Fantastical jobs.

Fresh from discovering some of the oddest and more dangerous jobs in the real world, I've turned to the worlds of fantasy to see what job opportunities might be lurking there.

Now as you may or may not know my mind is constantly dwelling in some fantasy land or other (it's certainly preferable than thinking about Bacup on a daily basis) and populating that land with characters of my own creation. To any famous fantasy authors who may somehow come across this blog, no I'm not writing fanfiction in your world, so please don't hunt me down and kill me in some horribly brutal manner!!

Ahem!

Anyhow, back on to the silly, unbelievable topic at hand.

Now obviously in Middle Earth, Midkemia, Westeros and other such places they don't have job adverts in the classified sections of newspapers. In fact they don't even have newspapers! I've always found that to be a bit regressive to be honest...

So how do they find work then? Well I don't bloody know the answer to that! I do know that they all work though, they're not lazy, dole-dossing scum like the natives here!

Since most fantasy worlds are based upon the Medieval world then it stands to reason that they're not going to have very technical jobs, or technology based workplaces. So no theme parks, Lego sculptures or train pushing will be found here.

So you must be asking yourself, what do they do for employment? Well you're probably not asking that at all, but it does my ego good to think you might be!

So I've used my vast knowledge and come up with three careers that might be available to the common, generic fantasy character and two positions of importance that should be seized if opportunity presents.

Now remember people, this is just for fun, no getting bent out of shape over it!

So here we go:

Dragon slayer

Now as everyone knows, dragon's are a bit of plague to most fantasy lands, constantly stealing gold, kidnapping virgins and killing lots of people without much warning. They're a bit of a nuisance really. So what's needed is someone who can take care of these pests on peaceful life, preferably someone who likes to wear lots of metal and is relatively skilled in the art of sword hacking. What can I say? This is a job with an excellent benefits package; fame, fortune, people everywhere wanting to have sex with you. Interested? There's not much of a retirement package to go with the job, but really is that important?

Pros: You have job security for life.

Cons: You're more than likely going to die on the job.

Adventurer

If wandering strange lands, exploring old ruins, fighting all manner of nasty beasties and finding lots of useful treasures interests you, you may want to consider a profitable career as an adventurer. Now this is a self employed position so a knowledge of taxes and accountancy could come in handy. If you're a bit fussy about wearing the latest fashions and always looking like you've just come out of the salon, then don't apply. This is a job that requires you to travel far from civilisation, be almost constantly dirty and have almost no access to local gossip at all. If that last hasn't put you off, then sign up now and have an interesting life.

Pros: Lots of job satisfaction and no deadlines to meet.

Cons: You have no fixed abode and beds in inns are usually full of bed bugs.

Bard

If you wish for a career with less danger and opportunities for dying and more luxurious surroundings, then maybe the position of bard would suit you. Whether it be a travelling bard witnessing great events and singing for your supper at the finest inns in the world or a court bard, entertaining kings and queens and having your wicked way with all the court servants, a job as a bard is fun filled and rewarding. Obviously and ear for music and a talent with instruments is quite important, so if you consider One Direction as the pinnacle of music then please don't apply.

Pros: Easy life, free room and board.

Cons: You'll never really be taken seriously.

Dark Lord

Now this is one of the most important jobs in fantasyland. Every hero needs an adversary to struggle against, how's he going to make his name otherwise? Quite understandably the position of dark lord is one that doesn't become available very often, in fact job openings are once every few hundred years or so. So if interested you have to get your application in extremely quickly once the previous occupant of the role has been horribly killed. The job role is to take over the world and crush all hope underfoot whilst cancelling public holidays. References are definitely needed for this role as the minions under your control will expect someone with experience. Despite reports to the contrary, an evil laugh is not a job requirement.

Pros: Vast armies at your control, everyone is afraid you'll come for them.

Cons: There's always some bright spark plotting your ultimate demise.

The Chosen One

Like the above role of dark lord, the role of chosen one is a rare one to come available, when it does it usually suits those from working class backgrounds who have uncertain parentage. The job requires no experience whatsoever as free on the job training will be provided by a grumpy yet mysterious teacher. It's an extremely fulfilling role and carries with it the gratitude of all non-evil people in the world. Sold on it yet? There's also the promise of fame, fortune, marriage offers and the possibility of becoming a king, or even a god. Of course like every job, getting started is a bit difficult, what with evil and insidious people and nasty beasties trying to kill you, but with the right work mates those teething problems of the job shouldn't be too much of a problem. And hey, what's a little struggle if you get to save the world and have everyone bow down to you?

Pros: Everyone's going to know your name, forever!

Cons: The Dark Lord wants to kill you in a horrible manner and use your ruined corpse as a reminder to the common people he wants to conquer.

There we go. Here's hoping that you found the above list informative (don't laugh), or at least it kept you amused for the few minutes it took to read through it.

Goodbye for now.....

The Toxic Avenger ~ Why nuclear waste is bad for you

Not so long back, well it was a few months ago from time of writing but that’s not long is it? Anyhow, not so long ago and at the behest of my friend I sat down and watched my first ever Troma movie.

Oh My Fucking God!

You better be prepared for cursing because I think there may be a bit of it in this post.

I’ve seen lots of different types of movies, so I thought I’d be prepared for this one, holy shit how wrong I was. My eyes and brain have only just recovered from the sheer brutal assault upon them. In fact it’s very possible that at some point I may need counselling to deal with the troma … sorry trauma of this experience.

If any Troma fans want to help me pay for sessions then I’m open to donations!

Would it surprise you after reading all the above to learn that I really enjoyed this movie? I know it surprised the shit out of me to realise that once the end credits started rolling I was sad there wasn’t more to watch. If I’d have seen it as a teenager I’m damn sure I would have loved it obsessively.

It’s got violence, bad language, gore, tits and really bad sex what’s not to like? Well aside from the really wooden acting, but if you watch a lot of porn you should be used to that. There are a couple of disturbing scenes, but they don’t detract a lot from the enjoyment.

What’s it all about though?

Well I’m not going to do a thorough review as that would just be spoiling it and I certainly don’t want to do that. But a very basic description would be, “nerd gets revenge and gets the girl”. Sounds very clique doesn’t it? But it’s what surrounds that basic premise that lifts this movie into the fucking surreal.

We’re introduced to the town of Tromaville (I’m taking a wild guess here, but I’m thinking this town may be made up), a typically American town filled with thugs, big breasted women, corrupt officials and a slight toxic problem. Well it was the mid-eighties and everyone seemed to want to do a Chernobyl before it actually happened. Lovely little Tromaville (location unknown) is also home to Melvin Junko, the man with the mop, the man with teeth so huge dentists the world over would likely have wet dreams about them.

Melvin is our hero, well sort of, he’s gotta suffer horribly a bit first before really earning the hero tag. And suffer he does, from looking like an advert for pure nerdiness to the endless abuse he gets from Bozo and his hit and run loving pals. But that’s all mild compared to the pain and suffering caused by taking an involuntary bath in a barrel of toxic waste. Yes you did indeed read that right, barrel of toxic waste and man swimming in it. Thanks to a malicious prank and a couple of idiots who’d prefer to get stoned rather than doing their job properly, this is Melvin’s fate. Well at least it’s a memorable way to go out, right? Even if it’s excruciatingly painful it’s still memorable. So alas poor Melvin, we didn’t know you very well.

Don’t grieve too much though, because if you’re a geek with teeth the size of a small fucking country then toxic waste isn’t bad for you, in fact it’s the best thing to ever come into your life. Because for geeks toxic waste is the route to ultimate superhero status.

See these posts can be quite educational.*

So in defiance of all natural laws, Melvin Junko, mild mannered goofy geek, becomes The Toxic Avenger!!!

I totally never saw that one coming (that was sarcasm by the way).

Now the fun can begin.

On to the scene now steps The Toxic Avenger (henceforth known by the popular name of Toxie), a hideously ugly, gruesomely deformed monster who is driven to destroy evil. Destroy is definitely the right word for the way Toxie treats his victims. He rips off arms and beats villains with the soggy end, dry cleans little old lady’s (they are obviously evil), deep fry’s robbers and crushes heads in gym machines. As a calling card he jams a mop into the skull of his every victim. You’d think that people could figure out who this weird superhero was off just the mop bit alone, but they’re morons so obviously they don’t.

Toxie’s main aim in his new ugly life is to gain revenge on all those responsible for his ill-fated dive into a drum of toxic waste. Unbeknown to him though he has another enemy and wouldn’t you know it he’s political. The worst ones are always in politics aren’t they? The mayor of Tromaville is corrupt, well most politicians are but he takes it to extremes, and being corrupt he’s quite worried about the possibility of a monstrous freak of a hero bringing him down. You just know that such a conniving shit of a man is going to do all in his power to bring Toxie down, manhunts, guns, the army, that sort of thing. Will Toxie survive the mayor’s attentions? Well it would be a fucking pointless hero movie if he didn’t.

Being a mutated freak isn’t all bad it seems, whereas Melvin couldn’t pull a girl to save his life, Toxie has a bit more luck. True the woman of his dreams may be blind and not exactly the sharpest tool in the box, but love blooms in the strangest of ways. They may not be Romeo and Juliet, but they do make an oddly cute couple. You may need to be slightly drunk like I was to see them as cute I suppose.

I guess you can get the gist of the movie from all that. Nerd gets bullied, gets transformed into freak, rips villains to pieces, saves cute kids from maniac drivers, gets the girl and saves the day. Simple premise really.

If you’ve never seen this movie, then trust me you’re missing out on a rare and cheesy treat.

*Don’t try diving into toxic waste, it actually doesn’t work!

Things of great evil.

I'm sat here, maybe enjoying a vodka or 10, and am about to have a ramble about some of the great, unacknowledged evils in the world.

Not the evils that affect the world, but the more personal, everyday evils. Those that leave you cursing fate and family members alike. First world problems in other words!

This is the start of the rambling list of evilness:

I - Running out of brew making equipment

Don't you just fucking hate it when you go into the kitchen, switch on the kettle, wash your cup and then discover that you have no coffee/sugar/tea/milk? What bastard trick of fate allows this to happen?? Blame has to be placed somewhere, and since Hitler, Saddam and Stalin are all dead the obvious candidate for blame is whoever went to the shop last. If that person was you then blame everyone else for not reminding you!

Evilness rating 9/10

II - Lighter runs out and there's no spare in the house

This obviously only applies to smokers, so can be ignored by the healthy among you! I tell you though, it's friggin' annoying, you just want to enjoy a nice, unhealthy cig and your damn lighter won't work! Whether it's the the flint that has died or the gas has run out, plainly something somewhere wants you to suffer. It's not too bad if you have a gas cooker as the gas rings can be used until you can get to the shop. Beware of burned off eyebrows though.

Evilness rating 7/10

III - Being disturbed on the toilet

You've just sat down to do the crossword, read a book or write your will, when some inconsiderate bastard asks when you'll be done and can you hurry up. For fuck sakes you've probably worked and suffered all day, and you're just looking forward to that peaceful bathroom trip. But when you finally get yourself sat down everybody decides that they now need the toilet, despite having hours to visit before you even got home!! It's at this moment you wish for a shotgun. True you can always go back after every one has been, but it's the principle of the thing dammit!

Evilness rating 6/10

IV - Running out of alcohol

Imagine the scene; you've just finished a long, stressful weeks work, all you want to do is sit down with a few bottles and get steaming, blind drunk. You pour yourself a few drinks, get nicely merry and that's when you discover you've no booze left. Which utter, fucking heartless bastard drunk that bottle of vodka you had?? Who could do such a thing (it was probably you but you forgot all about it). You're forced to go to the shop when you're half-cut and that is something that no one should have to do, dealing with shop assistants when tipsy is pure evil (I'm a shop assistant I know these things).

Evilness rating 9/10

V - Fitted bed sheets

Although like any normal person I love the feel of getting into a freshly made bed, it feels good alright, don't judge me! I absolutely loathe with a passion the time when it comes to actually strip a bed down and remake it. Not for the reasons that others do, the duvet and shit, but for the fitted sheet. Is it only me, or would anyone else prefer to suffer some painful form of torture in order to escape the ordeal of the fucking fitted sheet? If I strip the bed during the day I'll put off the remaking of it as long as possible, often right to the very last hour of the day, just because I know what's coming. You pull the bed out as far as possible, get the corners of the sheet into place (after 5 minutes searching for the fucking things), so far so good. Here's were things start to go seriously wrong, each edge is elasticated so you can never tell which is top, bottom or the sides, you stretch the sheet down the bed and one corner comes loose, you swear. Refit the corner, stretch again and the other corner comes loose, your swearing multiplies. You restart the process, have some luck with no corners pulling loose and discover that you've got it on the wrong way, it ain't gonna stretch to the bottom of the bed, you invent swear words that never existed until that moment. By this time you're hot, sweaty and perfectly willing to spend the rest of your life sleeping on a bare mattress! You can't even make a fucking simple bed, just what does that bode for any dreamed of future success? Finally, finally you get the damned thing on, step back in pure relief and notice that there's creases and lumps everywhere. Scream!

You know, when I win the lottery, I'm gonna hire someone and pay them fucking good money just to make the bed every couple of weeks!

Evilness rating 10/10

That's my tiny list done, maybe you all have different things you consider evil, but I'm writing this for me, so kiss my arse if you don't agree! Or laugh and mock me, it's all good!



Here's my little disclaimer; this is a (poor) humourous list, if you take it all seriously then you may need to remove the stick up your arse :)