- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends leave.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other people around you without spitting.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting pulverized.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol will make you believe that you are tougher, smarter, faster and more handsome than everyone else around you.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
This is a just a place where I can mess around and indulge my rusty creative side and generally have a laugh!
Tuesday 17 July 2012
Warning!
Just bored and found these very pertinent alcohol warnings. How many have applied to you??
Wednesday 11 July 2012
The top shelf
Just a short post today, more along the lines of a question.
What has happened to top shelf magazines?
I was at the end of my shift last night and had nothing left to do, so to pass the remaining few minutes away I tidied up the magazine shelves. As I was working my way along I noticed that the top shelf which used to be reserved for the more adult kind of magazines was now stacked with car, computer and photography magazines. I had to stop and have a wonder.
Where the fuck have all the porn mags gone??
It doesn't really seem all that long ago that crowds of young lads, I suppose I was one of them, would hang around in shops, sneakily picking up magazines with titles like; Mayfair, Fiesta, Escort and Penthouse. Now you barely see it. I'd like to blame the fact that most teens can't read anything more than a one syllable word without struggling, but those magazines didn't really require much reading.
So why have shops removed such magazines? Have we become so politically correct that we can't accept anything smut related to be on show anywhere, apart from specialist stores?
Could blame the internet which has made porn more easily accessible for everyone. But even that's not a complete answer as a lot of people still don't have the net.
Anyways, that's my small and not very important ramble of the day. Enjoy everything else you were doing prior to reading this, I'm off to buy milk so I can have my coffee!
What has happened to top shelf magazines?
I was at the end of my shift last night and had nothing left to do, so to pass the remaining few minutes away I tidied up the magazine shelves. As I was working my way along I noticed that the top shelf which used to be reserved for the more adult kind of magazines was now stacked with car, computer and photography magazines. I had to stop and have a wonder.
Where the fuck have all the porn mags gone??
It doesn't really seem all that long ago that crowds of young lads, I suppose I was one of them, would hang around in shops, sneakily picking up magazines with titles like; Mayfair, Fiesta, Escort and Penthouse. Now you barely see it. I'd like to blame the fact that most teens can't read anything more than a one syllable word without struggling, but those magazines didn't really require much reading.
So why have shops removed such magazines? Have we become so politically correct that we can't accept anything smut related to be on show anywhere, apart from specialist stores?
Could blame the internet which has made porn more easily accessible for everyone. But even that's not a complete answer as a lot of people still don't have the net.
Anyways, that's my small and not very important ramble of the day. Enjoy everything else you were doing prior to reading this, I'm off to buy milk so I can have my coffee!
Monday 9 July 2012
Telling stories in 75 words
A bit of background to the title here.
A website I visit on a fairly regular basis runs a monthly story competition (no prizes just the smug sense of success over your peers), the rules of the story are this; you must tell a story in 75 words or less, going off a specific theme and specific genre (it's a science-fiction/fantasy website so the genre is fairly obvious).
I've submitted a story on a few occasions now (never won though). So in today's blog post I'm going to put down all of my previous entries (there's not too many of them, so don't worry), and hope for some reader input. All comments welcome, whether on here or Facebook.
So to begin:
Entry number 1.
Theme; behind the scenes
Genre; fantasy
The Hidden Knife
Hidden from view I hear him arrive, your dearest brother, your greatest rival. Unsuspecting he greets you warmly.
I hear your reply, harsh accusations in a fearful voice.
The warmness is gone, an argument ensues.
He steps forward and you reach for me, a moments doubt and then swift action. You bury me deep in his chest, bathing me in his warm blood.
Your voice is triumphant as you declare yourself king.
Entry number 2.
Theme; nightmares
Genre; speculative fiction
Dragons Dream True
Fields on fire, fields of pain. The dying make their voices heard.
This is a dream…
High in the darkling sky he deals death to all under his gaze.
Not a dream, a nightmare…
In the hell below nothing now moves, his kin are dead.
I must wake…
Up!
Under a darkling sky he awakes, eyes open upon a scene of carnage.
I didn’t do this, I didn’t kill them…
It was just a dream!
Entry number 3.
Theme; redemption
Genre; speculative fiction
Sacrifice
I’ve led armies and conquered kingdoms. I’ve razed the very earth from atop a great dragon.
I’ve been a loyal servant to an unjust king, destroying in his name, glorying in battle. Damning my soul.
Am I evil?
I was saved by a child. Pure, innocent and heir to a throne. Ordered to die. In her eyes a plea for help.
I died that day, but not in vain. In protecting her I earned redemption.
Entry number 4.
Theme; toys
Genre; steampunk
Poor Rudolf...
“This new airship she’s steam powered, she’ll hit speeds you’ve never even dreamed of.”
“How about storage?”
“Room for everything you need and then some, you won’t be disappointed.”
The big man walked a circuit around the vessel, tugging at his beard.
“You’ve got yourself a deal.”
He pulled out a musket.
“Sir? What are you doing?”
“I have to shoot Rudolf, he’s useless now with my new toy,” Santa said.
Entry number 5.
Theme; innocence
Genre; speculative fiction
Fangs For The Invite
She stands before me clad in white, the very picture of purity. I must have her.
On the threshold of the door I await her invitation. Let me in my dear, let me in.
With a smile and a wave she beckons me in, oh so trusting. Swiftly I’m beside her, my teeth at her neck, her scream quickly stifled.
Ah the innocence of youth, it makes the blood taste oh so sweet.
So there we have it, 5 stories. They're not the best but I'm kinda proud of them, well sorta...
A website I visit on a fairly regular basis runs a monthly story competition (no prizes just the smug sense of success over your peers), the rules of the story are this; you must tell a story in 75 words or less, going off a specific theme and specific genre (it's a science-fiction/fantasy website so the genre is fairly obvious).
I've submitted a story on a few occasions now (never won though). So in today's blog post I'm going to put down all of my previous entries (there's not too many of them, so don't worry), and hope for some reader input. All comments welcome, whether on here or Facebook.
So to begin:
Entry number 1.
Theme; behind the scenes
Genre; fantasy
The Hidden Knife
Hidden from view I hear him arrive, your dearest brother, your greatest rival. Unsuspecting he greets you warmly.
I hear your reply, harsh accusations in a fearful voice.
The warmness is gone, an argument ensues.
He steps forward and you reach for me, a moments doubt and then swift action. You bury me deep in his chest, bathing me in his warm blood.
Your voice is triumphant as you declare yourself king.
Entry number 2.
Theme; nightmares
Genre; speculative fiction
Dragons Dream True
Fields on fire, fields of pain. The dying make their voices heard.
This is a dream…
High in the darkling sky he deals death to all under his gaze.
Not a dream, a nightmare…
In the hell below nothing now moves, his kin are dead.
I must wake…
Up!
Under a darkling sky he awakes, eyes open upon a scene of carnage.
I didn’t do this, I didn’t kill them…
It was just a dream!
Entry number 3.
Theme; redemption
Genre; speculative fiction
Sacrifice
I’ve led armies and conquered kingdoms. I’ve razed the very earth from atop a great dragon.
I’ve been a loyal servant to an unjust king, destroying in his name, glorying in battle. Damning my soul.
Am I evil?
I was saved by a child. Pure, innocent and heir to a throne. Ordered to die. In her eyes a plea for help.
I died that day, but not in vain. In protecting her I earned redemption.
Entry number 4.
Theme; toys
Genre; steampunk
Poor Rudolf...
“This new airship she’s steam powered, she’ll hit speeds you’ve never even dreamed of.”
“How about storage?”
“Room for everything you need and then some, you won’t be disappointed.”
The big man walked a circuit around the vessel, tugging at his beard.
“You’ve got yourself a deal.”
He pulled out a musket.
“Sir? What are you doing?”
“I have to shoot Rudolf, he’s useless now with my new toy,” Santa said.
Entry number 5.
Theme; innocence
Genre; speculative fiction
Fangs For The Invite
She stands before me clad in white, the very picture of purity. I must have her.
On the threshold of the door I await her invitation. Let me in my dear, let me in.
With a smile and a wave she beckons me in, oh so trusting. Swiftly I’m beside her, my teeth at her neck, her scream quickly stifled.
Ah the innocence of youth, it makes the blood taste oh so sweet.
So there we have it, 5 stories. They're not the best but I'm kinda proud of them, well sorta...
Friday 6 July 2012
More surveyish wonderings...
Well due to the success of my last lot of questions (hey one person answered, that's a success), I'm throwing up some more.
So here's some more bullshit and brilliant questions:
So here's some more bullshit and brilliant questions:
- Why haven't we sent a manned mission to Mars yet?
- Is the Loch Ness Monster just a lot of Scottish people taking the piss out of tourists?
- What is it people like about Boris Johnson?
- Does Noah have internet aboard his ark?
- Who can I blame when things wrong?
- Ninja's or Pirate's?
- Why do we make fun of ginger people?
- What is the point of the city of Bradford?
- Could I wear a pair of Reebok Classics and not look like a chav?
- Why is it that America seems to be dominating today's cultural landscape?
- Should I go dancing in the rain?
- What did we do before Facebook?
- I still have an uneaten Easter egg, would anyone like to share it with me?
- Why is it that I think better when smoking a cig?
- Glass half full or glass half empty?
- What is the appeal of porn?
- Is there any way that humanity could put Timmy Mallet to good use?
- Why is eating spaghetti so messy?
- Is the truth out there?
- Will we ever prove or disprove the existence of God?
- Do people realise that TV soaps aren't real?
- Sesame Street or Fraggle Rock?
- Why do we lose our inhibitions when drunk?
- Should I do fancy dress more often?
- How should I celebrate my birthday this year?
- Do you want to live forever?
- Why do we like to watch or read horror?
- Should we strive to have more inventive and adventurous sex lives?
- Does anyone like talking to an answerphone?
- What would be a cool superhero name?
Thursday 5 July 2012
A survey of sorts.
My writing has suffered a bit this past week, due to reasons I cannot divulge. So in an effort to get back into the mindset of the keyboard warrior (other than typing silly Facebook status'), I'm going to write up a list of questions, in varying degrees of ridiculousness and seriousness! Ya never know, you may be able to answer some of them...
There will be no order to these, so tough shit if you expect some!
There will be no order to these, so tough shit if you expect some!
- What is the Higgs-Bosun?
- Why is there never anything good on TV late at night?
- What possesses people to go on Jeremy Kyle?
- Why is it illegal to have sex in public?
- Is there life on other planets?
- If you took an x ray of David Cameron would you find signs of intelligence?
- Is Wayne Rooney the missing link?
- Are all Americans gun-toting maniacs?
- Who would win in a fight; Sooty off the Sooty show or George from Rainbow?
- Is it possible that mermaids could have invented tit-wanks?
- How can I survive the zombie apocalypse using only a Muse concert ticket for a weapon?
- Why are the England football team so shit?
- Should I spend the next few nights drinking?
- Will penguins one day rule the Earth?
- Why are British summers so wet?
- How the fuck did Justin Bieber become so popular?
- Why is the grass always greener on the other side?
- Do you know what the matrix is?
- Barring a bullet, is there any way to stop Lionel Messi?
- Has 50 Shades of Grey raised women's expectations of men?
- Why does a drink that is bought for you taste better than one you bought yourself?
- Is it true that the drugs don't work?
- Should you tell someone that you like them and risk friendship, them laughing in your face?
- Who's to blame for the recession?
- Could dwarf kicking be introduced as an Olympic sport?
- Why do you always look your worst on passport pictures?
- Porn, is it a good or bad thing?
- Can I market my face as an acceptable Halloween mask?
- Who was Jack the Ripper?
- What would be a really cool superhero?
Tuesday 3 July 2012
People are stupid!
People should really learn to think before they speak or write...
Just bored and rather pissed off today, so copy/pasting these just for a slight laugh.
Dumb insurance claim forms
Just bored and rather pissed off today, so copy/pasting these just for a slight laugh.
Dumb insurance claim forms
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it
Sunday 1 July 2012
Things of great evil.
I'm sat here, maybe enjoying a vodka or 10, and am about to have a ramble about some of the great, unacknowledged evils in the world.
Not the evils that affect the world, but the more personal, everyday evils. Those that leave you cursing fate and family members alike. First world problems in other words!
This is the start of the rambling list of evilness:
I - Running out of brew making equipment
Don't you just fucking hate it when you go into the kitchen, switch on the kettle, wash your cup and then discover that you have no coffee/sugar/tea/milk? What bastard trick of fate allows this to happen?? Blame has to be placed somewhere, and since Hitler, Saddam and Stalin are all dead the obvious candidate for blame is whoever went to the shop last. If that person was you then blame everyone else for not reminding you!
Evilness rating 9/10
II - Lighter runs out and there's no spare in the house
This obviously only applies to smokers, so can be ignored by the healthy among you! I tell you though, it's friggin' annoying, you just want to enjoy a nice, unhealthy cig and your damn lighter won't work! Whether it's the the flint that has died or the gas has run out, plainly something somewhere wants you to suffer. It's not too bad if you have a gas cooker as the gas rings can be used until you can get to the shop. Beware of burned off eyebrows though.
Evilness rating 7/10
III - Being disturbed on the toilet
You've just sat down to do the crossword, read a book or write your will, when some inconsiderate bastard asks when you'll be done and can you hurry up. For fuck sakes you've probably worked and suffered all day, and you're just looking forward to that peaceful bathroom trip. But when you finally get yourself sat down everybody decides that they now need the toilet, despite having hours to visit before you even got home!! It's at this moment you wish for a shotgun. True you can always go back after every one has been, but it's the principle of the thing dammit!
Evilness rating 6/10
IV - Running out of alcohol
Imagine the scene; you've just finished a long, stressful weeks work, all you want to do is sit down with a few bottles and get steaming, blind drunk. You pour yourself a few drinks, get nicely merry and that's when you discover you've no booze left. Which utter, fucking heartless bastard drunk that bottle of vodka you had?? Who could do such a thing (it was probably you but you forgot all about it). You're forced to go to the shop when you're half-cut and that is something that no one should have to do, dealing with shop assistants when tipsy is pure evil (I'm a shop assistant I know these things).
Evilness rating 9/10
V - Fitted bed sheets
Although like any normal person I love the feel of getting into a freshly made bed, it feels good alright, don't judge me! I absolutely loathe with a passion the time when it comes to actually strip a bed down and remake it. Not for the reasons that others do, the duvet and shit, but for the fitted sheet. Is it only me, or would anyone else prefer to suffer some painful form of torture in order to escape the ordeal of the fucking fitted sheet? If I strip the bed during the day I'll put off the remaking of it as long as possible, often right to the very last hour of the day, just because I know what's coming. You pull the bed out as far as possible, get the corners of the sheet into place (after 5 minutes searching for the fucking things), so far so good. Here's were things start to go seriously wrong, each edge is elasticated so you can never tell which is top, bottom or the sides, you stretch the sheet down the bed and one corner comes loose, you swear. Refit the corner, stretch again and the other corner comes loose, your swearing multiplies. You restart the process, have some luck with no corners pulling loose and discover that you've got it on the wrong way, it ain't gonna stretch to the bottom of the bed, you invent swear words that never existed until that moment. By this time you're hot, sweaty and perfectly willing to spend the rest of your life sleeping on a bare mattress! You can't even make a fucking simple bed, just what does that bode for any dreamed of future success? Finally, finally you get the damned thing on, step back in pure relief and notice that there's creases and lumps everywhere. Scream!
You know, when I win the lottery, I'm gonna hire someone and pay them fucking good money just to make the bed every couple of weeks!
Evilness rating 10/10
That's my tiny list done, maybe you all have different things you consider evil, but I'm writing this for me, so kiss my arse if you don't agree! Or laugh and mock me, it's all good!
Here's my little disclaimer; this is a (poor) humourous list, if you take it all seriously then you may need to remove the stick up your arse :)
Not the evils that affect the world, but the more personal, everyday evils. Those that leave you cursing fate and family members alike. First world problems in other words!
This is the start of the rambling list of evilness:
I - Running out of brew making equipment
Don't you just fucking hate it when you go into the kitchen, switch on the kettle, wash your cup and then discover that you have no coffee/sugar/tea/milk? What bastard trick of fate allows this to happen?? Blame has to be placed somewhere, and since Hitler, Saddam and Stalin are all dead the obvious candidate for blame is whoever went to the shop last. If that person was you then blame everyone else for not reminding you!
Evilness rating 9/10
II - Lighter runs out and there's no spare in the house
This obviously only applies to smokers, so can be ignored by the healthy among you! I tell you though, it's friggin' annoying, you just want to enjoy a nice, unhealthy cig and your damn lighter won't work! Whether it's the the flint that has died or the gas has run out, plainly something somewhere wants you to suffer. It's not too bad if you have a gas cooker as the gas rings can be used until you can get to the shop. Beware of burned off eyebrows though.
Evilness rating 7/10
III - Being disturbed on the toilet
You've just sat down to do the crossword, read a book or write your will, when some inconsiderate bastard asks when you'll be done and can you hurry up. For fuck sakes you've probably worked and suffered all day, and you're just looking forward to that peaceful bathroom trip. But when you finally get yourself sat down everybody decides that they now need the toilet, despite having hours to visit before you even got home!! It's at this moment you wish for a shotgun. True you can always go back after every one has been, but it's the principle of the thing dammit!
Evilness rating 6/10
IV - Running out of alcohol
Imagine the scene; you've just finished a long, stressful weeks work, all you want to do is sit down with a few bottles and get steaming, blind drunk. You pour yourself a few drinks, get nicely merry and that's when you discover you've no booze left. Which utter, fucking heartless bastard drunk that bottle of vodka you had?? Who could do such a thing (it was probably you but you forgot all about it). You're forced to go to the shop when you're half-cut and that is something that no one should have to do, dealing with shop assistants when tipsy is pure evil (I'm a shop assistant I know these things).
Evilness rating 9/10
V - Fitted bed sheets
Although like any normal person I love the feel of getting into a freshly made bed, it feels good alright, don't judge me! I absolutely loathe with a passion the time when it comes to actually strip a bed down and remake it. Not for the reasons that others do, the duvet and shit, but for the fitted sheet. Is it only me, or would anyone else prefer to suffer some painful form of torture in order to escape the ordeal of the fucking fitted sheet? If I strip the bed during the day I'll put off the remaking of it as long as possible, often right to the very last hour of the day, just because I know what's coming. You pull the bed out as far as possible, get the corners of the sheet into place (after 5 minutes searching for the fucking things), so far so good. Here's were things start to go seriously wrong, each edge is elasticated so you can never tell which is top, bottom or the sides, you stretch the sheet down the bed and one corner comes loose, you swear. Refit the corner, stretch again and the other corner comes loose, your swearing multiplies. You restart the process, have some luck with no corners pulling loose and discover that you've got it on the wrong way, it ain't gonna stretch to the bottom of the bed, you invent swear words that never existed until that moment. By this time you're hot, sweaty and perfectly willing to spend the rest of your life sleeping on a bare mattress! You can't even make a fucking simple bed, just what does that bode for any dreamed of future success? Finally, finally you get the damned thing on, step back in pure relief and notice that there's creases and lumps everywhere. Scream!
You know, when I win the lottery, I'm gonna hire someone and pay them fucking good money just to make the bed every couple of weeks!
Evilness rating 10/10
That's my tiny list done, maybe you all have different things you consider evil, but I'm writing this for me, so kiss my arse if you don't agree! Or laugh and mock me, it's all good!
Here's my little disclaimer; this is a (poor) humourous list, if you take it all seriously then you may need to remove the stick up your arse :)
Tuesday 26 June 2012
Here's 10p.....
Go phone your parents and tell them you won't be home tonight!
I can pretty much guess that using that line would get you laughed at, slapped or both should you ever have the balls to go and say it to a girl. Yes I know people don't use payphones anymore, but that was a semi-popular line when I first started going out.
So brought upon by nothing at all, other than that line just appearing in my mind, I'm going to do a top ten list for cheesy, corny, witty and rude chat up lines. Some I've heard and some have been used on friends of mine.
Before I start though, I must stress that I've never used any of the following, or indeed any chat up line. For one I don't have the confidence to believe they'd work for me, for another women laugh at me enough without me giving them any extra ammunition.
Off we go...
One
I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'll make your bedrock!
Seriously this one is terrible, it's a crap pun never mind a crap chat up line.
Two
Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven
There's not much I can say to that, other than whoever uses it deserves a slap.
Three
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together!
I'm guessing this is meant to be quite romantic, in a weird, creepy way...
Four
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Heard that said by various friends (who shall remain nameless to protect their embarrassment), surprisingly it worked once.
Five
Is that a mirror in your pants? 'cause I can see myself in them!
*sigh* Bad, just bad!
Six
Nice legs, what time do they open?
Well that's a smooth one isn't it? Almost guaranteed to have no success at all.
Seven
Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk past again?
Does that actually have any chance of working?? Hmmm...
Eight
Nice dress, it would look great on my bedroom floor.
Corny with a hint of wit, might get a smile that...
Nine
Do you believe in casual sex, or should I get dressed up?
That one I like, definitely gotta have the nerve to say it though.
Ten
The only time I'd kick you out of bed is to fuck you on the floor!
Using that as an opening line would require more confidence than I'll ever possess. Friend of mine tried it once, we had to leave the pub not long after because the girl and her friends couldn't stop laughing at him. Cruel maybe?
That concludes my list. Incidentally any women reading this feel free to give your verdict on the above lines, or indeed on any that you have been subjected to!
I can pretty much guess that using that line would get you laughed at, slapped or both should you ever have the balls to go and say it to a girl. Yes I know people don't use payphones anymore, but that was a semi-popular line when I first started going out.
So brought upon by nothing at all, other than that line just appearing in my mind, I'm going to do a top ten list for cheesy, corny, witty and rude chat up lines. Some I've heard and some have been used on friends of mine.
Before I start though, I must stress that I've never used any of the following, or indeed any chat up line. For one I don't have the confidence to believe they'd work for me, for another women laugh at me enough without me giving them any extra ammunition.
Off we go...
One
I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'll make your bedrock!
Seriously this one is terrible, it's a crap pun never mind a crap chat up line.
Two
Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven
There's not much I can say to that, other than whoever uses it deserves a slap.
Three
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together!
I'm guessing this is meant to be quite romantic, in a weird, creepy way...
Four
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Heard that said by various friends (who shall remain nameless to protect their embarrassment), surprisingly it worked once.
Five
Is that a mirror in your pants? 'cause I can see myself in them!
*sigh* Bad, just bad!
Six
Nice legs, what time do they open?
Well that's a smooth one isn't it? Almost guaranteed to have no success at all.
Seven
Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk past again?
Does that actually have any chance of working?? Hmmm...
Eight
Nice dress, it would look great on my bedroom floor.
Corny with a hint of wit, might get a smile that...
Nine
Do you believe in casual sex, or should I get dressed up?
That one I like, definitely gotta have the nerve to say it though.
Ten
The only time I'd kick you out of bed is to fuck you on the floor!
Using that as an opening line would require more confidence than I'll ever possess. Friend of mine tried it once, we had to leave the pub not long after because the girl and her friends couldn't stop laughing at him. Cruel maybe?
That concludes my list. Incidentally any women reading this feel free to give your verdict on the above lines, or indeed on any that you have been subjected to!
Monday 25 June 2012
The trials and tribulations of being an England football fan
Being the observations and expectations of a typical England fan
Well Euro 2012 ended up in a depressingly familiar way for us England fans, we were subjected to another competition exit by the losing of a penalty shoot-out. 7 penalty shoot-outs lost out of 8 we've taken part in. Something tells me that we're shit at taking penalties under pressure.
So what do we do now? Well it's as you were, we move on, we regroup and we prepare ourselves for the next inevitable quarter-final exit.
And this is how things will go:
1. Qualification. Yaaaaaaaaayyy!! We've qualified for another European Championship/World Cup. This time it's gonna be ours. This time football is coming home!
2. Naming the squad. What?? Why?? How the fuck did he get in, he's shit? Why isn't he in the squad, he's been the leagues best player? Every time the England squad is named nearly every one of us turns into a professional manager, 'cause we know best ya know! The current boss doesn't stand a chance.
3. All radio channels overplay every single football and football related song they can think of, just to get us in the mood! Because if we don't listen to John Barnes rapping at least 10 times a day then we're not going to appreciate the tournament we're in.
4. Facebook and other social media sites get spammed with people screaming "believe" at each other. Believe and we can do it, believe and this group of lead-footed players will magically turn into Barcelona overnight, believe and we'll not only win this tournament but bring about world peace and also galactic peace. Belief is all we need ya know!
Gonna have to pause the list here a moment while I vent. If someone says to me "believe" again, I'm gonna burp in their face, preferably after eating garlic all day. If belief was all we needed then we would have qualified and won every competition ever. But it's not and we haven't! Talent and ability win the big shiny things, not a group of pissed up people with Union Jack's tattooed onto every conceivable body part.
Vent over!
5. The pre-tournament friendlies. We scrape to a few 1-0 wins over nations who'd struggle to play in a pub league. But hey a win's a win no matter how well you play, besides the players have to get used to playing with each other. You've gotta beli... *slap*
6. It's time for the opening game, the beer is bought, the crisps and other snacks are ready and waiting. We all strive to sing the national anthem, without knowing a fucking word of it. We play shit and sneak our way to a lucky result, usually a draw. But c'mon, that's the hardest game in the group over with, and they had 12 men to our 11 'cause the ref was clearly on their side. Despite the ref sending off 2 of their players and denying them 20 clear cut penalty claims. We never won so the ref was dodgy!
7. Rinse and repeat point 6, just change the excuses for the performance, "they were the host nation", "they've always been our bogey side". Argue and get upset on Facebook, threaten to delete people because they dare to be critical. Being critical makes them shit fans and not fit to be called English.
8. Somehow qualify from the group, find out that Germany could be faced at some point before reaching the final. Worry.
9. We reach the quarter-finals, even the most pessimistic start to feel a slight touch of excitement. Extra time and penalties are a very real possibility and the tabloid newspapers mention this on the back page every day until the game. And the game is underway, the streets of England are eerily silent, even the chavs have stopped threatening people for a few hours. Well wouldn't you know it, after 2 hours of biting your nails all the way down it's penalties. AGAIN! Which England players will miss and get to star in Pizza Hut adverts for a few years? England lose on penalties! It's the old, old story yet again!
10. Oh well hard luck lads, you played your hearts out and gave your all. Never mind that thanks to the footballing powers that be we were technically inferior to our opposition and didn't actually deserve to be anything more than a team just making up the required numbers for the competition. There is one silver lining, no one is screaming "believe" in each others faces now, well not for another 2 years at least, when we'll go through all this crap again. Oh great fucking joy!
There you have it, one cynical and jaded fans view of England at an international tournament. Maybe next time they'll prove me wrong and football will really come home, but I ain't getting my hopes built up anymore!
Well Euro 2012 ended up in a depressingly familiar way for us England fans, we were subjected to another competition exit by the losing of a penalty shoot-out. 7 penalty shoot-outs lost out of 8 we've taken part in. Something tells me that we're shit at taking penalties under pressure.
So what do we do now? Well it's as you were, we move on, we regroup and we prepare ourselves for the next inevitable quarter-final exit.
And this is how things will go:
1. Qualification. Yaaaaaaaaayyy!! We've qualified for another European Championship/World Cup. This time it's gonna be ours. This time football is coming home!
2. Naming the squad. What?? Why?? How the fuck did he get in, he's shit? Why isn't he in the squad, he's been the leagues best player? Every time the England squad is named nearly every one of us turns into a professional manager, 'cause we know best ya know! The current boss doesn't stand a chance.
3. All radio channels overplay every single football and football related song they can think of, just to get us in the mood! Because if we don't listen to John Barnes rapping at least 10 times a day then we're not going to appreciate the tournament we're in.
4. Facebook and other social media sites get spammed with people screaming "believe" at each other. Believe and we can do it, believe and this group of lead-footed players will magically turn into Barcelona overnight, believe and we'll not only win this tournament but bring about world peace and also galactic peace. Belief is all we need ya know!
Gonna have to pause the list here a moment while I vent. If someone says to me "believe" again, I'm gonna burp in their face, preferably after eating garlic all day. If belief was all we needed then we would have qualified and won every competition ever. But it's not and we haven't! Talent and ability win the big shiny things, not a group of pissed up people with Union Jack's tattooed onto every conceivable body part.
Vent over!
5. The pre-tournament friendlies. We scrape to a few 1-0 wins over nations who'd struggle to play in a pub league. But hey a win's a win no matter how well you play, besides the players have to get used to playing with each other. You've gotta beli... *slap*
6. It's time for the opening game, the beer is bought, the crisps and other snacks are ready and waiting. We all strive to sing the national anthem, without knowing a fucking word of it. We play shit and sneak our way to a lucky result, usually a draw. But c'mon, that's the hardest game in the group over with, and they had 12 men to our 11 'cause the ref was clearly on their side. Despite the ref sending off 2 of their players and denying them 20 clear cut penalty claims. We never won so the ref was dodgy!
7. Rinse and repeat point 6, just change the excuses for the performance, "they were the host nation", "they've always been our bogey side". Argue and get upset on Facebook, threaten to delete people because they dare to be critical. Being critical makes them shit fans and not fit to be called English.
8. Somehow qualify from the group, find out that Germany could be faced at some point before reaching the final. Worry.
9. We reach the quarter-finals, even the most pessimistic start to feel a slight touch of excitement. Extra time and penalties are a very real possibility and the tabloid newspapers mention this on the back page every day until the game. And the game is underway, the streets of England are eerily silent, even the chavs have stopped threatening people for a few hours. Well wouldn't you know it, after 2 hours of biting your nails all the way down it's penalties. AGAIN! Which England players will miss and get to star in Pizza Hut adverts for a few years? England lose on penalties! It's the old, old story yet again!
10. Oh well hard luck lads, you played your hearts out and gave your all. Never mind that thanks to the footballing powers that be we were technically inferior to our opposition and didn't actually deserve to be anything more than a team just making up the required numbers for the competition. There is one silver lining, no one is screaming "believe" in each others faces now, well not for another 2 years at least, when we'll go through all this crap again. Oh great fucking joy!
There you have it, one cynical and jaded fans view of England at an international tournament. Maybe next time they'll prove me wrong and football will really come home, but I ain't getting my hopes built up anymore!
Friday 22 June 2012
10 things to remember for a night on the booze
The following helpful list is brought to you by fond memories of staggering home at 4am, not being able to figure out the use of a door-key and thus having to make the doorstep your bed for the night.
The following tips aren't in any particular order of importance, just how they came to me.*
10
Always keep track of your friends. It's just possible, when you've sunk quite a few drinks and the alcohol is saying hello to your brain, that you might mistakenly carry on a conversation with a chair or other inanimate object, mistakenly believing it to be your friend. This generally happens when you turn away for just a moment and the friend you were conversing with goes to the bar without informing you. So always watch your friends, it can save you from years of embarrassment and piss-taking.
9
When partaking in the buying of rounds, always make sure that you have the cheapest drinks when you're buying and the most expensive when your friends get out their wallets. While this may make you out to be a cheapskate, just remember you have hours of drinking to get through therefore your money needs to last.
8
That dodgy kebab shop that stays open until 3am is dodgy for a very good reason. Just because you've drunk enough booze to fill the Pacific ocean twice over doesn't mean you are now a super being who is immune to food poisoning. Stay safe, avoid kebabs made with unknown meats and pizzas that have been chucked in an incinerator. There's always bread at home, you can have toast.
7
Alcohol does NOT improve your ability to dance. If you dance like a twat with 2 left feet when you're sober, then chances are excellent that you'll dance like a drunk twat with 2 left feet when you're lashed. Spare your blushes, and possible appearances on YouTube and don't dance at all.
6
Similar to the above point, alcohol does NOT improve your ability to sing. If you sound like a cat being strangled with cheese-wire and having its tail pulled at the same time, then trust me when you're drunk you'll sound 10 times worse and the police may be called to see who's being murdered in the pub. So when the karaoke comes out resist that temptation to jump up and pretend you're a rock star.
5
Beware of beer goggles. This should be really obvious, but sadly even to this very day many people still ignore this advice. You can always be assured that on a night out at least one person will succumb to the power of beer goggles and consequently see someone of the opposite sex as more attractive than they actually are. This then leads to a night of sex (always a good thing), followed by horror and recrimination in the morning as you realise who's home you went back to. The only thing to do then is follow the time-honoured tradition and escape through a kitchen window. So remember, alcohol alters the reality of your perceptions.
4
As a counterpoint to the above point, always hope someone has beer goggles. If you look like me and have a face that could give Freddy Krueger some seriously fucked up nightmares, then beer goggles are your friend. They are quite possibly one of the few chances you have of getting laid. And if you take somebody to bed at night and wake up alone in the morning you've always got the comforting thought that at least you had sex. So live in hope my fellow freaks.
3
Alcohol does NOT make you a charmer. Just because you're drunk and feeling very eloquent, doesn't mean that your favourite cheesy and shit chat-up lines are suddenly going to work. You may think you're acting all smooth and sexy, but in reality you're just acting like a pervy twat, probably drooling all over and smelling of spilt beer. To save yourself getting a slap, borrow some deodorant, have yourself a wash and buy the object of your affection a drink. That way if you do get knocked back at least it'll be polite and relatively pain-free.
2
Drunk ramblings do NOT impress strangers. When you're drunk you have a tendency to believe that random strangers in a pub both want and need to hear your opinions on every fucking subject you can think of. Since you're drunk, music and politics seem to be the only subjects you can think of to inflict on unsuspecting strangers. And you do so, in excruciating detail, until the poor bastards are so bored and/or traumatised by you that some friendly person has to jump to their rescue. If you do want to vent your opinions, vent at the barman, he's getting paid to be in your presense.
1
No complaining. You've had a great night out, had lots of laughs and drunk various and undoubtedly weird drinks. You've managed to get yourself home and into bed safely, where you can fall unconscious for a few hours. In the morning you'll wake up and feel like a whole troupe of people wearing steel toe capped boots have stopped by in the middle of the night and used your head as an impromptu dance floor. This is your hangover. You may feel the need to cry and whinge all day, but you shouldn't. Why? Because you've paid good money to create this hangover. You know the consequences of having a good night out, yet you willingly go ahead anyhow, therefore you deal with your misery in a dignified way and not complain. The saying "I'm never drinking again!!!" is exempt from this as it is not technically a complaint, it's more a long-standing weekend tradition uttered by almost every person in the drinking world.
*This is a lighthearted, humorous post and should be read as such. Under no circumstances should you harbour any desires to hunt me down and have me killed for any offence you may take from reading this!
The following tips aren't in any particular order of importance, just how they came to me.*
10
Always keep track of your friends. It's just possible, when you've sunk quite a few drinks and the alcohol is saying hello to your brain, that you might mistakenly carry on a conversation with a chair or other inanimate object, mistakenly believing it to be your friend. This generally happens when you turn away for just a moment and the friend you were conversing with goes to the bar without informing you. So always watch your friends, it can save you from years of embarrassment and piss-taking.
9
When partaking in the buying of rounds, always make sure that you have the cheapest drinks when you're buying and the most expensive when your friends get out their wallets. While this may make you out to be a cheapskate, just remember you have hours of drinking to get through therefore your money needs to last.
8
That dodgy kebab shop that stays open until 3am is dodgy for a very good reason. Just because you've drunk enough booze to fill the Pacific ocean twice over doesn't mean you are now a super being who is immune to food poisoning. Stay safe, avoid kebabs made with unknown meats and pizzas that have been chucked in an incinerator. There's always bread at home, you can have toast.
7
Alcohol does NOT improve your ability to dance. If you dance like a twat with 2 left feet when you're sober, then chances are excellent that you'll dance like a drunk twat with 2 left feet when you're lashed. Spare your blushes, and possible appearances on YouTube and don't dance at all.
6
Similar to the above point, alcohol does NOT improve your ability to sing. If you sound like a cat being strangled with cheese-wire and having its tail pulled at the same time, then trust me when you're drunk you'll sound 10 times worse and the police may be called to see who's being murdered in the pub. So when the karaoke comes out resist that temptation to jump up and pretend you're a rock star.
5
Beware of beer goggles. This should be really obvious, but sadly even to this very day many people still ignore this advice. You can always be assured that on a night out at least one person will succumb to the power of beer goggles and consequently see someone of the opposite sex as more attractive than they actually are. This then leads to a night of sex (always a good thing), followed by horror and recrimination in the morning as you realise who's home you went back to. The only thing to do then is follow the time-honoured tradition and escape through a kitchen window. So remember, alcohol alters the reality of your perceptions.
4
As a counterpoint to the above point, always hope someone has beer goggles. If you look like me and have a face that could give Freddy Krueger some seriously fucked up nightmares, then beer goggles are your friend. They are quite possibly one of the few chances you have of getting laid. And if you take somebody to bed at night and wake up alone in the morning you've always got the comforting thought that at least you had sex. So live in hope my fellow freaks.
3
Alcohol does NOT make you a charmer. Just because you're drunk and feeling very eloquent, doesn't mean that your favourite cheesy and shit chat-up lines are suddenly going to work. You may think you're acting all smooth and sexy, but in reality you're just acting like a pervy twat, probably drooling all over and smelling of spilt beer. To save yourself getting a slap, borrow some deodorant, have yourself a wash and buy the object of your affection a drink. That way if you do get knocked back at least it'll be polite and relatively pain-free.
2
Drunk ramblings do NOT impress strangers. When you're drunk you have a tendency to believe that random strangers in a pub both want and need to hear your opinions on every fucking subject you can think of. Since you're drunk, music and politics seem to be the only subjects you can think of to inflict on unsuspecting strangers. And you do so, in excruciating detail, until the poor bastards are so bored and/or traumatised by you that some friendly person has to jump to their rescue. If you do want to vent your opinions, vent at the barman, he's getting paid to be in your presense.
1
No complaining. You've had a great night out, had lots of laughs and drunk various and undoubtedly weird drinks. You've managed to get yourself home and into bed safely, where you can fall unconscious for a few hours. In the morning you'll wake up and feel like a whole troupe of people wearing steel toe capped boots have stopped by in the middle of the night and used your head as an impromptu dance floor. This is your hangover. You may feel the need to cry and whinge all day, but you shouldn't. Why? Because you've paid good money to create this hangover. You know the consequences of having a good night out, yet you willingly go ahead anyhow, therefore you deal with your misery in a dignified way and not complain. The saying "I'm never drinking again!!!" is exempt from this as it is not technically a complaint, it's more a long-standing weekend tradition uttered by almost every person in the drinking world.
*This is a lighthearted, humorous post and should be read as such. Under no circumstances should you harbour any desires to hunt me down and have me killed for any offence you may take from reading this!
Thursday 21 June 2012
TV theme music FTW
It's raining today, so I'm bored and can't really go out (not that I was planning to go out anyways, but still). So rather than doing something productive like changing the bedding or vacuuming the dog, I'm just gonna sit in front of YouTube all day.
While I'm on YouTube I thought why not look for theme music for some of my favourite TV shows. And after doing that I thought why not make a blog post about my top 10.
Since I can't resist the allure of inflicting nostalgic memories on people, here we go with my top 10 intro themes from shows I loved when growing up.
At number 10 we have Knight Rider, a show about The Hoff and a talking car. The premise was cool and to a young lad the show was cool ('cause every growing boy loves a talking car that can do everything apart from your chores), and the intro theme music was just, well, cool.
While I'm on YouTube I thought why not look for theme music for some of my favourite TV shows. And after doing that I thought why not make a blog post about my top 10.
Since I can't resist the allure of inflicting nostalgic memories on people, here we go with my top 10 intro themes from shows I loved when growing up.
At number 10 we have Knight Rider, a show about The Hoff and a talking car. The premise was cool and to a young lad the show was cool ('cause every growing boy loves a talking car that can do everything apart from your chores), and the intro theme music was just, well, cool.
In at number 9 we have Streethawk. A classic TV show about a bike that could travel at warp speed! Without the guy riding it ever falling off!! How fucking awesome is that? And the theme music was pretty damn great as well, it got into your head and you'd find yourself humming it as you wandered to school and back.
Star Trek: The Next Generation makes it in at number 8. Could I really call myself a geek if I didn't like some Star Trek? With this version gone was the cheesiness of the 60's original and in came 80's cheese and good moral values. And the theme music is still the best Star Trek theme music ever!
Number 7, but could so easily have been number 1 on a different day is the brilliant Airwolf. Pure helicopter awesomeness! The first 3 seasons with Jan Michael Vincent are the best, the 4th season had some guy named Barry in the lead role, less said there the better. And the intro music is still some of the best music on a TV show ever.
Number 6 is the original Battlestar Galactica. Without a doubt the revamped version is probably the better show, but the original version beats it hands down for it's opening music. It's epic in every sense of the word, far better than the bullshit "music" they used for the new version.
Here we go with number 5, and a theme song so great I just had to have it for my iPod. It is of course The Littlest Hobo, a show about possibly the greatest dog in the history of dogs! Fuck you Lassie, you may be more famous, but you ain't half as cool as London!
Number 4. And you knew that this show would be somewhere on this list, because no list of TV show intro's would be complete without the A-Team around. As soon as those awesome opening credits start, you know you're in for a treat, and with Hannibal and his boys you get full satisfaction!
Entering in at number 3 on my list, another theme track that could have made number. It's the theme music for one of the great TV shows of all time, Quantum Leap. I remember my sister and I would watch this religiously, just to see what or who Dr Sam Beckett had become this week. If you've never seen Quantum Leap then you need to give yourself a slap and then get some serious TV time in!
In at number 2 now is the classic 80's show The Fall Guy. Lee Majors made being a stuntman look like the job every boy should aspire to, though our attempts to emulate him usually ended up with grazed knees, bruises and tears as we fell over fences and whatnot. As for the theme, well, I want this song, I am going to make it my life's mission to have this song! It's that cool!
NUMBER 1. The single greatest TV show of all time!!! It's Macgyver. The A-Team need power tools and a fully stocked warehouse to make their weapons, Michael Knight needs a talking car to help him out when he's in trouble. Macgyver needs no ones help whatsoever and give him a ball of string and a box of matches and he'll make a weapon the A-Team can only dream of! Macgyver is the man whom Chuck Norris worships as a living god. And the theme music is genius, I could sit here all day and listen and grin like a fucking idiot. I may possibly be getting a tad excited here, so I'm just going to head off to Amazon and see if I can purchase all 7 seasons of this TV work of art.
Well that's my list of great TV theme music and inserted YouTube clips. You may disagree if you like, but this is my blog, so blah!
Monday 18 June 2012
The eminently quotableness of the evil Mumm-Ra
I recently read a blog post containing quotes from one of the great cartoon villains of the 80's, this has inspired me to search out quotes from another of the great 80's cartoon villains. So I bring back to your memories the genius of the most evil, Mumm-Ra The Ever Living.
Now, Lion-O and his feline friends will be ready for trouble. And I, Mumm-Ra, will make sure they get it.
It is not the strength of arms that will win this battle. It's the strength of will!
By all the pharaohs, someone will pay for this!
Why, you miserable Mutant!
I'm most impressed, Vultureman. I had no idea you were so talented.
Not so fast, my feathered friend. We have some bargaining to do.
The Lord of the Thundercats trapped in a book! What better way for him to catch up on his reading?
Save me! Help me! Get me out of here!
Welcome to Ravage Island, Thunderslaves!
Forget it, Lion-O. Not even the Eye of Thundera can give you the willpower to break these prison bars. In fact, you may as well give me that toy.
There is nothing more tiring that organizing these wretched Mutants.
He has defeated all my devil forms, and soon he will penetrate my home. My fortress. The Black Pyramid itself. That is the moment he will face ... evil chuckle ... my full *fury*!
So it comes down to you and me. One on one. The power of my evil pitted against your feeble goodness.
Ding dong dell, kitten's in the well.
This thing must have the worst gas-mileage on New Thundera.
Your petty heroics will not save the lair, Lion-O! All I have to do is turn up the power.
Mummy overboard! Man the life rafts! Women and children first! My cloak! The colors will run! The bandages will shrink!
I might as well do some annoying while I'm here.
Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living is back on stage, Thundercats. My debut will be your final curtain.
Zaxx, in the body of Snarf? Oh, how terrifying.
Those you see are the only ones there at present. I thought you might give them a hand in giving their elders a warm welcome when they return. Assuming of course you are capable of crushing a couple of kittens.
The Thundercats have the foolish notion that all life is precious. Rest assured: they will come here, and we will profit from their... weakness.
And there we come to the end of the trip down of this particular memory lane.
Now, Lion-O and his feline friends will be ready for trouble. And I, Mumm-Ra, will make sure they get it.
It is not the strength of arms that will win this battle. It's the strength of will!
By all the pharaohs, someone will pay for this!
Why, you miserable Mutant!
I'm most impressed, Vultureman. I had no idea you were so talented.
Not so fast, my feathered friend. We have some bargaining to do.
The Lord of the Thundercats trapped in a book! What better way for him to catch up on his reading?
Save me! Help me! Get me out of here!
Welcome to Ravage Island, Thunderslaves!
Forget it, Lion-O. Not even the Eye of Thundera can give you the willpower to break these prison bars. In fact, you may as well give me that toy.
There is nothing more tiring that organizing these wretched Mutants.
He has defeated all my devil forms, and soon he will penetrate my home. My fortress. The Black Pyramid itself. That is the moment he will face ... evil chuckle ... my full *fury*!
So it comes down to you and me. One on one. The power of my evil pitted against your feeble goodness.
Ding dong dell, kitten's in the well.
This thing must have the worst gas-mileage on New Thundera.
Your petty heroics will not save the lair, Lion-O! All I have to do is turn up the power.
Mummy overboard! Man the life rafts! Women and children first! My cloak! The colors will run! The bandages will shrink!
I might as well do some annoying while I'm here.
Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living is back on stage, Thundercats. My debut will be your final curtain.
Zaxx, in the body of Snarf? Oh, how terrifying.
Those you see are the only ones there at present. I thought you might give them a hand in giving their elders a warm welcome when they return. Assuming of course you are capable of crushing a couple of kittens.
The Thundercats have the foolish notion that all life is precious. Rest assured: they will come here, and we will profit from their... weakness.
And there we come to the end of the trip down of this particular memory lane.
The rather small vampire happiness guide
Today I turn my attention to one of the most misunderstood minority groups currently living among us today (can I say living among us as they are not technically alive?) As the title of today's blog suggests I am looking at the vampire.
We all know their history as the most feared of all the supernatural beings, how they are vicious, evil killers with no sense of morality whatsoever and how they'd even steal a Barbie doll from a little girl just because they can. But for all they are undead monsters with a penchant for blood and a flair for the dramatic, vampire's are actually rather sweet, cuddly and lonely and just need a bit of loving to be able to function in modern society.
Due to my time watching TV and reading the odd book, I feel I can now offer my knowledgeable advice.
So to all you blood-suckers out there and freaks ... erm ... people with different views and aspirations, this is my definitive guide to leading full, productive and happy unlives.
Number one
Make friends outside of your community. Other supernatural creatures can be just as lonely as you and are not averse to making friends with someone of a differing view point. As the popular documentary series Being Human has shown us, it is perfectly acceptable for a vampire and a werewolf to be friends. The old traditions are dying and you are now in a more modern, enlightened world. Embrace other cultures and you will be amazed at what similarities you share with other groups. Remember, friendliness increases happiness.
Number two
Watch what you eat. As a vampire it's so easy to view the world as one big version of McDonalds, were all the food is free. But dining on particular people can lead to all sorts of avoidable consequences, such as antagonizing the crazy folk who view the pounding of sharpened wooden stakes through a heart as a great career choice. I suggest dining exclusively on chavs, no one would miss them and you'd be doing the world a huge favour. So be happy, feed on chavs, they are available on the menu's of most countries, usually under a variety of names.
Number three
Dress to impress. All the world knows of the suave and sophisticated vampires of years gone by, always sharply dressed, usually having a bow-tie and cape to give out a certain image. Those vampires knew the value of a good set of clothes and it's no surprise to learn they were mostly happy (even if they were a bit to stuck in their ways to follow points 1 and 2). Dressing smart and looking after your appearance improves confidence and makes others see you in a more favourable light. Try and avoid the temptation to glitter if you can. While this current trend could enable you to gather a collection of groupies, there is the very real possibility that you won't be taken seriously ever again. You may even become the subject of ridicule and scorn from those who are meant to fear you and that my sharp-toothed friends is most definitely not conductive to happiness.
Number four
Have new and fun experiences. Just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you have to be constantly on the lookout for the next neck to bite. Have some fun with your undead existence, walk through a maze of mirrors without being freaked out or confused, take up moonbathing as a way to relax from the stresses of the night (it may not be as popular as sunbathing, but it's also far less messier, no greasy suncream to smear all over yourself), you could even surf the net for vampire porn, I'm pretty sure it's out there, if not then you can always make your own. Travel the world, barring unfortunate accidents (lunatics with wooden stakes, unfortunate garlic accidents), then you have virtually all eternity to see everything you've always wanted to. These are just a tiny few of the things you can do to improve your unlife and be a happy vampire.
Number five
Live in the community. These days living in a lonely castle in some out the way mountainous location is very clique. Apart from the superstitious local people who will take any opportunity to form a torch wielding lynch mob, remote castles are just not very practical for the modern, forward thinking vampire. There's no modern amenities to them, no TV so you can relax and watch Jeremy Kyle, no internet to search for kinky vampire porn there's not even an electric shower so you can wash off the excess blood that you couldn't quite catch at the time. No, castles should definitely not be on the list of real estate you look at. A plush apartment in a thriving city is the way to go, you have it all there, the comfort and convenience of all modern gadgetry, a ready supply of unmissable chavs and lots of fashionable clothing stores. There might even be (if you look hard enough), focus, support and even dating groups for all minority supernatural beings, where you can meet like minded monsters and develop the kind of relationships you want. So to be happy and free live in the big city, you won't make a better choice.
Well thank you all for reading, I hope some of the advice I've given can be useful to you.
We all know their history as the most feared of all the supernatural beings, how they are vicious, evil killers with no sense of morality whatsoever and how they'd even steal a Barbie doll from a little girl just because they can. But for all they are undead monsters with a penchant for blood and a flair for the dramatic, vampire's are actually rather sweet, cuddly and lonely and just need a bit of loving to be able to function in modern society.
Due to my time watching TV and reading the odd book, I feel I can now offer my knowledgeable advice.
So to all you blood-suckers out there and freaks ... erm ... people with different views and aspirations, this is my definitive guide to leading full, productive and happy unlives.
Number one
Make friends outside of your community. Other supernatural creatures can be just as lonely as you and are not averse to making friends with someone of a differing view point. As the popular documentary series Being Human has shown us, it is perfectly acceptable for a vampire and a werewolf to be friends. The old traditions are dying and you are now in a more modern, enlightened world. Embrace other cultures and you will be amazed at what similarities you share with other groups. Remember, friendliness increases happiness.
Number two
Watch what you eat. As a vampire it's so easy to view the world as one big version of McDonalds, were all the food is free. But dining on particular people can lead to all sorts of avoidable consequences, such as antagonizing the crazy folk who view the pounding of sharpened wooden stakes through a heart as a great career choice. I suggest dining exclusively on chavs, no one would miss them and you'd be doing the world a huge favour. So be happy, feed on chavs, they are available on the menu's of most countries, usually under a variety of names.
Number three
Dress to impress. All the world knows of the suave and sophisticated vampires of years gone by, always sharply dressed, usually having a bow-tie and cape to give out a certain image. Those vampires knew the value of a good set of clothes and it's no surprise to learn they were mostly happy (even if they were a bit to stuck in their ways to follow points 1 and 2). Dressing smart and looking after your appearance improves confidence and makes others see you in a more favourable light. Try and avoid the temptation to glitter if you can. While this current trend could enable you to gather a collection of groupies, there is the very real possibility that you won't be taken seriously ever again. You may even become the subject of ridicule and scorn from those who are meant to fear you and that my sharp-toothed friends is most definitely not conductive to happiness.
Number four
Have new and fun experiences. Just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you have to be constantly on the lookout for the next neck to bite. Have some fun with your undead existence, walk through a maze of mirrors without being freaked out or confused, take up moonbathing as a way to relax from the stresses of the night (it may not be as popular as sunbathing, but it's also far less messier, no greasy suncream to smear all over yourself), you could even surf the net for vampire porn, I'm pretty sure it's out there, if not then you can always make your own. Travel the world, barring unfortunate accidents (lunatics with wooden stakes, unfortunate garlic accidents), then you have virtually all eternity to see everything you've always wanted to. These are just a tiny few of the things you can do to improve your unlife and be a happy vampire.
Number five
Live in the community. These days living in a lonely castle in some out the way mountainous location is very clique. Apart from the superstitious local people who will take any opportunity to form a torch wielding lynch mob, remote castles are just not very practical for the modern, forward thinking vampire. There's no modern amenities to them, no TV so you can relax and watch Jeremy Kyle, no internet to search for kinky vampire porn there's not even an electric shower so you can wash off the excess blood that you couldn't quite catch at the time. No, castles should definitely not be on the list of real estate you look at. A plush apartment in a thriving city is the way to go, you have it all there, the comfort and convenience of all modern gadgetry, a ready supply of unmissable chavs and lots of fashionable clothing stores. There might even be (if you look hard enough), focus, support and even dating groups for all minority supernatural beings, where you can meet like minded monsters and develop the kind of relationships you want. So to be happy and free live in the big city, you won't make a better choice.
Well thank you all for reading, I hope some of the advice I've given can be useful to you.
Friday 15 June 2012
Zombie Apocalypse: the survival guide
With a zombie invasion imminent ... hey I'm sure it'll happen at some point, Nostradamus predicted it, unless I've imagined that part!
But anyways, when the walking dead rise up and shamble and lurch their way to world domination, it's gonna be a case of survival of the fittest for us mere humans. Darwinism at its most extreme. So after painstaking and devoted research (I trawled a couple of websites), I've come up with a few of my own pointers for getting through this hell alive.
I'm sure if you follow all the following points you'll be safe and well (or you'll become a combination of breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you won't be able to complain at me then, will you?)
So here goes:
THE SEVEN POINT SURVIVAL GUIDE
(1) You are not Bruce Campbell! Even though Bruce Campbell will likely become our leader and be almost a god to us in the testing times ahead, emulating him will be dangerous and could result in loss of limbs or life. Staying in his shadow however is a reasoned and intelligent action.
(2) Running shoes! I can't stress enough just how important a good pair of running shoes can be. How often have you watched a George Romero movie and wondered just how inappropriate the footwear on view is? I mean would you really want to flee a horde of drooling killers in a pair of high heel slingbacks, or the sensible shoes you wear for work? Thought not! Forget fashion, invest in your survival!
(3) Exercise! Getting fit now will help you in the long run. So lift those weights, swim those laps, pound that treadmill and get your stretches done, because if you're the slowest or weakest in your group ... well then you're the days sacrifice.
(4) Weapons! Every survivor needs to be armed, it'll be bloody difficult to get around if you're not. By all means carry a few guns around if you must, but they should be a last resort, think about it these are zombies, they're already dead, bullets aren't going to do anything more than annoy them. What you need is something you can swing and has a fair bit of reach, you need to stay clear of grasping arms. I suggest a chainsaw on a long piece of rope, using this method you can effectively hold off a horde of zombies until Bruce Campbell can pull off a heroic rescue mission. A little tip here, when using the chainsaw on a rope always aim for the legs. If you chop its legs off it can't come pursuing you can it?
(5) Withstanding pain! Lets face it, you're probably not going to survive all this without suffering at least one painful injury. Preparation is the key here, while you still have the luxury of time get some pain exercises in. Go and lie on a bed of nails, spend a few hours with a teething puppy and fall off a few walls, anything to build up that pain threshold. Have someone kick you repeatedly between the legs (this does not apply to women and eunuchs). Oh and get a few paper-cuts, there's no injury quite as bad as a fresh paper-cut! All of those sound bad, but you'll be glad you've subjected yourself to them when you're getting chomped on by a pair of muddy gnashers!
(6) Shelter! Possibly one of the most important things about surviving the zombie plague is having a safe, defensible shelter. You need somewhere to sleep at night, store all your belongings and survival gear, recover from wounds suffered and where you can make all your necessary plans. A good, sturdy house can be a life saver. Be careful when selecting your future home though, log cabins in the woods, terraced houses with connecting attics and houses built on old graveyards should not be considered as viable options (the last one is particularly bad, you don't want to contend with old Indian curses and spirits as well as blood-thirsty zombies). A good stone built semi-detached is probably the best, not one of the newer pre-fabricated houses though. Make sure all the downstairs windows and doors are properly boarded up, with real, solid wood, not the cheap MDF stuff that's readily available in shops. Always have a point of escape, if you're escape route is through an upstairs window make sure you have something soft to cushion your landing, if you break your ankles when jumping then you're not doing much escaping. And finally have a generator, you'll need one to power the fridge and keep your beer cold on those long lonely nights with no TV.
(7) Always have a plan! You can't just go wandering aimlessly round a zombie infested world, you need to know what you're doing each and every day. Whether that's hunting for food, checking for survivor's, taking the war back to the undead or even just trying to be normal in an abnormal world, all those will require meticulous planning to maximize safety and minimize risk. When things go wrong always have a back-up plan, be creative in what you can use for a weapon, don't give in to sentiment, use your slower and weaker friends as effective zombie bait. Keeping a good supply of notebooks in your home is a must, if you leave the house in the morning with a well thought out, well written out plan, then you're more likely to return safely at night.
So there we go, that concludes the seven points to surviving during a zombie apocalypse.
Disclaimer: The above points are a guideline only. The author accepts no responsibility whatsoever for you becoming the zombie equivalent of a bacon sandwich.
But anyways, when the walking dead rise up and shamble and lurch their way to world domination, it's gonna be a case of survival of the fittest for us mere humans. Darwinism at its most extreme. So after painstaking and devoted research (I trawled a couple of websites), I've come up with a few of my own pointers for getting through this hell alive.
I'm sure if you follow all the following points you'll be safe and well (or you'll become a combination of breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you won't be able to complain at me then, will you?)
So here goes:
THE SEVEN POINT SURVIVAL GUIDE
(1) You are not Bruce Campbell! Even though Bruce Campbell will likely become our leader and be almost a god to us in the testing times ahead, emulating him will be dangerous and could result in loss of limbs or life. Staying in his shadow however is a reasoned and intelligent action.
(2) Running shoes! I can't stress enough just how important a good pair of running shoes can be. How often have you watched a George Romero movie and wondered just how inappropriate the footwear on view is? I mean would you really want to flee a horde of drooling killers in a pair of high heel slingbacks, or the sensible shoes you wear for work? Thought not! Forget fashion, invest in your survival!
(3) Exercise! Getting fit now will help you in the long run. So lift those weights, swim those laps, pound that treadmill and get your stretches done, because if you're the slowest or weakest in your group ... well then you're the days sacrifice.
(4) Weapons! Every survivor needs to be armed, it'll be bloody difficult to get around if you're not. By all means carry a few guns around if you must, but they should be a last resort, think about it these are zombies, they're already dead, bullets aren't going to do anything more than annoy them. What you need is something you can swing and has a fair bit of reach, you need to stay clear of grasping arms. I suggest a chainsaw on a long piece of rope, using this method you can effectively hold off a horde of zombies until Bruce Campbell can pull off a heroic rescue mission. A little tip here, when using the chainsaw on a rope always aim for the legs. If you chop its legs off it can't come pursuing you can it?
(5) Withstanding pain! Lets face it, you're probably not going to survive all this without suffering at least one painful injury. Preparation is the key here, while you still have the luxury of time get some pain exercises in. Go and lie on a bed of nails, spend a few hours with a teething puppy and fall off a few walls, anything to build up that pain threshold. Have someone kick you repeatedly between the legs (this does not apply to women and eunuchs). Oh and get a few paper-cuts, there's no injury quite as bad as a fresh paper-cut! All of those sound bad, but you'll be glad you've subjected yourself to them when you're getting chomped on by a pair of muddy gnashers!
(6) Shelter! Possibly one of the most important things about surviving the zombie plague is having a safe, defensible shelter. You need somewhere to sleep at night, store all your belongings and survival gear, recover from wounds suffered and where you can make all your necessary plans. A good, sturdy house can be a life saver. Be careful when selecting your future home though, log cabins in the woods, terraced houses with connecting attics and houses built on old graveyards should not be considered as viable options (the last one is particularly bad, you don't want to contend with old Indian curses and spirits as well as blood-thirsty zombies). A good stone built semi-detached is probably the best, not one of the newer pre-fabricated houses though. Make sure all the downstairs windows and doors are properly boarded up, with real, solid wood, not the cheap MDF stuff that's readily available in shops. Always have a point of escape, if you're escape route is through an upstairs window make sure you have something soft to cushion your landing, if you break your ankles when jumping then you're not doing much escaping. And finally have a generator, you'll need one to power the fridge and keep your beer cold on those long lonely nights with no TV.
(7) Always have a plan! You can't just go wandering aimlessly round a zombie infested world, you need to know what you're doing each and every day. Whether that's hunting for food, checking for survivor's, taking the war back to the undead or even just trying to be normal in an abnormal world, all those will require meticulous planning to maximize safety and minimize risk. When things go wrong always have a back-up plan, be creative in what you can use for a weapon, don't give in to sentiment, use your slower and weaker friends as effective zombie bait. Keeping a good supply of notebooks in your home is a must, if you leave the house in the morning with a well thought out, well written out plan, then you're more likely to return safely at night.
So there we go, that concludes the seven points to surviving during a zombie apocalypse.
Disclaimer: The above points are a guideline only. The author accepts no responsibility whatsoever for you becoming the zombie equivalent of a bacon sandwich.
Thursday 14 June 2012
In bourbon dreams.
I'm pretty shit at poetry, but as I'm wasting a bit of money on some alcoholic beverages I might as well make the attempt while I'm still without inhibitions!!
So here we go:
AN ODE TO BOOZE
As I sit me down to drink,
I take the time to have a think,
These thoughts are mine,
Just watered by wine,
So listen here,
As I ramble about beer.
Lager, cider, bitter or stout,
I'll drink the lot and stagger about,
Give me vodka and I'll be happy,
But on the gin I do get sappy,
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder,
While brandy brings the mind to ponder.
I love the bourbon that I do,
But in a pinch amaretto will do,
Out on the town it's all about shots,
Jaeger and sambuca hit all the right spots,
Whisky I can drink just barely,
Alcopops are bought quite rarely.
Bailey's is just a bit too sweet,
Bacardi and rum knock me off my feet,
Vermouth is a great drink to start,
But I'll carry cointreau in my heart,
Before I pour another glass,
I'll leave you with this touch of class
Pay heed to this rhyme it'll serve as a warning,
And give you all the excuses you need in the morning.
1 tequila
2 tequila
3 tequila
Floor!
So here we go:
AN ODE TO BOOZE
As I sit me down to drink,
I take the time to have a think,
These thoughts are mine,
Just watered by wine,
So listen here,
As I ramble about beer.
Lager, cider, bitter or stout,
I'll drink the lot and stagger about,
Give me vodka and I'll be happy,
But on the gin I do get sappy,
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder,
While brandy brings the mind to ponder.
I love the bourbon that I do,
But in a pinch amaretto will do,
Out on the town it's all about shots,
Jaeger and sambuca hit all the right spots,
Whisky I can drink just barely,
Alcopops are bought quite rarely.
Bailey's is just a bit too sweet,
Bacardi and rum knock me off my feet,
Vermouth is a great drink to start,
But I'll carry cointreau in my heart,
Before I pour another glass,
I'll leave you with this touch of class
Pay heed to this rhyme it'll serve as a warning,
And give you all the excuses you need in the morning.
1 tequila
2 tequila
3 tequila
Floor!
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