Now as you may or may not know my mind is constantly dwelling in some fantasy land or other (it's certainly preferable than thinking about Bacup on a daily basis) and populating that land with characters of my own creation. To any famous fantasy authors who may somehow come across this blog, no I'm not writing fanfiction in your world, so please don't hunt me down and kill me in some horribly brutal manner!!
Ahem!
Anyhow, back on to the silly, unbelievable topic at hand.
Now obviously in Middle Earth, Midkemia, Westeros and other such places they don't have job adverts in the classified sections of newspapers. In fact they don't even have newspapers! I've always found that to be a bit regressive to be honest...
So how do they find work then? Well I don't bloody know the answer to that! I do know that they all work though, they're not lazy, dole-dossing scum like the natives here!
Since most fantasy worlds are based upon the Medieval world then it stands to reason that they're not going to have very technical jobs, or technology based workplaces. So no theme parks, Lego sculptures or train pushing will be found here.
So you must be asking yourself, what do they do for employment? Well you're probably not asking that at all, but it does my ego good to think you might be!
So I've used my vast knowledge and come up with three careers that might be available to the common, generic fantasy character and two positions of importance that should be seized if opportunity presents.
Now remember people, this is just for fun, no getting bent out of shape over it!
So here we go:
Dragon slayer
Now as everyone knows, dragon's are a bit of plague to most fantasy lands, constantly stealing gold, kidnapping virgins and killing lots of people without much warning. They're a bit of a nuisance really. So what's needed is someone who can take care of these pests on peaceful life, preferably someone who likes to wear lots of metal and is relatively skilled in the art of sword hacking. What can I say? This is a job with an excellent benefits package; fame, fortune, people everywhere wanting to have sex with you. Interested? There's not much of a retirement package to go with the job, but really is that important?
Pros: You have job security for life.
Cons: You're more than likely going to die on the job.
Adventurer
If wandering strange lands, exploring old ruins, fighting all manner of nasty beasties and finding lots of useful treasures interests you, you may want to consider a profitable career as an adventurer. Now this is a self employed position so a knowledge of taxes and accountancy could come in handy. If you're a bit fussy about wearing the latest fashions and always looking like you've just come out of the salon, then don't apply. This is a job that requires you to travel far from civilisation, be almost constantly dirty and have almost no access to local gossip at all. If that last hasn't put you off, then sign up now and have an interesting life.
Pros: Lots of job satisfaction and no deadlines to meet.
Cons: You have no fixed abode and beds in inns are usually full of bed bugs.
Bard
If you wish for a career with less danger and opportunities for dying and more luxurious surroundings, then maybe the position of bard would suit you. Whether it be a travelling bard witnessing great events and singing for your supper at the finest inns in the world or a court bard, entertaining kings and queens and having your wicked way with all the court servants, a job as a bard is fun filled and rewarding. Obviously and ear for music and a talent with instruments is quite important, so if you consider One Direction as the pinnacle of music then please don't apply.
Pros: Easy life, free room and board.
Cons: You'll never really be taken seriously.
Dark Lord
Now this is one of the most important jobs in fantasyland. Every hero needs an adversary to struggle against, how's he going to make his name otherwise? Quite understandably the position of dark lord is one that doesn't become available very often, in fact job openings are once every few hundred years or so. So if interested you have to get your application in extremely quickly once the previous occupant of the role has been horribly killed. The job role is to take over the world and crush all hope underfoot whilst cancelling public holidays. References are definitely needed for this role as the minions under your control will expect someone with experience. Despite reports to the contrary, an evil laugh is not a job requirement.
Pros: Vast armies at your control, everyone is afraid you'll come for them.
Cons: There's always some bright spark plotting your ultimate demise.
The Chosen One
Like the above role of dark lord, the role of chosen one is a rare one to come available, when it does it usually suits those from working class backgrounds who have uncertain parentage. The job requires no experience whatsoever as free on the job training will be provided by a grumpy yet mysterious teacher. It's an extremely fulfilling role and carries with it the gratitude of all non-evil people in the world. Sold on it yet? There's also the promise of fame, fortune, marriage offers and the possibility of becoming a king, or even a god. Of course like every job, getting started is a bit difficult, what with evil and insidious people and nasty beasties trying to kill you, but with the right work mates those teething problems of the job shouldn't be too much of a problem. And hey, what's a little struggle if you get to save the world and have everyone bow down to you?
Pros: Everyone's going to know your name, forever!
Cons: The Dark Lord wants to kill you in a horrible manner and use your ruined corpse as a reminder to the common people he wants to conquer.
There we go. Here's hoping that you found the above list informative (don't laugh), or at least it kept you amused for the few minutes it took to read through it.
Goodbye for now.....
