Childhood Games ~ British Bulldogs

I said this could become a series and it's looking like I may be correct.

After the fun I had dredging up my memories of hares and hounds, I've decided to take a good long look at the game of British bulldogs.

Now I don't know what games they play in other parts of the world, and for all I know kids may bash each other round the heads with metal bars and call that fun (thinking on it, don't chavs already do that and call it fun?). But in my experience British bulldogs is the most brutal game in the whole long history of childhood games. If you look at it a certain way it could possibly be as brutal as certain adult sports, like boxing, MMA, real wrestling and BDSM.

As an aside, I have no idea how the name British bulldogs originated and I'm just a bit to lazy to do some proper research on it.

Again this game requires a group of kids to play, the more the bloodier as it were. I suppose you could play it with imaginary friends, but you'd look like a crazed lunatic and might end up getting committed. Again there are two teams, though for this game they are a little bit more unequal, I'll attempt to explain that shortly.

There are different variations of bulldogs, so depending on where you live there'll be some slight differences in play. But the basic game is the same everywhere, run really bloody fast across an open area and try not to get flattened.

So to play the game. First you need a rather large, open playing area, preferably a large field, but anywhere will do as long as it's an empty space. Playing on concrete increases the chances of picking up a serious injury and thus having time off school, a popular choice. Next the teams are chosen, basically it's one kid versus all the rest who want to play. It takes a complex scientific formula to select the lone brat who will be the bulldog, requiring a knowledge of physics and orbital decay (the kid who suggested the game will spin around for a bit with his arm outstretched, when he stops whoever he is pointing at is the unlucky one). The two "teams" then set up in their own areas.

The playing area is divided into three parts - the main action area which is the largest part and where all the brutality occurs, and two safe or home areas at either end of the field. The action area is the bulldogs hunting ground and all the conquests will take place there. The opposing players start in one of the home ends and when it's time they attempt to flee past the bulldog to get to the other end - this is a round.

How us kids imagined a typical round to start!

To start the bulldog stands about midway between the two home ends, and after throwing a few choice insults, selects and opponent to try and get past him.

The bulldog taunting his prey!

For the challenged it's simple - get from one end to the other without being caught. For the bulldog it's a wee bit trickier; he has to either grab hold of his prey for long enough to say the phrase, "British bulldogs 1, 2, 3", or he has to smash the other kid to the ground then say the phrase. The second option usually tends to be the preferred one. If the bulldog catches his prey then they too become a bulldog, and finally the poor child has the chance of some company. Once the challenged child has either been caught or made it across the field safely, all the other kids can then rush out in a yelling, disorganised mob. This is the easiest time of the game to capture opponents; the bulldogs numbers will undoubtedly double at this point of the game.

The second round follows the first in style, except this time the kid who's called out has a larger number of bulldogs to avoid, making it that much harder to survive the round. And trust me, three of four kids piling on top of you isn't conductive to avoiding bruised knees and bloody noses!

The game carries on this way until the last kid standing is declared the winner. Surprisingly it's not often the fastest runner who wins, as the ever increasing hordes of children gang up en masse to bring the swift ones down. Strange how they seem to work in a pack...

As I stated in the hares and hounds post, kids have shitloads of energy and because of this another game is soon begun. The first caught from the last game starts as the bulldog.

A little fact to end this post with. Due to the extreme physical nature of British bulldogs, most schools across England have actually banned the game from being played during break times. Shall we all agree now that teachers are heartless bastards?

Zombie Apocalypse: the survival guide

With a zombie invasion imminent ... hey I'm sure it'll happen at some point, Nostradamus predicted it, unless I've imagined that part!

But anyways, when the walking dead rise up and shamble and lurch their way to world domination, it's gonna be a case of survival of the fittest for us mere humans. Darwinism at its most extreme. So after painstaking and devoted research (I trawled a couple of websites), I've come up with a few of my own pointers for getting through this hell alive.

I'm sure if you follow all the following points you'll be safe and well (or you'll become a combination of breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you won't be able to complain at me then, will you?)

So here goes:

THE SEVEN POINT SURVIVAL GUIDE

(1) You are not Bruce Campbell! Even though Bruce Campbell will likely become our leader and be almost a god to us in the testing times ahead, emulating him will be dangerous and could result in loss of limbs or life. Staying in his shadow however is a reasoned and intelligent action.

(2) Running shoes! I can't stress enough just how important a good pair of running shoes can be. How often have you watched a George Romero movie and wondered just how inappropriate the footwear on view is?  I mean would you really want to flee a horde of drooling killers in a pair of high heel slingbacks, or the sensible shoes you wear for work? Thought not! Forget fashion, invest in your survival!

(3) Exercise! Getting fit now will help you in the long run. So lift those weights, swim those laps, pound that treadmill and get your stretches done, because if you're the slowest or weakest in your group ... well then you're the days sacrifice.

(4) Weapons! Every survivor needs to be armed, it'll be bloody difficult to get around if you're not. By all means carry a few guns around if you must, but they should be a last resort, think about it these are zombies, they're already dead, bullets aren't going to do anything more than annoy them. What you need is something you can swing and has a fair bit of reach, you need to stay clear of grasping arms. I suggest a chainsaw on a long piece of rope, using this method you can effectively hold off a horde of zombies until Bruce Campbell can pull off a heroic rescue mission. A little tip here, when using the chainsaw on a rope always aim for the legs. If you chop its legs off it can't come pursuing you can it?

(5) Withstanding pain! Lets face it, you're probably not going to survive all this without suffering at least one painful injury. Preparation is the key here, while you still have the luxury of time get some pain exercises in. Go and lie on a bed of nails, spend a few hours with a teething puppy and fall off a few walls, anything to build up that pain threshold. Have someone kick you repeatedly between the legs (this does not apply to women and eunuchs). Oh and get a few paper-cuts, there's no injury quite as bad as a fresh paper-cut! All of those sound bad, but you'll be glad you've subjected yourself to them when you're getting chomped on by a pair of muddy gnashers!

(6) Shelter! Possibly one of the most important things about surviving the zombie plague is having a safe, defensible shelter. You need somewhere to sleep at night, store all your belongings and survival gear, recover from wounds suffered and where you can make all your necessary plans. A good, sturdy house can be a life saver. Be careful when selecting your future home though, log cabins in the woods, terraced houses with connecting attics and houses built on old graveyards should not be considered as viable options (the last one is particularly bad, you don't want to contend with old Indian curses and spirits as well as blood-thirsty zombies). A good stone built semi-detached is probably the best, not one of the newer pre-fabricated houses though. Make sure all the downstairs windows and doors are properly boarded up, with real, solid wood, not the cheap MDF stuff that's readily available in shops. Always have a point of escape, if you're escape route is through an upstairs window make sure you have something soft to cushion your landing, if you break your ankles when jumping then you're not doing much escaping. And finally have a generator, you'll need one to power the fridge and keep your beer cold on those long lonely nights with no TV.

(7) Always have a plan! You can't just go wandering aimlessly round a zombie infested world, you need to know what you're doing each and every day. Whether that's hunting for food, checking for survivor's, taking the war back to the undead or even just trying to be normal in an abnormal world, all those will require meticulous planning to maximize safety and minimize risk. When things go wrong always have a back-up plan, be creative in what you can use for a weapon, don't give in to sentiment, use your slower and weaker friends as effective zombie bait. Keeping a good supply of notebooks in your home is a must, if you leave the house in the morning with a well thought out, well written out plan, then you're more likely to return safely at night.


So there we go, that concludes the seven points to surviving during a zombie apocalypse.



Disclaimer: The above points are a guideline only. The author accepts no responsibility whatsoever for you becoming the zombie equivalent of a bacon sandwich.