm sat here, maybe enjoying a vodka or 10, and am about to have a ramble about some of the great, unacknowledged evils in the world.

Not the evils that affect the world, but the more personal, everyday evils. Those that leave you cursing fate and family members alike. First world problems in other words!

This is the start of the rambling list of evilness:

I - Running out of brew making equipment

Don't you just fucking hate it when you go into the kitchen, switch on the kettle, wash your cup and then discover that you have no coffee/sugar/tea/milk? What bastard trick of fate allows this to happen?? Blame has to be placed somewhere, and since Hitler, Saddam and Stalin are all dead the obvious candidate for blame is whoever went to the shop last. If that person was you then blame everyone else for not reminding you!

Evilness rating 9/10

II - Lighter runs out and there's no spare in the house

This obviously only applies to smokers, so can be ignored by the healthy among you! I tell you though, it's friggin' annoying, you just want to enjoy a nice, unhealthy cig and your damn lighter won't work! Whether it's the the flint that has died or the gas has run out, plainly something somewhere wants you to suffer. It's not too bad if you have a gas cooker as the gas rings can be used until you can get to the shop. Beware of burned off eyebrows though.

Evilness rating 7/10

III - Being disturbed on the toilet

You've just sat down to do the crossword, read a book or write your will, when some inconsiderate bastard asks when you'll be done and can you hurry up. For fuck sakes you've probably worked and suffered all day, and you're just looking forward to that peaceful bathroom trip. But when you finally get yourself sat down everybody decides that they now need the toilet, despite having hours to visit before you even got home!! It's at this moment you wish for a shotgun. True you can always go back after every one has been, but it's the principle of the thing dammit!

Evilness rating 6/10

IV - Running out of alcohol

Imagine the scene; you've just finished a long, stressful weeks work, all you want to do is sit down with a few bottles and get steaming, blind drunk. You pour yourself a few drinks, get nicely merry and that's when you discover you've no booze left. Which utter, fucking heartless bastard drunk that bottle of vodka you had?? Who could do such a thing (it was probably you but you forgot all about it). You're forced to go to the shop when you're half-cut and that is something that no one should have to do, dealing with shop assistants when tipsy is pure evil (I'm a shop assistant I know these things).

Evilness rating 9/10

V - Fitted bed sheets

Although like any normal person I love the feel of getting into a freshly made bed, it feels good alright, don't judge me! I absolutely loathe with a passion the time when it comes to actually strip a bed down and remake it. Not for the reasons that others do, the duvet and shit, but for the fitted sheet. Is it only me, or would anyone else prefer to suffer some painful form of torture in order to escape the ordeal of the fucking fitted sheet? If I strip the bed during the day I'll put off the remaking of it as long as possible, often right to the very last hour of the day, just because I know what's coming. You pull the bed out as far as possible, get the corners of the sheet into place (after 5 minutes searching for the fucking things), so far so good. Here's were things start to go seriously wrong, each edge is elasticated so you can never tell which is top, bottom or the sides, you stretch the sheet down the bed and one corner comes loose, you swear. Refit the corner, stretch again and the other corner comes loose, your swearing multiplies. You restart the process, have some luck with no corners pulling loose and discover that you've got it on the wrong way, it ain't gonna stretch to the bottom of the bed, you invent swear words that never existed until that moment. By this time you're hot, sweaty and perfectly willing to spend the rest of your life sleeping on a bare mattress! You can't even make a fucking simple bed, just what does that bode for any dreamed of future success? Finally, finally you get the damned thing on, step back in pure relief and notice that there's creases and lumps everywhere. Scream!

You know, when I win the lottery, I'm gonna hire someone and pay them fucking good money just to make the bed every couple of weeks!

Evilness rating 10/10

That's my tiny list done, maybe you all have different things you consider evil, but I'm writing this for me, so kiss my arse if you don't agree! Or laugh and mock me, it's all good!



Here's my little disclaimer; this is a (poor) humourous list, if you take it all seriously then you may need to remove the stick up your arse :)

10 things to remember for a night on the booze

The following helpful list is brought to you by fond memories of staggering home at 4am, not being able to figure out the use of a door-key and thus having to make the doorstep your bed for the night.

 The following tips aren't in any particular order of importance, just how they came to me.*

10

Always keep track of your friends. It's just possible, when you've sunk quite a few drinks and the alcohol is saying hello to your brain, that you might mistakenly carry on a conversation with a chair or other inanimate object, mistakenly believing it to be your friend. This generally happens when you turn away for just a moment and the friend you were conversing with goes to the bar without informing you. So always watch your friends, it can save you from years of embarrassment and piss-taking.

9

When partaking in the buying of rounds, always make sure that you have the cheapest drinks when you're buying and the most expensive when your friends get out their wallets. While this may make you out to be a cheapskate, just remember you have hours of drinking to get through therefore your money needs to last.

8

That dodgy kebab shop that stays open until 3am is dodgy for a very good reason. Just because you've drunk enough booze to fill the Pacific ocean twice over doesn't mean you are now a super being who is immune to food poisoning. Stay safe, avoid kebabs made with unknown meats and pizzas that have been chucked in an incinerator. There's always bread at home, you can have toast.

7

Alcohol does NOT improve your ability to dance. If you dance like a twat with 2 left feet when you're sober, then chances are excellent that you'll dance like a drunk twat with 2 left feet when you're lashed. Spare your blushes, and possible appearances on YouTube and don't dance at all.

6

Similar to the above point, alcohol does NOT improve your ability to sing. If you sound like a cat being strangled with cheese-wire and having its tail pulled at the same time, then trust me when you're drunk you'll sound 10 times worse and the police may be called to see who's being murdered in the pub. So when the karaoke comes out resist that temptation to jump up and pretend you're a rock star.

5

Beware of beer goggles. This should be really obvious, but sadly even to this very day many people still ignore this advice. You can always be assured that on a night out at least one person will succumb to the power of beer goggles and consequently see someone of the opposite sex as more attractive than they actually are. This then leads to a night of sex (always a good thing), followed by horror and recrimination in the morning as you realise who's home you went back to. The only thing to do then is follow the time-honoured tradition and escape through a kitchen window. So remember, alcohol alters the reality of your perceptions.

4

As a counterpoint to the above point, always hope someone has beer goggles. If you look like me and have a face that could give Freddy Krueger  some seriously fucked up nightmares, then beer goggles are your friend. They are quite possibly one of the few chances you have of getting laid. And if you take somebody to bed at night and wake up alone in the morning you've always got the comforting thought that at least you had sex. So live in hope my fellow freaks.

3

Alcohol does NOT make you a charmer. Just because you're drunk and feeling very eloquent, doesn't mean that your favourite cheesy and shit chat-up lines are suddenly going to work. You may think you're acting all smooth and sexy, but in reality you're just acting like a pervy twat, probably drooling all over and smelling of spilt beer. To save yourself getting a slap, borrow some deodorant, have yourself a wash and buy the object of your affection a drink. That way if you do get knocked back at least it'll be polite and relatively pain-free.

2

Drunk ramblings do NOT impress strangers. When you're drunk you have a tendency to believe that random strangers in a pub both want and need to hear your opinions on every fucking subject you can think of. Since you're drunk, music and politics seem to be the only subjects you can think of to inflict on unsuspecting strangers. And you do so, in excruciating detail, until the poor bastards are so bored and/or traumatised by you that some friendly person has to jump to their rescue. If you do want to vent your opinions, vent at the barman, he's getting paid to be in your presense.

1

No complaining. You've had a great night out, had lots of laughs and drunk various and undoubtedly weird drinks. You've managed to get yourself home and into bed safely, where you can fall unconscious for a few hours. In the morning you'll wake up and feel like a whole troupe of people wearing steel toe capped boots have stopped by in the middle of the night and used your head as an impromptu dance floor. This is your hangover. You may feel the need to cry and whinge all day, but you shouldn't. Why? Because you've paid good money to create this hangover. You know the consequences of having a good night out, yet you willingly go ahead anyhow, therefore you deal with your misery in a dignified way and not complain. The saying "I'm never drinking again!!!" is exempt from this as it is not technically a complaint, it's more a long-standing weekend tradition uttered by almost every person in the drinking world.


*This is a lighthearted, humorous post and should be read as such. Under no circumstances should you harbour any desires to hunt me down and have me killed for any offence you may take from reading this!

In bourbon dreams.

I'm pretty shit at poetry, but as I'm wasting a bit of money on some alcoholic beverages I might as well make the attempt while I'm still without inhibitions!!

So here we go:

AN ODE TO BOOZE

As I sit me down to drink,
I take the time to have a think,
These thoughts are mine,
Just watered by wine,
So listen here,
As I ramble about beer.

Lager, cider, bitter or stout,
I'll drink the lot and stagger about,
Give me vodka and I'll be happy,
But on the gin I do get sappy,
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder,
While brandy brings the mind to ponder.

I love the bourbon that I do,
But in a pinch amaretto will do,
Out on the town it's all about shots,
Jaeger and sambuca hit all the right spots,
Whisky I can drink just barely,
Alcopops are bought quite rarely.

Bailey's is just a bit too sweet,
Bacardi and rum knock me off my feet,
Vermouth is a great drink to start,
But I'll carry cointreau in my heart,
Before I pour another glass,
I'll leave you with this touch of class

Pay heed to this rhyme it'll serve as a warning,
And give you all the excuses you need in the morning.

1 tequila
2 tequila
3 tequila
Floor!