Not so long back, well it was a few months ago from
time of writing but that’s not long is it? Anyhow, not so long ago and at the
behest of my friend I sat down and watched my first ever Troma movie.
Oh My Fucking God!
You better be prepared for cursing because I think
there may be a bit of it in this post.
I’ve seen lots of different types of movies, so I
thought I’d be prepared for this one, holy shit how wrong I was. My eyes and
brain have only just recovered from the sheer brutal assault upon them. In fact
it’s very possible that at some point I may need counselling to deal with the
troma … sorry trauma of this experience.
If any Troma fans want to help me pay for sessions
then I’m open to donations!
Would it surprise you after reading all the above to
learn that I really enjoyed this movie? I know it surprised the shit out of me
to realise that once the end credits started rolling I was sad there wasn’t
more to watch. If I’d have seen it as a teenager I’m damn sure I would have
loved it obsessively.
It’s got violence, bad language, gore, tits and
really bad sex what’s not to like? Well aside from the really wooden acting,
but if you watch a lot of porn you should be used to that. There are a couple
of disturbing scenes, but they don’t detract a lot from the enjoyment.
What’s it all about though?
Well I’m not going to do a thorough review as that
would just be spoiling it and I certainly don’t want to do that. But a very
basic description would be, “nerd gets revenge and gets the girl”. Sounds very
clique doesn’t it? But it’s what surrounds that basic premise that lifts this
movie into the fucking surreal.
We’re introduced to the town of Tromaville (I’m
taking a wild guess here, but I’m thinking this town may be made up), a typically American town filled with thugs, big
breasted women, corrupt officials and a slight toxic problem. Well it was the
mid-eighties and everyone seemed to want to do a Chernobyl before it actually
happened. Lovely little Tromaville (location unknown) is also home to Melvin
Junko, the man with the mop, the man with teeth so huge dentists the world over
would likely have wet dreams about them.
Melvin is our hero, well sort of, he’s gotta suffer
horribly a bit first before really earning the hero tag. And suffer he does,
from looking like an advert for pure nerdiness to the endless abuse he gets
from Bozo and his hit and run loving pals. But that’s all mild compared to the
pain and suffering caused by taking an involuntary bath in a barrel of toxic
waste. Yes you did indeed read that right, barrel of toxic waste and man
swimming in it. Thanks to a malicious prank and a couple of idiots who’d prefer
to get stoned rather than doing their job properly, this is Melvin’s fate. Well
at least it’s a memorable way to go out, right? Even if it’s excruciatingly
painful it’s still memorable. So alas poor Melvin, we didn’t know you very
well.
Don’t grieve too much though, because if you’re a
geek with teeth the size of a small fucking country then toxic waste isn’t bad
for you, in fact it’s the best thing to ever come into your life. Because for
geeks toxic waste is the route to ultimate superhero status.
See these posts can be quite educational.*
So in defiance of all natural laws, Melvin Junko,
mild mannered goofy geek, becomes The Toxic Avenger!!!
I totally never saw that one coming (that was
sarcasm by the way).
Now the fun can begin.
On to the scene now steps The Toxic Avenger
(henceforth known by the popular name of Toxie), a hideously ugly, gruesomely
deformed monster who is driven to destroy evil. Destroy is definitely the right
word for the way Toxie treats his victims. He rips off arms and beats villains
with the soggy end, dry cleans little old lady’s (they are obviously evil),
deep fry’s robbers and crushes heads in gym machines. As a calling card he jams
a mop into the skull of his every victim. You’d think that people could figure
out who this weird superhero was off just the mop bit alone, but they’re morons
so obviously they don’t.
Toxie’s main aim in his new ugly life is to gain
revenge on all those responsible for his ill-fated dive into a drum of toxic
waste. Unbeknown to him though he has another enemy and wouldn’t you know it
he’s political. The worst ones are always in politics aren’t they? The mayor of
Tromaville is corrupt, well most politicians are but he takes it to extremes,
and being corrupt he’s quite worried about the possibility of a monstrous freak
of a hero bringing him down. You just know that such a conniving shit of a man
is going to do all in his power to bring Toxie down, manhunts, guns, the army,
that sort of thing. Will Toxie survive the mayor’s attentions? Well it would be
a fucking pointless hero movie if he didn’t.
Being a mutated freak isn’t all bad it seems,
whereas Melvin couldn’t pull a girl to save his life, Toxie has a bit more
luck. True the woman of his dreams may be blind and not exactly the sharpest
tool in the box, but love blooms in the strangest of ways. They may not be
Romeo and Juliet, but they do make an oddly cute couple. You may need to be
slightly drunk like I was to see them as cute I suppose.
I guess you can get the gist of the movie from all
that. Nerd gets bullied, gets transformed into freak, rips villains to pieces,
saves cute kids from maniac drivers, gets the girl and saves the day. Simple
premise really.
If you’ve never seen this movie, then trust me
you’re missing out on a rare and cheesy treat.
*Don’t try diving into toxic waste, it actually
doesn’t work!
