How to make the best of your life as a werewolf.

THE DEFINITIVE LIST!

Life's tough at times isn't it? You struggle day in and day out to earn money, to buy food, keep a roof over your head, provide for the kids (if you have them), pay the bills and afford all those little luxuries you damn well deserve...

...Unless you're a soap dodging, state sponging, layabout chav with no other ambition in life than to smoke week, doss on a games console and one day appear on Jeremy Kyle, in which case you deserve fuck all in the luxury department!

Uhm pardon the veering off into scrote bashing mode there!

So were was I? Oh yeah, life is hard! It doesn't help matters that the slimy bastards in government are always on the lookout for new ways to knock you down, then kick you viciously in the teeth when you're down there. Sadistic Eton educated cretins!

But as bad as us poor working folk have it, there's another group, a real minority group, who have it so much worse. Not only do they have the shit paying jobs, the bills, the endless slog of days with virtually nothing to look forward to and the government siphoning every available penny off them, not only do they have all that but also, whenever there is a full moon they turn into a slavering, murderous, hairy and hungry beast.

Before you say it, no I'm not talking about a woman on her time of the month here!

I am of course talking about the werewolf.

What must be it be like to be a werewolf? It's like life hates you so much it's given you an extra bitchslap on top of the brutal kicking it's already given you! I mean it's not bad enough that at the sight of a full moon all the money you just paid for a full body wax is rendered a waste of time, you also have to contend with being seen as a freak, having an enormous wardrobe bill, bits of raw chav stuck between your teeth, hard to remove bloodstains, possible memory loss and strange people wanting to shoot you full of silver!

Not good is it?

So in the spirit of good faith (and the protection of my own skin), I have drawn up a small list to ensure all werewolves can lead moderately happy lives.

Point number one. ~ Avoid silver. Pretty self explanatory right? Everyone knows that silver bullets are a werewolf's Kryptonite! But you'd be shocked at just how many of you homicidal mani ... erm ... misunderstood, reluctant killers have been caught out by a simple silver chain or ring. Just because it isn't fired out of a gun, doesn't mean it can't harm you! Silver is bad, 'mkay?

Point number two. ~ Be aware of the moon. Again this should be self explanatory. Full moon means lots of body hair, sharp teeth and a possible tail! But yet again you'd be surprised at how many werewolves have failed to pay attention to the lunar cycle, gone to the pub with friends for a few cheeky drinks and then painted the town red. Literally! Pay attention!

Point number three. ~ Invest in larger clothes. One of the major problems of changing in to your werewolf form is the damage it does to your expensive designer clothing. Think about it, clothes rarely stretch, they mostly either stay the same or shrink enough to fit a new born. You need to invest in xxxxxxl clothing, just for changing times of course! Shop Jacamo and you'll be good.

Point number four. ~ Avoid vampire's. Now you'd think that all you supernatural beings would be quite friendly to each other, what with being minority sub-groups and all. In fact nothing could be further from the truth. I'm unsure about the rest of the supernatural world, but vampires have no respect for you at all. To them you're nothing but a strange type of dog, they'll throw doggy treats at you and laugh as they do so! Arrogant bastards! Avoid them like the plague.

Point number five. ~ Select the right food source. Sure you may get more vitamins and what not from munching on rich bankers and businessmen, but you're also more likely to get hunted down and suffer a fatal case of death if you prey exclusively on them. You want to be sticking to a rigid diet of the unwanted and never-will-be-missed. Set your menu to chav, politician or traffic warden and you're much more likely to be left alone to snack in peace, with no risk of any nasty silver coming your way. Watch what you eat!

Hopefully my useful (useless) list above can help all you furry freaks to live full, productive and above all slightly happy lives. If it hasn't worked, then at least I tried to do something good for you! You could at least be grateful for that! No need to hunt me down and make me supper.....

I'll say goodbye now.....

The Toxic Avenger ~ Why nuclear waste is bad for you

Not so long back, well it was a few months ago from time of writing but that’s not long is it? Anyhow, not so long ago and at the behest of my friend I sat down and watched my first ever Troma movie.

Oh My Fucking God!

You better be prepared for cursing because I think there may be a bit of it in this post.

I’ve seen lots of different types of movies, so I thought I’d be prepared for this one, holy shit how wrong I was. My eyes and brain have only just recovered from the sheer brutal assault upon them. In fact it’s very possible that at some point I may need counselling to deal with the troma … sorry trauma of this experience.

If any Troma fans want to help me pay for sessions then I’m open to donations!

Would it surprise you after reading all the above to learn that I really enjoyed this movie? I know it surprised the shit out of me to realise that once the end credits started rolling I was sad there wasn’t more to watch. If I’d have seen it as a teenager I’m damn sure I would have loved it obsessively.

It’s got violence, bad language, gore, tits and really bad sex what’s not to like? Well aside from the really wooden acting, but if you watch a lot of porn you should be used to that. There are a couple of disturbing scenes, but they don’t detract a lot from the enjoyment.

What’s it all about though?

Well I’m not going to do a thorough review as that would just be spoiling it and I certainly don’t want to do that. But a very basic description would be, “nerd gets revenge and gets the girl”. Sounds very clique doesn’t it? But it’s what surrounds that basic premise that lifts this movie into the fucking surreal.

We’re introduced to the town of Tromaville (I’m taking a wild guess here, but I’m thinking this town may be made up), a typically American town filled with thugs, big breasted women, corrupt officials and a slight toxic problem. Well it was the mid-eighties and everyone seemed to want to do a Chernobyl before it actually happened. Lovely little Tromaville (location unknown) is also home to Melvin Junko, the man with the mop, the man with teeth so huge dentists the world over would likely have wet dreams about them.

Melvin is our hero, well sort of, he’s gotta suffer horribly a bit first before really earning the hero tag. And suffer he does, from looking like an advert for pure nerdiness to the endless abuse he gets from Bozo and his hit and run loving pals. But that’s all mild compared to the pain and suffering caused by taking an involuntary bath in a barrel of toxic waste. Yes you did indeed read that right, barrel of toxic waste and man swimming in it. Thanks to a malicious prank and a couple of idiots who’d prefer to get stoned rather than doing their job properly, this is Melvin’s fate. Well at least it’s a memorable way to go out, right? Even if it’s excruciatingly painful it’s still memorable. So alas poor Melvin, we didn’t know you very well.

Don’t grieve too much though, because if you’re a geek with teeth the size of a small fucking country then toxic waste isn’t bad for you, in fact it’s the best thing to ever come into your life. Because for geeks toxic waste is the route to ultimate superhero status.

See these posts can be quite educational.*

So in defiance of all natural laws, Melvin Junko, mild mannered goofy geek, becomes The Toxic Avenger!!!

I totally never saw that one coming (that was sarcasm by the way).

Now the fun can begin.

On to the scene now steps The Toxic Avenger (henceforth known by the popular name of Toxie), a hideously ugly, gruesomely deformed monster who is driven to destroy evil. Destroy is definitely the right word for the way Toxie treats his victims. He rips off arms and beats villains with the soggy end, dry cleans little old lady’s (they are obviously evil), deep fry’s robbers and crushes heads in gym machines. As a calling card he jams a mop into the skull of his every victim. You’d think that people could figure out who this weird superhero was off just the mop bit alone, but they’re morons so obviously they don’t.

Toxie’s main aim in his new ugly life is to gain revenge on all those responsible for his ill-fated dive into a drum of toxic waste. Unbeknown to him though he has another enemy and wouldn’t you know it he’s political. The worst ones are always in politics aren’t they? The mayor of Tromaville is corrupt, well most politicians are but he takes it to extremes, and being corrupt he’s quite worried about the possibility of a monstrous freak of a hero bringing him down. You just know that such a conniving shit of a man is going to do all in his power to bring Toxie down, manhunts, guns, the army, that sort of thing. Will Toxie survive the mayor’s attentions? Well it would be a fucking pointless hero movie if he didn’t.

Being a mutated freak isn’t all bad it seems, whereas Melvin couldn’t pull a girl to save his life, Toxie has a bit more luck. True the woman of his dreams may be blind and not exactly the sharpest tool in the box, but love blooms in the strangest of ways. They may not be Romeo and Juliet, but they do make an oddly cute couple. You may need to be slightly drunk like I was to see them as cute I suppose.

I guess you can get the gist of the movie from all that. Nerd gets bullied, gets transformed into freak, rips villains to pieces, saves cute kids from maniac drivers, gets the girl and saves the day. Simple premise really.

If you’ve never seen this movie, then trust me you’re missing out on a rare and cheesy treat.

*Don’t try diving into toxic waste, it actually doesn’t work!

Let me be your fantasy!

Now I know we all love fantasy beasties (well I do and as I'm writing this blog my opinion is the only one that matters), dragons and gryphons and minotaurs, they're all fucking cool right? They stomp, chomp and burn the shit out of everything they see, what more can you ask? Fantasy beasties are badass!

But I'm not going to write about dragons, gryphons, minotaurs or even honest politicians (the most fantastical of all fantasy beasts), instead I'm concentrating on the equine beasts; the unicorn, the Pegasus and the centaur. With the exception of the unicorn they're all criminally overlooked, well unless Tesco and Findus are about, then they're very much looked at!

Don't trust big brands by the way, they're always looking to make mincemeat of all their opposition!

Ahem! Anyhow this post is just me trying to answer a very simple question.

Which is better:

The Unicorn; cute, glittery, farts rainbows and is probably a psychotic killing machine?

The Pegasus; handsome, dangerous, has wings and is far cheaper than British Airways?

The Centaur; a fucking freak?

I have done extensive research on this question, trust me I didn't even need to utilise LSD.....

Erm, right, so let's start.

The Unicorn.

The cute unicorn, beloved of females of all ages, but why? What is it about this bastard offspring of a horse and narwhal that makes it a favourite? I mean c'mon, the fucking thing has a dildo on its head, it should make its home in an Ann Summers shop! How the fuck can you take such a thing seriously?

In order to understand better I went to a knowledgeable friend for answers. Now Charley might like to drink a bottle of wine in one gulp, but she knows what she's on about! That could be the result of too many drunken hallucinations though, hmm.....

What I got was this; unicorns are magically magical, able to cure bad moods with a single touch, fart rainbows and shit cupcakes and they're lovers not fighters. I dunno about you but that last point doesn't ring true, I mean why have a big, sharp horn on the head if they're not gonna fucking stab things to death? It seems a total waste to have a natural weapon and not use it for gory purposes! And what's so special about farting rainbows? Sure they look nice, but do they actually do anything? Well apart from providing Bungle, George and Zippy a TV show to prance around on! Oh I remember, a farted rainbow can lure the unwary into walking into large holes in the ground, resulting in bruises and blushes. Yeah that's impressive, not!! The cupcakes could be useful though hmm...

Personally I think that unicorns are sneaky, nasty little bastards! They act all cute and innocent and pure just to get themselves a good reputation, but I bet as soon as your back is turned they'll shove that horn right up your arse and screw you properly! I guess there are some people in this world who might find that appealing, I however am not one of those!

The Pegasus.

Here we have the noble Pegasus, born from a god and a gorgon and has a better disposition than both. And it can fly!!

So what's so good about it? Other than the fact that it can fly? Well unlike unicorns there's only one Pegasus, he's unique. Take that you unoriginal, horned future burgers!

Did I mention Pegasus can fly? And he's cheaper than British Airways and when you're on him you don't have some fucking annoying passenger digging their elbows into every part of you they can!!

I don't know if you've gathered from my subtle hints above, but I like Pegasus, he's cool. He interacts with those psychopathic Greek gods and us puny little mortals and for patiently dealing with us all and not kicking the shit out of us what does he get for a reward? A field full of willing mares? Shit loads of gold and gems? A penthouse suite in the poshest hotel in every city in the world? Nope, he gets some friggin' stars named after him! Ain't that a pure let down?

It's a real shame that Pegasus will never win a popularity contest, certainly not while those damn unicorns are about, manipulating the general public to love them! But I'm a fan and a proud one!

The Centaur.

Ah the centaur, part horse, part man and all genetic freak.

Seriously, apart from looking odd and being supposedly mystical, do these guys even have a point? They don't have a good PR image like unicorns, they can't fly like Pegasus, you couldn't even race one in the Grand National as you'd likely be disqualified for trying to cheat! Even Tesco's might think long and hard before making cheap burgers out of them! They're like chocolate fireguards, completely useless.

Hmm, maybe I was a tad harsh calling them completely useless, they can hold a weapon so you could use them as cannon fodder if you ever fancied taking over the world and needed expendable soldiers. And I suppose you could give them menial jobs, if you can ever distract them from looking at the sky. Seems that's all the lazy bastards want to do all day! So they're only slightly useless.

Hope I've not upset any centaur groupies there ... (weirdo's)

I don't actually dislike centaurs, just feel a bit of pity for the freaky bastards!

So which is best? Fucked if I know, I like the Pegasus, I'm biased, I'm certainly not going to give a fair write up of the others! Study all three and make your own minds up ya lazy gets!