- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends leave.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other people around you without spitting.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting pulverized.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol will make you believe that you are tougher, smarter, faster and more handsome than everyone else around you.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
This is a just a place where I can mess around and indulge my rusty creative side and generally have a laugh!
Tuesday 17 July 2012
Warning!
Just bored and found these very pertinent alcohol warnings. How many have applied to you??
Wednesday 11 July 2012
The top shelf
Just a short post today, more along the lines of a question.
What has happened to top shelf magazines?
I was at the end of my shift last night and had nothing left to do, so to pass the remaining few minutes away I tidied up the magazine shelves. As I was working my way along I noticed that the top shelf which used to be reserved for the more adult kind of magazines was now stacked with car, computer and photography magazines. I had to stop and have a wonder.
Where the fuck have all the porn mags gone??
It doesn't really seem all that long ago that crowds of young lads, I suppose I was one of them, would hang around in shops, sneakily picking up magazines with titles like; Mayfair, Fiesta, Escort and Penthouse. Now you barely see it. I'd like to blame the fact that most teens can't read anything more than a one syllable word without struggling, but those magazines didn't really require much reading.
So why have shops removed such magazines? Have we become so politically correct that we can't accept anything smut related to be on show anywhere, apart from specialist stores?
Could blame the internet which has made porn more easily accessible for everyone. But even that's not a complete answer as a lot of people still don't have the net.
Anyways, that's my small and not very important ramble of the day. Enjoy everything else you were doing prior to reading this, I'm off to buy milk so I can have my coffee!
What has happened to top shelf magazines?
I was at the end of my shift last night and had nothing left to do, so to pass the remaining few minutes away I tidied up the magazine shelves. As I was working my way along I noticed that the top shelf which used to be reserved for the more adult kind of magazines was now stacked with car, computer and photography magazines. I had to stop and have a wonder.
Where the fuck have all the porn mags gone??
It doesn't really seem all that long ago that crowds of young lads, I suppose I was one of them, would hang around in shops, sneakily picking up magazines with titles like; Mayfair, Fiesta, Escort and Penthouse. Now you barely see it. I'd like to blame the fact that most teens can't read anything more than a one syllable word without struggling, but those magazines didn't really require much reading.
So why have shops removed such magazines? Have we become so politically correct that we can't accept anything smut related to be on show anywhere, apart from specialist stores?
Could blame the internet which has made porn more easily accessible for everyone. But even that's not a complete answer as a lot of people still don't have the net.
Anyways, that's my small and not very important ramble of the day. Enjoy everything else you were doing prior to reading this, I'm off to buy milk so I can have my coffee!
Monday 9 July 2012
Telling stories in 75 words
A bit of background to the title here.
A website I visit on a fairly regular basis runs a monthly story competition (no prizes just the smug sense of success over your peers), the rules of the story are this; you must tell a story in 75 words or less, going off a specific theme and specific genre (it's a science-fiction/fantasy website so the genre is fairly obvious).
I've submitted a story on a few occasions now (never won though). So in today's blog post I'm going to put down all of my previous entries (there's not too many of them, so don't worry), and hope for some reader input. All comments welcome, whether on here or Facebook.
So to begin:
Entry number 1.
Theme; behind the scenes
Genre; fantasy
The Hidden Knife
Hidden from view I hear him arrive, your dearest brother, your greatest rival. Unsuspecting he greets you warmly.
I hear your reply, harsh accusations in a fearful voice.
The warmness is gone, an argument ensues.
He steps forward and you reach for me, a moments doubt and then swift action. You bury me deep in his chest, bathing me in his warm blood.
Your voice is triumphant as you declare yourself king.
Entry number 2.
Theme; nightmares
Genre; speculative fiction
Dragons Dream True
Fields on fire, fields of pain. The dying make their voices heard.
This is a dream…
High in the darkling sky he deals death to all under his gaze.
Not a dream, a nightmare…
In the hell below nothing now moves, his kin are dead.
I must wake…
Up!
Under a darkling sky he awakes, eyes open upon a scene of carnage.
I didn’t do this, I didn’t kill them…
It was just a dream!
Entry number 3.
Theme; redemption
Genre; speculative fiction
Sacrifice
I’ve led armies and conquered kingdoms. I’ve razed the very earth from atop a great dragon.
I’ve been a loyal servant to an unjust king, destroying in his name, glorying in battle. Damning my soul.
Am I evil?
I was saved by a child. Pure, innocent and heir to a throne. Ordered to die. In her eyes a plea for help.
I died that day, but not in vain. In protecting her I earned redemption.
Entry number 4.
Theme; toys
Genre; steampunk
Poor Rudolf...
“This new airship she’s steam powered, she’ll hit speeds you’ve never even dreamed of.”
“How about storage?”
“Room for everything you need and then some, you won’t be disappointed.”
The big man walked a circuit around the vessel, tugging at his beard.
“You’ve got yourself a deal.”
He pulled out a musket.
“Sir? What are you doing?”
“I have to shoot Rudolf, he’s useless now with my new toy,” Santa said.
Entry number 5.
Theme; innocence
Genre; speculative fiction
Fangs For The Invite
She stands before me clad in white, the very picture of purity. I must have her.
On the threshold of the door I await her invitation. Let me in my dear, let me in.
With a smile and a wave she beckons me in, oh so trusting. Swiftly I’m beside her, my teeth at her neck, her scream quickly stifled.
Ah the innocence of youth, it makes the blood taste oh so sweet.
So there we have it, 5 stories. They're not the best but I'm kinda proud of them, well sorta...
A website I visit on a fairly regular basis runs a monthly story competition (no prizes just the smug sense of success over your peers), the rules of the story are this; you must tell a story in 75 words or less, going off a specific theme and specific genre (it's a science-fiction/fantasy website so the genre is fairly obvious).
I've submitted a story on a few occasions now (never won though). So in today's blog post I'm going to put down all of my previous entries (there's not too many of them, so don't worry), and hope for some reader input. All comments welcome, whether on here or Facebook.
So to begin:
Entry number 1.
Theme; behind the scenes
Genre; fantasy
The Hidden Knife
Hidden from view I hear him arrive, your dearest brother, your greatest rival. Unsuspecting he greets you warmly.
I hear your reply, harsh accusations in a fearful voice.
The warmness is gone, an argument ensues.
He steps forward and you reach for me, a moments doubt and then swift action. You bury me deep in his chest, bathing me in his warm blood.
Your voice is triumphant as you declare yourself king.
Entry number 2.
Theme; nightmares
Genre; speculative fiction
Dragons Dream True
Fields on fire, fields of pain. The dying make their voices heard.
This is a dream…
High in the darkling sky he deals death to all under his gaze.
Not a dream, a nightmare…
In the hell below nothing now moves, his kin are dead.
I must wake…
Up!
Under a darkling sky he awakes, eyes open upon a scene of carnage.
I didn’t do this, I didn’t kill them…
It was just a dream!
Entry number 3.
Theme; redemption
Genre; speculative fiction
Sacrifice
I’ve led armies and conquered kingdoms. I’ve razed the very earth from atop a great dragon.
I’ve been a loyal servant to an unjust king, destroying in his name, glorying in battle. Damning my soul.
Am I evil?
I was saved by a child. Pure, innocent and heir to a throne. Ordered to die. In her eyes a plea for help.
I died that day, but not in vain. In protecting her I earned redemption.
Entry number 4.
Theme; toys
Genre; steampunk
Poor Rudolf...
“This new airship she’s steam powered, she’ll hit speeds you’ve never even dreamed of.”
“How about storage?”
“Room for everything you need and then some, you won’t be disappointed.”
The big man walked a circuit around the vessel, tugging at his beard.
“You’ve got yourself a deal.”
He pulled out a musket.
“Sir? What are you doing?”
“I have to shoot Rudolf, he’s useless now with my new toy,” Santa said.
Entry number 5.
Theme; innocence
Genre; speculative fiction
Fangs For The Invite
She stands before me clad in white, the very picture of purity. I must have her.
On the threshold of the door I await her invitation. Let me in my dear, let me in.
With a smile and a wave she beckons me in, oh so trusting. Swiftly I’m beside her, my teeth at her neck, her scream quickly stifled.
Ah the innocence of youth, it makes the blood taste oh so sweet.
So there we have it, 5 stories. They're not the best but I'm kinda proud of them, well sorta...
Friday 6 July 2012
More surveyish wonderings...
Well due to the success of my last lot of questions (hey one person answered, that's a success), I'm throwing up some more.
So here's some more bullshit and brilliant questions:
So here's some more bullshit and brilliant questions:
- Why haven't we sent a manned mission to Mars yet?
- Is the Loch Ness Monster just a lot of Scottish people taking the piss out of tourists?
- What is it people like about Boris Johnson?
- Does Noah have internet aboard his ark?
- Who can I blame when things wrong?
- Ninja's or Pirate's?
- Why do we make fun of ginger people?
- What is the point of the city of Bradford?
- Could I wear a pair of Reebok Classics and not look like a chav?
- Why is it that America seems to be dominating today's cultural landscape?
- Should I go dancing in the rain?
- What did we do before Facebook?
- I still have an uneaten Easter egg, would anyone like to share it with me?
- Why is it that I think better when smoking a cig?
- Glass half full or glass half empty?
- What is the appeal of porn?
- Is there any way that humanity could put Timmy Mallet to good use?
- Why is eating spaghetti so messy?
- Is the truth out there?
- Will we ever prove or disprove the existence of God?
- Do people realise that TV soaps aren't real?
- Sesame Street or Fraggle Rock?
- Why do we lose our inhibitions when drunk?
- Should I do fancy dress more often?
- How should I celebrate my birthday this year?
- Do you want to live forever?
- Why do we like to watch or read horror?
- Should we strive to have more inventive and adventurous sex lives?
- Does anyone like talking to an answerphone?
- What would be a cool superhero name?
Thursday 5 July 2012
A survey of sorts.
My writing has suffered a bit this past week, due to reasons I cannot divulge. So in an effort to get back into the mindset of the keyboard warrior (other than typing silly Facebook status'), I'm going to write up a list of questions, in varying degrees of ridiculousness and seriousness! Ya never know, you may be able to answer some of them...
There will be no order to these, so tough shit if you expect some!
There will be no order to these, so tough shit if you expect some!
- What is the Higgs-Bosun?
- Why is there never anything good on TV late at night?
- What possesses people to go on Jeremy Kyle?
- Why is it illegal to have sex in public?
- Is there life on other planets?
- If you took an x ray of David Cameron would you find signs of intelligence?
- Is Wayne Rooney the missing link?
- Are all Americans gun-toting maniacs?
- Who would win in a fight; Sooty off the Sooty show or George from Rainbow?
- Is it possible that mermaids could have invented tit-wanks?
- How can I survive the zombie apocalypse using only a Muse concert ticket for a weapon?
- Why are the England football team so shit?
- Should I spend the next few nights drinking?
- Will penguins one day rule the Earth?
- Why are British summers so wet?
- How the fuck did Justin Bieber become so popular?
- Why is the grass always greener on the other side?
- Do you know what the matrix is?
- Barring a bullet, is there any way to stop Lionel Messi?
- Has 50 Shades of Grey raised women's expectations of men?
- Why does a drink that is bought for you taste better than one you bought yourself?
- Is it true that the drugs don't work?
- Should you tell someone that you like them and risk friendship, them laughing in your face?
- Who's to blame for the recession?
- Could dwarf kicking be introduced as an Olympic sport?
- Why do you always look your worst on passport pictures?
- Porn, is it a good or bad thing?
- Can I market my face as an acceptable Halloween mask?
- Who was Jack the Ripper?
- What would be a really cool superhero?
Tuesday 3 July 2012
People are stupid!
People should really learn to think before they speak or write...
Just bored and rather pissed off today, so copy/pasting these just for a slight laugh.
Dumb insurance claim forms
Just bored and rather pissed off today, so copy/pasting these just for a slight laugh.
Dumb insurance claim forms
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it
Sunday 1 July 2012
Things of great evil.
I'm sat here, maybe enjoying a vodka or 10, and am about to have a ramble about some of the great, unacknowledged evils in the world.
Not the evils that affect the world, but the more personal, everyday evils. Those that leave you cursing fate and family members alike. First world problems in other words!
This is the start of the rambling list of evilness:
I - Running out of brew making equipment
Don't you just fucking hate it when you go into the kitchen, switch on the kettle, wash your cup and then discover that you have no coffee/sugar/tea/milk? What bastard trick of fate allows this to happen?? Blame has to be placed somewhere, and since Hitler, Saddam and Stalin are all dead the obvious candidate for blame is whoever went to the shop last. If that person was you then blame everyone else for not reminding you!
Evilness rating 9/10
II - Lighter runs out and there's no spare in the house
This obviously only applies to smokers, so can be ignored by the healthy among you! I tell you though, it's friggin' annoying, you just want to enjoy a nice, unhealthy cig and your damn lighter won't work! Whether it's the the flint that has died or the gas has run out, plainly something somewhere wants you to suffer. It's not too bad if you have a gas cooker as the gas rings can be used until you can get to the shop. Beware of burned off eyebrows though.
Evilness rating 7/10
III - Being disturbed on the toilet
You've just sat down to do the crossword, read a book or write your will, when some inconsiderate bastard asks when you'll be done and can you hurry up. For fuck sakes you've probably worked and suffered all day, and you're just looking forward to that peaceful bathroom trip. But when you finally get yourself sat down everybody decides that they now need the toilet, despite having hours to visit before you even got home!! It's at this moment you wish for a shotgun. True you can always go back after every one has been, but it's the principle of the thing dammit!
Evilness rating 6/10
IV - Running out of alcohol
Imagine the scene; you've just finished a long, stressful weeks work, all you want to do is sit down with a few bottles and get steaming, blind drunk. You pour yourself a few drinks, get nicely merry and that's when you discover you've no booze left. Which utter, fucking heartless bastard drunk that bottle of vodka you had?? Who could do such a thing (it was probably you but you forgot all about it). You're forced to go to the shop when you're half-cut and that is something that no one should have to do, dealing with shop assistants when tipsy is pure evil (I'm a shop assistant I know these things).
Evilness rating 9/10
V - Fitted bed sheets
Although like any normal person I love the feel of getting into a freshly made bed, it feels good alright, don't judge me! I absolutely loathe with a passion the time when it comes to actually strip a bed down and remake it. Not for the reasons that others do, the duvet and shit, but for the fitted sheet. Is it only me, or would anyone else prefer to suffer some painful form of torture in order to escape the ordeal of the fucking fitted sheet? If I strip the bed during the day I'll put off the remaking of it as long as possible, often right to the very last hour of the day, just because I know what's coming. You pull the bed out as far as possible, get the corners of the sheet into place (after 5 minutes searching for the fucking things), so far so good. Here's were things start to go seriously wrong, each edge is elasticated so you can never tell which is top, bottom or the sides, you stretch the sheet down the bed and one corner comes loose, you swear. Refit the corner, stretch again and the other corner comes loose, your swearing multiplies. You restart the process, have some luck with no corners pulling loose and discover that you've got it on the wrong way, it ain't gonna stretch to the bottom of the bed, you invent swear words that never existed until that moment. By this time you're hot, sweaty and perfectly willing to spend the rest of your life sleeping on a bare mattress! You can't even make a fucking simple bed, just what does that bode for any dreamed of future success? Finally, finally you get the damned thing on, step back in pure relief and notice that there's creases and lumps everywhere. Scream!
You know, when I win the lottery, I'm gonna hire someone and pay them fucking good money just to make the bed every couple of weeks!
Evilness rating 10/10
That's my tiny list done, maybe you all have different things you consider evil, but I'm writing this for me, so kiss my arse if you don't agree! Or laugh and mock me, it's all good!
Here's my little disclaimer; this is a (poor) humourous list, if you take it all seriously then you may need to remove the stick up your arse :)
Not the evils that affect the world, but the more personal, everyday evils. Those that leave you cursing fate and family members alike. First world problems in other words!
This is the start of the rambling list of evilness:
I - Running out of brew making equipment
Don't you just fucking hate it when you go into the kitchen, switch on the kettle, wash your cup and then discover that you have no coffee/sugar/tea/milk? What bastard trick of fate allows this to happen?? Blame has to be placed somewhere, and since Hitler, Saddam and Stalin are all dead the obvious candidate for blame is whoever went to the shop last. If that person was you then blame everyone else for not reminding you!
Evilness rating 9/10
II - Lighter runs out and there's no spare in the house
This obviously only applies to smokers, so can be ignored by the healthy among you! I tell you though, it's friggin' annoying, you just want to enjoy a nice, unhealthy cig and your damn lighter won't work! Whether it's the the flint that has died or the gas has run out, plainly something somewhere wants you to suffer. It's not too bad if you have a gas cooker as the gas rings can be used until you can get to the shop. Beware of burned off eyebrows though.
Evilness rating 7/10
III - Being disturbed on the toilet
You've just sat down to do the crossword, read a book or write your will, when some inconsiderate bastard asks when you'll be done and can you hurry up. For fuck sakes you've probably worked and suffered all day, and you're just looking forward to that peaceful bathroom trip. But when you finally get yourself sat down everybody decides that they now need the toilet, despite having hours to visit before you even got home!! It's at this moment you wish for a shotgun. True you can always go back after every one has been, but it's the principle of the thing dammit!
Evilness rating 6/10
IV - Running out of alcohol
Imagine the scene; you've just finished a long, stressful weeks work, all you want to do is sit down with a few bottles and get steaming, blind drunk. You pour yourself a few drinks, get nicely merry and that's when you discover you've no booze left. Which utter, fucking heartless bastard drunk that bottle of vodka you had?? Who could do such a thing (it was probably you but you forgot all about it). You're forced to go to the shop when you're half-cut and that is something that no one should have to do, dealing with shop assistants when tipsy is pure evil (I'm a shop assistant I know these things).
Evilness rating 9/10
V - Fitted bed sheets
Although like any normal person I love the feel of getting into a freshly made bed, it feels good alright, don't judge me! I absolutely loathe with a passion the time when it comes to actually strip a bed down and remake it. Not for the reasons that others do, the duvet and shit, but for the fitted sheet. Is it only me, or would anyone else prefer to suffer some painful form of torture in order to escape the ordeal of the fucking fitted sheet? If I strip the bed during the day I'll put off the remaking of it as long as possible, often right to the very last hour of the day, just because I know what's coming. You pull the bed out as far as possible, get the corners of the sheet into place (after 5 minutes searching for the fucking things), so far so good. Here's were things start to go seriously wrong, each edge is elasticated so you can never tell which is top, bottom or the sides, you stretch the sheet down the bed and one corner comes loose, you swear. Refit the corner, stretch again and the other corner comes loose, your swearing multiplies. You restart the process, have some luck with no corners pulling loose and discover that you've got it on the wrong way, it ain't gonna stretch to the bottom of the bed, you invent swear words that never existed until that moment. By this time you're hot, sweaty and perfectly willing to spend the rest of your life sleeping on a bare mattress! You can't even make a fucking simple bed, just what does that bode for any dreamed of future success? Finally, finally you get the damned thing on, step back in pure relief and notice that there's creases and lumps everywhere. Scream!
You know, when I win the lottery, I'm gonna hire someone and pay them fucking good money just to make the bed every couple of weeks!
Evilness rating 10/10
That's my tiny list done, maybe you all have different things you consider evil, but I'm writing this for me, so kiss my arse if you don't agree! Or laugh and mock me, it's all good!
Here's my little disclaimer; this is a (poor) humourous list, if you take it all seriously then you may need to remove the stick up your arse :)
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