Fantastical jobs.

Fresh from discovering some of the oddest and more dangerous jobs in the real world, I've turned to the worlds of fantasy to see what job opportunities might be lurking there.

Now as you may or may not know my mind is constantly dwelling in some fantasy land or other (it's certainly preferable than thinking about Bacup on a daily basis) and populating that land with characters of my own creation. To any famous fantasy authors who may somehow come across this blog, no I'm not writing fanfiction in your world, so please don't hunt me down and kill me in some horribly brutal manner!!

Ahem!

Anyhow, back on to the silly, unbelievable topic at hand.

Now obviously in Middle Earth, Midkemia, Westeros and other such places they don't have job adverts in the classified sections of newspapers. In fact they don't even have newspapers! I've always found that to be a bit regressive to be honest...

So how do they find work then? Well I don't bloody know the answer to that! I do know that they all work though, they're not lazy, dole-dossing scum like the natives here!

Since most fantasy worlds are based upon the Medieval world then it stands to reason that they're not going to have very technical jobs, or technology based workplaces. So no theme parks, Lego sculptures or train pushing will be found here.

So you must be asking yourself, what do they do for employment? Well you're probably not asking that at all, but it does my ego good to think you might be!

So I've used my vast knowledge and come up with three careers that might be available to the common, generic fantasy character and two positions of importance that should be seized if opportunity presents.

Now remember people, this is just for fun, no getting bent out of shape over it!

So here we go:

Dragon slayer

Now as everyone knows, dragon's are a bit of plague to most fantasy lands, constantly stealing gold, kidnapping virgins and killing lots of people without much warning. They're a bit of a nuisance really. So what's needed is someone who can take care of these pests on peaceful life, preferably someone who likes to wear lots of metal and is relatively skilled in the art of sword hacking. What can I say? This is a job with an excellent benefits package; fame, fortune, people everywhere wanting to have sex with you. Interested? There's not much of a retirement package to go with the job, but really is that important?

Pros: You have job security for life.

Cons: You're more than likely going to die on the job.

Adventurer

If wandering strange lands, exploring old ruins, fighting all manner of nasty beasties and finding lots of useful treasures interests you, you may want to consider a profitable career as an adventurer. Now this is a self employed position so a knowledge of taxes and accountancy could come in handy. If you're a bit fussy about wearing the latest fashions and always looking like you've just come out of the salon, then don't apply. This is a job that requires you to travel far from civilisation, be almost constantly dirty and have almost no access to local gossip at all. If that last hasn't put you off, then sign up now and have an interesting life.

Pros: Lots of job satisfaction and no deadlines to meet.

Cons: You have no fixed abode and beds in inns are usually full of bed bugs.

Bard

If you wish for a career with less danger and opportunities for dying and more luxurious surroundings, then maybe the position of bard would suit you. Whether it be a travelling bard witnessing great events and singing for your supper at the finest inns in the world or a court bard, entertaining kings and queens and having your wicked way with all the court servants, a job as a bard is fun filled and rewarding. Obviously and ear for music and a talent with instruments is quite important, so if you consider One Direction as the pinnacle of music then please don't apply.

Pros: Easy life, free room and board.

Cons: You'll never really be taken seriously.

Dark Lord

Now this is one of the most important jobs in fantasyland. Every hero needs an adversary to struggle against, how's he going to make his name otherwise? Quite understandably the position of dark lord is one that doesn't become available very often, in fact job openings are once every few hundred years or so. So if interested you have to get your application in extremely quickly once the previous occupant of the role has been horribly killed. The job role is to take over the world and crush all hope underfoot whilst cancelling public holidays. References are definitely needed for this role as the minions under your control will expect someone with experience. Despite reports to the contrary, an evil laugh is not a job requirement.

Pros: Vast armies at your control, everyone is afraid you'll come for them.

Cons: There's always some bright spark plotting your ultimate demise.

The Chosen One

Like the above role of dark lord, the role of chosen one is a rare one to come available, when it does it usually suits those from working class backgrounds who have uncertain parentage. The job requires no experience whatsoever as free on the job training will be provided by a grumpy yet mysterious teacher. It's an extremely fulfilling role and carries with it the gratitude of all non-evil people in the world. Sold on it yet? There's also the promise of fame, fortune, marriage offers and the possibility of becoming a king, or even a god. Of course like every job, getting started is a bit difficult, what with evil and insidious people and nasty beasties trying to kill you, but with the right work mates those teething problems of the job shouldn't be too much of a problem. And hey, what's a little struggle if you get to save the world and have everyone bow down to you?

Pros: Everyone's going to know your name, forever!

Cons: The Dark Lord wants to kill you in a horrible manner and use your ruined corpse as a reminder to the common people he wants to conquer.

There we go. Here's hoping that you found the above list informative (don't laugh), or at least it kept you amused for the few minutes it took to read through it.

Goodbye for now.....

The Toxic Avenger ~ Why nuclear waste is bad for you

Not so long back, well it was a few months ago from time of writing but that’s not long is it? Anyhow, not so long ago and at the behest of my friend I sat down and watched my first ever Troma movie.

Oh My Fucking God!

You better be prepared for cursing because I think there may be a bit of it in this post.

I’ve seen lots of different types of movies, so I thought I’d be prepared for this one, holy shit how wrong I was. My eyes and brain have only just recovered from the sheer brutal assault upon them. In fact it’s very possible that at some point I may need counselling to deal with the troma … sorry trauma of this experience.

If any Troma fans want to help me pay for sessions then I’m open to donations!

Would it surprise you after reading all the above to learn that I really enjoyed this movie? I know it surprised the shit out of me to realise that once the end credits started rolling I was sad there wasn’t more to watch. If I’d have seen it as a teenager I’m damn sure I would have loved it obsessively.

It’s got violence, bad language, gore, tits and really bad sex what’s not to like? Well aside from the really wooden acting, but if you watch a lot of porn you should be used to that. There are a couple of disturbing scenes, but they don’t detract a lot from the enjoyment.

What’s it all about though?

Well I’m not going to do a thorough review as that would just be spoiling it and I certainly don’t want to do that. But a very basic description would be, “nerd gets revenge and gets the girl”. Sounds very clique doesn’t it? But it’s what surrounds that basic premise that lifts this movie into the fucking surreal.

We’re introduced to the town of Tromaville (I’m taking a wild guess here, but I’m thinking this town may be made up), a typically American town filled with thugs, big breasted women, corrupt officials and a slight toxic problem. Well it was the mid-eighties and everyone seemed to want to do a Chernobyl before it actually happened. Lovely little Tromaville (location unknown) is also home to Melvin Junko, the man with the mop, the man with teeth so huge dentists the world over would likely have wet dreams about them.

Melvin is our hero, well sort of, he’s gotta suffer horribly a bit first before really earning the hero tag. And suffer he does, from looking like an advert for pure nerdiness to the endless abuse he gets from Bozo and his hit and run loving pals. But that’s all mild compared to the pain and suffering caused by taking an involuntary bath in a barrel of toxic waste. Yes you did indeed read that right, barrel of toxic waste and man swimming in it. Thanks to a malicious prank and a couple of idiots who’d prefer to get stoned rather than doing their job properly, this is Melvin’s fate. Well at least it’s a memorable way to go out, right? Even if it’s excruciatingly painful it’s still memorable. So alas poor Melvin, we didn’t know you very well.

Don’t grieve too much though, because if you’re a geek with teeth the size of a small fucking country then toxic waste isn’t bad for you, in fact it’s the best thing to ever come into your life. Because for geeks toxic waste is the route to ultimate superhero status.

See these posts can be quite educational.*

So in defiance of all natural laws, Melvin Junko, mild mannered goofy geek, becomes The Toxic Avenger!!!

I totally never saw that one coming (that was sarcasm by the way).

Now the fun can begin.

On to the scene now steps The Toxic Avenger (henceforth known by the popular name of Toxie), a hideously ugly, gruesomely deformed monster who is driven to destroy evil. Destroy is definitely the right word for the way Toxie treats his victims. He rips off arms and beats villains with the soggy end, dry cleans little old lady’s (they are obviously evil), deep fry’s robbers and crushes heads in gym machines. As a calling card he jams a mop into the skull of his every victim. You’d think that people could figure out who this weird superhero was off just the mop bit alone, but they’re morons so obviously they don’t.

Toxie’s main aim in his new ugly life is to gain revenge on all those responsible for his ill-fated dive into a drum of toxic waste. Unbeknown to him though he has another enemy and wouldn’t you know it he’s political. The worst ones are always in politics aren’t they? The mayor of Tromaville is corrupt, well most politicians are but he takes it to extremes, and being corrupt he’s quite worried about the possibility of a monstrous freak of a hero bringing him down. You just know that such a conniving shit of a man is going to do all in his power to bring Toxie down, manhunts, guns, the army, that sort of thing. Will Toxie survive the mayor’s attentions? Well it would be a fucking pointless hero movie if he didn’t.

Being a mutated freak isn’t all bad it seems, whereas Melvin couldn’t pull a girl to save his life, Toxie has a bit more luck. True the woman of his dreams may be blind and not exactly the sharpest tool in the box, but love blooms in the strangest of ways. They may not be Romeo and Juliet, but they do make an oddly cute couple. You may need to be slightly drunk like I was to see them as cute I suppose.

I guess you can get the gist of the movie from all that. Nerd gets bullied, gets transformed into freak, rips villains to pieces, saves cute kids from maniac drivers, gets the girl and saves the day. Simple premise really.

If you’ve never seen this movie, then trust me you’re missing out on a rare and cheesy treat.

*Don’t try diving into toxic waste, it actually doesn’t work!

Choose your own adventure ~ Be the hero of someone else's story.

How many of you have read a book and imagined yourself in the role as the main protagonist? I’m guessing everyone, well everyone with an imagination at least. Imagine my delight back in my early years of reading when I first discovered the joys of the “choose your own adventure” books, it was probably similar to how a hormonal teenager feels when first discovering free porn online. They were a revelation, a chance for you to really be a hero, without ever leaving the comfort of your own room.

There were quite a few series’ of choose your own adventure, but me being the fantasy geek naturally gravitated towards the fighting fantasy stories written by Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone (the founders of Games Workshop). I had a lot of fun with those books back in the day, and they are one of the reasons I took an interest in writing. So if I ever get published you’ll know who to vent your anger at.

The basic premise of choose your own adventure was simple. You start the book as you normally would and read a couple of pages. Then it would get interesting. A scene would end and you’d be presented with a list of choices. Usually it would go something like this:

The evil goblins have decapitated your best friend. Do you...

• Hunt the goblins down? ~ Turn to page 56.
• Try to stitch his head back on? ~ Turn to page 100.
• Shrug and go for a pint? ~ Turn to page 20.

Each choice you made had varying consequences, you could end the story rather quickly and boringly, come to a grisly end by being eaten by something nasty or save the day and become a true hero (in your mind of course). I have to admit, every time I met a grisly end I would skip back a few choices and try again, guess I didn’t like dying, even if it was on paper.

It’s a shame you don’t see these books around anymore, there is still definitely a niche in the market for them. I could quite easily imagine a Twilight choose your own adventure, where you had the opportunity to behead Edward Cullen (fake apologies to all Twilight fans here…).

Anyways there’s my little piece of nostalgia about a once big thing in my life. Look out for these books, then maybe you too can choose your own adventure and have some unforeseen fun.

Paperclips and duct tape, MacGyver rules all!

1985 was a landmark year for American TV, 1985 was the year MacGyver was first aired. Now you may be asking yourselves just why is that so important? Why should we give two shits about a show that’s been finished for over 20 years? There’s a quite simple answer to those questions; MacGyver is possibly the single greatest TV show of all time (in my own rather weird opinion of course), it’s certainly the pinnacle of all action shows.

What made it so special though? Well despite being an action show, MacGyver emphasised the use of brains over brawn (and the attractiveness of a good mullet hairstyle).

Angus MacGyver, making mullets look cool!

 Rather than Hulking out and just smashing everything and anything with his fists, Mac would take a moment to appraise his situation, take stock of his surroundings and then come up with some ingenious plan, usually involving a paper clip and a roll of duct tape (because with duct tape you can solve any problem imaginable, it is known). It appealed to the geek in me, and I guess it appealed to others as well as it ran for 7 years. In the world of American TV that’s a fucking lifetime! Strangely enough he was also an American action hero who disliked guns, considering that American’s are the biggest gun lovers on the face of the earth and most respectable families over there will have at least 4 guns per household (at least that’s how they’re perceived by the sane world), having an action hero who hates guns is a huge anomaly. Well done the producers for going down that route, you helped prove that us geeky kids could be cool!

So the basic premise of the show is that MacGyver is an agent working for a secret government think tank (a polite way of saying he’s a spy), and because he’s quite the resourceful sort he’s often tasked to carry out the dangerous jobs others aren’t insane enough to take, where he can outwit various thugs and morons. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as seeing a single brain celled life form (thug with a gun), being out-smarted by a man who considers a paperclip to be an acceptable weapon. Basically MacGyver will infiltrate foreign nations, rescue people from all the little Hitler’s of the world and make bombs out of chewing gum (I’d like to see the A-Team do that last one). Usually he’s only ever armed with duct tape and a Swiss Army Knife. To everyone who’s ever been bullied by a dim-witted meathead it’s like a wet dream.

MacGyverisms (or how you too can look like a genius)

Now pay attention people because the following list could be the most important thing you ever read (don’t worry it’s not an extremely long list, so those of you with ADHD may possibly make it to the end). Someday you may be called upon by your country in a time of need, and knowing the following MacGyverisms (and others posted all over the internet) could help save your country, and your life. If nothing else people will look at you like you’re one awesome bastard when you regale them with your knowledge (more likely they’ll look at you like you’re a fucking goon, but hey you can pretend).*

Remember always to carry a Swiss Army Knife and a handy roll of duct tape.

1. If you have to disarm a missile, use a paperclip to short out the timer and the missile will not fire.
2. Whenever someone tells you that chocolate is not good for you, you can instantly prove them wrong by plugging up any nearby acid leaks. **
3. Being stuck without a ready supply of dynamite can be a pain, but if you're smart and resourceful then salt, sugar and weedkiller is an acceptable substitute.
4. If you're ever in a position were you have to flee your enemies in a hot air balloon and someone shoots the balloon, then duct tape your map over the bullet hole and seal the leak (make sure you've remembered a bloody map).
5. If you need to make a quick and easy bomb, then take a bit of fertiliser (nitrate), a bit of plant bark (cellulose), add a dash of acid and you have nitromannite, apparently it's rather sensitive and unstable.
6. Pine cones covered in pine pitch can make great natural grenades, pine sap has some explosive qualities.
7. With just two candlestick holders, a floor mat and an electrical power cord you can make a simple defibrillator. You don't want your friends dying while trying to escape bad guys do you?
8. Remember a paperclip is a handy thing to have, besides disarming missiles they can also be used when you need to pick a lock or hot wire a car.

See I told you all it would be a short list, so everyone with a short attention span should thank me now, if you haven’t already forgotten who I am.

*Don’t actually try any of these, there’s a good chance they won’t really work and the side-effects of attempting them could result in a serious case of death, and you don’t want that it’ll fuck up your whole life.

**This was actually proved to work by the mythbusters, so there you go, love your chocolate. 

So a tiny recap:

1. If you like geeky, innovative heroes, watch this show.
2. If you like mullets, watch this show.
3. If you like plenty of guns and cheesy one liners, watch the A-Team instead.

Thank you, that is all.

I think I'm getting the hang of this...

I am a blogging expert!


*is currently sat in front of the laptop imagining the derogatory laughter*

Anyways I now have things I wish to write about (not quite at this moment as my bed is being all alluring and inviting), but soon, when I don't resemble a geeky zombie!

So g'night blogland, I shall return upon the morrow.