But I'm not going to write about dragons, gryphons, minotaurs or even honest politicians (the most fantastical of all fantasy beasts), instead I'm concentrating on the equine beasts; the unicorn, the Pegasus and the centaur. With the exception of the unicorn they're all criminally overlooked, well unless Tesco and Findus are about, then they're very much looked at!
Don't trust big brands by the way, they're always looking to make mincemeat of all their opposition!
Ahem! Anyhow this post is just me trying to answer a very simple question.
Which is better:
The Unicorn; cute, glittery, farts rainbows and is probably a psychotic killing machine?
The Pegasus; handsome, dangerous, has wings and is far cheaper than British Airways?
The Centaur; a fucking freak?
I have done extensive research on this question, trust me I didn't even need to utilise LSD.....
Erm, right, so let's start.
The Unicorn.
The cute unicorn, beloved of females of all ages, but why? What is it about this bastard offspring of a horse and narwhal that makes it a favourite? I mean c'mon, the fucking thing has a dildo on its head, it should make its home in an Ann Summers shop! How the fuck can you take such a thing seriously?
In order to understand better I went to a knowledgeable friend for answers. Now Charley might like to drink a bottle of wine in one gulp, but she knows what she's on about! That could be the result of too many drunken hallucinations though, hmm.....
What I got was this; unicorns are magically magical, able to cure bad moods with a single touch, fart rainbows and shit cupcakes and they're lovers not fighters. I dunno about you but that last point doesn't ring true, I mean why have a big, sharp horn on the head if they're not gonna fucking stab things to death? It seems a total waste to have a natural weapon and not use it for gory purposes! And what's so special about farting rainbows? Sure they look nice, but do they actually do anything? Well apart from providing Bungle, George and Zippy a TV show to prance around on! Oh I remember, a farted rainbow can lure the unwary into walking into large holes in the ground, resulting in bruises and blushes. Yeah that's impressive, not!! The cupcakes could be useful though hmm...
Personally I think that unicorns are sneaky, nasty little bastards! They act all cute and innocent and pure just to get themselves a good reputation, but I bet as soon as your back is turned they'll shove that horn right up your arse and screw you properly! I guess there are some people in this world who might find that appealing, I however am not one of those!
The Pegasus.
Here we have the noble Pegasus, born from a god and a gorgon and has a better disposition than both. And it can fly!!
So what's so good about it? Other than the fact that it can fly? Well unlike unicorns there's only one Pegasus, he's unique. Take that you unoriginal, horned future burgers!
Did I mention Pegasus can fly? And he's cheaper than British Airways and when you're on him you don't have some fucking annoying passenger digging their elbows into every part of you they can!!
I don't know if you've gathered from my subtle hints above, but I like Pegasus, he's cool. He interacts with those psychopathic Greek gods and us puny little mortals and for patiently dealing with us all and not kicking the shit out of us what does he get for a reward? A field full of willing mares? Shit loads of gold and gems? A penthouse suite in the poshest hotel in every city in the world? Nope, he gets some friggin' stars named after him! Ain't that a pure let down?
It's a real shame that Pegasus will never win a popularity contest, certainly not while those damn unicorns are about, manipulating the general public to love them! But I'm a fan and a proud one!
The Centaur.
Ah the centaur, part horse, part man and all genetic freak.
Seriously, apart from looking odd and being supposedly mystical, do these guys even have a point? They don't have a good PR image like unicorns, they can't fly like Pegasus, you couldn't even race one in the Grand National as you'd likely be disqualified for trying to cheat! Even Tesco's might think long and hard before making cheap burgers out of them! They're like chocolate fireguards, completely useless.
Hmm, maybe I was a tad harsh calling them completely useless, they can hold a weapon so you could use them as cannon fodder if you ever fancied taking over the world and needed expendable soldiers. And I suppose you could give them menial jobs, if you can ever distract them from looking at the sky. Seems that's all the lazy bastards want to do all day! So they're only slightly useless.
Hope I've not upset any centaur groupies there ... (weirdo's)
I don't actually dislike centaurs, just feel a bit of pity for the freaky bastards!
So which is best? Fucked if I know, I like the Pegasus, I'm biased, I'm certainly not going to give a fair write up of the others! Study all three and make your own minds up ya lazy gets!
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