How to make the best of your life as a werewolf.

THE DEFINITIVE LIST!

Life's tough at times isn't it? You struggle day in and day out to earn money, to buy food, keep a roof over your head, provide for the kids (if you have them), pay the bills and afford all those little luxuries you damn well deserve...

...Unless you're a soap dodging, state sponging, layabout chav with no other ambition in life than to smoke week, doss on a games console and one day appear on Jeremy Kyle, in which case you deserve fuck all in the luxury department!

Uhm pardon the veering off into scrote bashing mode there!

So were was I? Oh yeah, life is hard! It doesn't help matters that the slimy bastards in government are always on the lookout for new ways to knock you down, then kick you viciously in the teeth when you're down there. Sadistic Eton educated cretins!

But as bad as us poor working folk have it, there's another group, a real minority group, who have it so much worse. Not only do they have the shit paying jobs, the bills, the endless slog of days with virtually nothing to look forward to and the government siphoning every available penny off them, not only do they have all that but also, whenever there is a full moon they turn into a slavering, murderous, hairy and hungry beast.

Before you say it, no I'm not talking about a woman on her time of the month here!

I am of course talking about the werewolf.

What must be it be like to be a werewolf? It's like life hates you so much it's given you an extra bitchslap on top of the brutal kicking it's already given you! I mean it's not bad enough that at the sight of a full moon all the money you just paid for a full body wax is rendered a waste of time, you also have to contend with being seen as a freak, having an enormous wardrobe bill, bits of raw chav stuck between your teeth, hard to remove bloodstains, possible memory loss and strange people wanting to shoot you full of silver!

Not good is it?

So in the spirit of good faith (and the protection of my own skin), I have drawn up a small list to ensure all werewolves can lead moderately happy lives.

Point number one. ~ Avoid silver. Pretty self explanatory right? Everyone knows that silver bullets are a werewolf's Kryptonite! But you'd be shocked at just how many of you homicidal mani ... erm ... misunderstood, reluctant killers have been caught out by a simple silver chain or ring. Just because it isn't fired out of a gun, doesn't mean it can't harm you! Silver is bad, 'mkay?

Point number two. ~ Be aware of the moon. Again this should be self explanatory. Full moon means lots of body hair, sharp teeth and a possible tail! But yet again you'd be surprised at how many werewolves have failed to pay attention to the lunar cycle, gone to the pub with friends for a few cheeky drinks and then painted the town red. Literally! Pay attention!

Point number three. ~ Invest in larger clothes. One of the major problems of changing in to your werewolf form is the damage it does to your expensive designer clothing. Think about it, clothes rarely stretch, they mostly either stay the same or shrink enough to fit a new born. You need to invest in xxxxxxl clothing, just for changing times of course! Shop Jacamo and you'll be good.

Point number four. ~ Avoid vampire's. Now you'd think that all you supernatural beings would be quite friendly to each other, what with being minority sub-groups and all. In fact nothing could be further from the truth. I'm unsure about the rest of the supernatural world, but vampires have no respect for you at all. To them you're nothing but a strange type of dog, they'll throw doggy treats at you and laugh as they do so! Arrogant bastards! Avoid them like the plague.

Point number five. ~ Select the right food source. Sure you may get more vitamins and what not from munching on rich bankers and businessmen, but you're also more likely to get hunted down and suffer a fatal case of death if you prey exclusively on them. You want to be sticking to a rigid diet of the unwanted and never-will-be-missed. Set your menu to chav, politician or traffic warden and you're much more likely to be left alone to snack in peace, with no risk of any nasty silver coming your way. Watch what you eat!

Hopefully my useful (useless) list above can help all you furry freaks to live full, productive and above all slightly happy lives. If it hasn't worked, then at least I tried to do something good for you! You could at least be grateful for that! No need to hunt me down and make me supper.....

I'll say goodbye now.....

The rather small vampire happiness guide

Today I turn my attention to one of the most misunderstood minority groups currently living among us today (can I say living among us as they are not technically alive?) As the title of today's blog suggests I am looking at the vampire.

We all know their history as the most feared of all the supernatural beings, how they are vicious, evil killers with no sense of morality whatsoever and how they'd even steal a Barbie doll from a little girl just because they can. But for all they are undead monsters with a penchant for blood and a flair for the dramatic, vampire's are actually rather sweet, cuddly and lonely and just need a bit of loving to be able to function in modern society.

Due to my time watching TV and reading the odd book, I feel I can now offer my knowledgeable advice.

So to all you blood-suckers out there and freaks ... erm ... people with different views and aspirations, this is my definitive guide to leading full, productive and happy unlives.

Number one

Make friends outside of your community. Other supernatural creatures can be just as lonely as you and are not averse to making friends with someone of a differing view point. As the popular documentary series Being Human has shown us, it is perfectly acceptable for a vampire and a werewolf to be friends. The old traditions are dying and you are now in a more modern, enlightened world. Embrace other cultures and you will be amazed at what similarities you share with other groups. Remember, friendliness increases happiness.

Number two

Watch what you eat. As a vampire it's so easy to view the world as one big version of McDonalds, were all the food is free. But dining on particular people can lead to all sorts of avoidable consequences, such as antagonizing the crazy folk who view the pounding of sharpened wooden stakes through a heart as a great career choice. I suggest dining exclusively on chavs, no one would miss them and you'd be doing the world a huge favour. So be happy, feed on chavs, they are available on the menu's of most countries, usually under a variety of names.

Number three

Dress to impress. All the world knows of the suave and sophisticated vampires of years gone by, always sharply dressed, usually having a bow-tie and cape to give out a certain image. Those vampires knew the value of a good set of clothes and it's no surprise to learn they were mostly happy (even if they were a bit to stuck in their ways to follow points 1 and 2). Dressing smart and looking after your appearance improves confidence and makes others see you in a more favourable light. Try and avoid the temptation to glitter if you can. While this current trend could enable you to gather a collection of groupies, there is the very real possibility that you won't be taken seriously ever again. You may even become the subject of ridicule and scorn from those who are meant to fear you and that my sharp-toothed friends is most definitely not conductive to happiness.

Number four

Have new and fun experiences. Just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you have to be constantly on the lookout for the next neck to bite. Have some fun with your undead existence, walk through a maze of mirrors without being freaked out or confused, take up moonbathing as a way to relax from the stresses of the night (it may not be as popular as sunbathing, but it's also far less messier, no greasy suncream to smear all over yourself), you could even surf the net for vampire porn, I'm pretty sure it's out there, if not then you can always make your own. Travel the world, barring unfortunate accidents (lunatics with wooden stakes, unfortunate garlic accidents), then you have virtually all eternity to see everything you've always wanted to. These are just a tiny few of the things you can do to improve your unlife and be a happy vampire.

Number five

Live in the community. These days living in a lonely castle in some out the way mountainous location is very clique. Apart from the superstitious local people who will take any opportunity to form a torch wielding lynch mob, remote castles are just not very practical for the modern, forward thinking vampire. There's no modern amenities to them, no TV so you can relax and watch Jeremy Kyle, no internet to search for kinky vampire porn there's not even an electric shower so you can wash off the excess blood that you couldn't quite catch at the time. No, castles should definitely not be on the list of real estate you look at. A plush apartment in a thriving city is the way to go, you have it all there, the comfort and convenience of all modern gadgetry, a ready supply of unmissable chavs and lots of fashionable clothing stores. There might even be (if you look hard enough), focus, support and even dating groups for all minority supernatural beings, where you can meet like minded monsters and develop the kind of relationships you want. So to be happy and free live in the big city, you won't make a better choice.

Well thank you all for reading, I hope some of the advice I've given can be useful to you.