Fantastical jobs.

Fresh from discovering some of the oddest and more dangerous jobs in the real world, I've turned to the worlds of fantasy to see what job opportunities might be lurking there.

Now as you may or may not know my mind is constantly dwelling in some fantasy land or other (it's certainly preferable than thinking about Bacup on a daily basis) and populating that land with characters of my own creation. To any famous fantasy authors who may somehow come across this blog, no I'm not writing fanfiction in your world, so please don't hunt me down and kill me in some horribly brutal manner!!

Ahem!

Anyhow, back on to the silly, unbelievable topic at hand.

Now obviously in Middle Earth, Midkemia, Westeros and other such places they don't have job adverts in the classified sections of newspapers. In fact they don't even have newspapers! I've always found that to be a bit regressive to be honest...

So how do they find work then? Well I don't bloody know the answer to that! I do know that they all work though, they're not lazy, dole-dossing scum like the natives here!

Since most fantasy worlds are based upon the Medieval world then it stands to reason that they're not going to have very technical jobs, or technology based workplaces. So no theme parks, Lego sculptures or train pushing will be found here.

So you must be asking yourself, what do they do for employment? Well you're probably not asking that at all, but it does my ego good to think you might be!

So I've used my vast knowledge and come up with three careers that might be available to the common, generic fantasy character and two positions of importance that should be seized if opportunity presents.

Now remember people, this is just for fun, no getting bent out of shape over it!

So here we go:

Dragon slayer

Now as everyone knows, dragon's are a bit of plague to most fantasy lands, constantly stealing gold, kidnapping virgins and killing lots of people without much warning. They're a bit of a nuisance really. So what's needed is someone who can take care of these pests on peaceful life, preferably someone who likes to wear lots of metal and is relatively skilled in the art of sword hacking. What can I say? This is a job with an excellent benefits package; fame, fortune, people everywhere wanting to have sex with you. Interested? There's not much of a retirement package to go with the job, but really is that important?

Pros: You have job security for life.

Cons: You're more than likely going to die on the job.

Adventurer

If wandering strange lands, exploring old ruins, fighting all manner of nasty beasties and finding lots of useful treasures interests you, you may want to consider a profitable career as an adventurer. Now this is a self employed position so a knowledge of taxes and accountancy could come in handy. If you're a bit fussy about wearing the latest fashions and always looking like you've just come out of the salon, then don't apply. This is a job that requires you to travel far from civilisation, be almost constantly dirty and have almost no access to local gossip at all. If that last hasn't put you off, then sign up now and have an interesting life.

Pros: Lots of job satisfaction and no deadlines to meet.

Cons: You have no fixed abode and beds in inns are usually full of bed bugs.

Bard

If you wish for a career with less danger and opportunities for dying and more luxurious surroundings, then maybe the position of bard would suit you. Whether it be a travelling bard witnessing great events and singing for your supper at the finest inns in the world or a court bard, entertaining kings and queens and having your wicked way with all the court servants, a job as a bard is fun filled and rewarding. Obviously and ear for music and a talent with instruments is quite important, so if you consider One Direction as the pinnacle of music then please don't apply.

Pros: Easy life, free room and board.

Cons: You'll never really be taken seriously.

Dark Lord

Now this is one of the most important jobs in fantasyland. Every hero needs an adversary to struggle against, how's he going to make his name otherwise? Quite understandably the position of dark lord is one that doesn't become available very often, in fact job openings are once every few hundred years or so. So if interested you have to get your application in extremely quickly once the previous occupant of the role has been horribly killed. The job role is to take over the world and crush all hope underfoot whilst cancelling public holidays. References are definitely needed for this role as the minions under your control will expect someone with experience. Despite reports to the contrary, an evil laugh is not a job requirement.

Pros: Vast armies at your control, everyone is afraid you'll come for them.

Cons: There's always some bright spark plotting your ultimate demise.

The Chosen One

Like the above role of dark lord, the role of chosen one is a rare one to come available, when it does it usually suits those from working class backgrounds who have uncertain parentage. The job requires no experience whatsoever as free on the job training will be provided by a grumpy yet mysterious teacher. It's an extremely fulfilling role and carries with it the gratitude of all non-evil people in the world. Sold on it yet? There's also the promise of fame, fortune, marriage offers and the possibility of becoming a king, or even a god. Of course like every job, getting started is a bit difficult, what with evil and insidious people and nasty beasties trying to kill you, but with the right work mates those teething problems of the job shouldn't be too much of a problem. And hey, what's a little struggle if you get to save the world and have everyone bow down to you?

Pros: Everyone's going to know your name, forever!

Cons: The Dark Lord wants to kill you in a horrible manner and use your ruined corpse as a reminder to the common people he wants to conquer.

There we go. Here's hoping that you found the above list informative (don't laugh), or at least it kept you amused for the few minutes it took to read through it.

Goodbye for now.....

Step away from the idiot box!

TV is shit!

Hundreds of channels on the idiot box and how many of them show programmes that are actually worth paying even the slightest bit of interest to? Not bloody many!

Don't get me wrong, there are some interesting and innovative shows on TV, shows that are a delight to watch, but they'll rarely be seen and thus soon cancelled. Unless it's a dreary soap opera, a reality show featuring the dregs of society or a talent show were looks are far more important than any actual talent. Those you know will be pushed by TV executives to all the willing sheep who sit with the remote glued to their hand and the phone next to them, ready to ring each other up and discuss why Ken took a 15 year old Escort to Kevin's garage!

Since none of those who believe Coronation Street is real will ever read this blog, I think I can safely say that the last sentence of the above paragraph will never be appreciated!

Why exactly are soaps and the like so popular? I mean why would you want to live vicariously through a fictional council estate resident when you already fucking live on a council estate? Are your lives really that dull that you can only get enjoyment from watching people pretending to be like you are? Fucking mind boggling!

I realise I'm possibly being slightly offensive here, but watching people get brain washed by crap (those who have brains) is quite depressing. Does anyone have the patience to read books these days? Does anyone have the desire to leave the house and actually visit somewhere new? Or is everyone more concerned about who's shagging who in Eastenders?

It's no wonder we can't have intelligent protests about important issues anymore, we're all too busy wondering who'll win in the national soap awards! A pointless exercise in TV rewarding pointless exercises in TV!

And what the fuck is the deal with "reality TV"? Seriously is watching people eat, drink, sleep and talk like morons that interesting that it deserves to have 10 years (so far) of TV devoted to it? I mean Big Brother, a pointless show making pointless celebrities for fuck knows how many years and The only way is Essex, a collection of the dumbest people known to man! I'm feeling brain cells die just typing this paragraph!

I'm ranting now and enjoying it!

Talent shows? Are they actually anything more than a chance to put a smug, arrogant bastard like Simon Cowell on TV so he can sneer at people and occasionally have eggs thrown at him? Is there any talent that succeeds on the X-Factor? On Bee Gee Tee? Isn't it odd how all those who win such shows generally look like walking cosmetic surgery adverts? Talent is a long forgotten thing these days.

I'm going to finish up now with a few points:

1. Soap Opera's are not real. Who's shagging who, who killed who and who is the daddy of the baby are all things that are decided upon by writers and producers. They are fake!
2. Reality TV shows are nothing more than an attempt to try and cause controversy on national TV. The producers of such shows just want an excuse to try and provoke violence and sex.
3. Talent shows are fixed. It doesn't matter if you have perfect pitch and tone, it doesn't matter if you can stir up intense emotions in people just by your singing. If you look like you've been repeatedly battered with a shovel then you're not getting on TV to show your abilities. People are shallow and only looks sell.

Right I've had my rant, people might not like what I've said, but I too am allowed my opinion!

TV is dead, R.I.P. TV!

And you thought your job was bad.....

So in my ongoing quest to find the perfect career to work up to retirement age in I've taken to looking a bit further than the usual factory, shop and telesales jobs that dominate the careers section of the classified pages!

I have found some interesting ones.....

.....by interesting I mean weird, disgusting and sometimes dangerous!

Still if the pay is good.....

Here are 15 of the worlds weirdest and wackiest jobs.

I may just have to send out my CV.....

1. Theme park mascot

Sounds like a great job doesn't it? Dress up as Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck or even a bloody teletubby and walk around a theme park all day long. But would it really be all that good? I mean you're stuck inside a rubber suit so you're going to sweat buckets, especially on scorching hot days. You can't go on any of the rides, which is a bummer if you're a rollercoaster junkie. Regardless of whether you're having a bad day or not, you have to be excessively cheerful. I wonder if it has a good pension scheme? Hmm.....

Pros: It's easy money and easy work.

Cons: Harassment by hordes of sugar fuelled kids, unable to slap them all away.

2. Train pusher

Are you naturally aggressive? Do you like to push people around? I'm none of those, being a happy, peace filled soul, but even I'm enthralled at this job! From what I've read of it, it sounds a bit like playing Tetris with humans. Basically what it is, Japan's subways get crowded, the bright sparks in charge of the subway system employ people to decrowd the subway. They do this by pushing as many people on to trains as is possible to fit, like packing sardines in a can. So it's not actually pushing trains, which would be quite silly!

Pros: You can work off pent up energy, get immense job satisfaction.

Cons: You may not be popular with people, you might get punched a lot.

3. Professional sleeper

This could be a dream job. Literally. Like most other people I like my bed and there are some mornings when I really don't want to climb out from under those covers. So why not be a professional sleeper? Sure you get tested a lot while you sleep and maybe asked lots of odd questions about your dreams, but you're in bed, getting paid for being in bed, that's cool.

Pros: You can sleep on the job and get paid for it.

Cons: You still have to get out of bed at some point.

4. Hair boiler

Now I believe this has to be one of the worlds most highly sought after jobs, boiling animal hair in a vat until it curls. Sounds awesome doesn't it? But there's more, occasionally valves have to opened and closed, allowing water and steam to come in and out of the vat. It's the dream job! Have I sold it to anyone yet? I can't make it any more exciting...

Pros: You're earning money.

Cons: You'll bore people in the pub if you talk about your job.

5. Snake milker

Do you want an exciting job with a high element of danger? Do you want to help save the lives of countless unlucky people every year?  Well then snake milking is the way forward! If you can avoid slight misfortunes like death, then this job is highly rewarding. You work every day with venomous and deadly serpents, collecting the venom and sending it away to be turned in to the goodness of anti-venom. Definitely a great choice of career.

Pros: It's never a dull job.

Cons: Possibility of agonising death.

6. Vomit collector

Here's another theme park based job, only with this one you're not dressed up in a ridiculous, rubber cartoon character suit. Sounds like an improvement right? Well I guess it is if you consider cleaning up the remains of someone's dinner after it's been regurgitated to be interesting work. Still you can always brag that you work at a theme park, you don't have to mention that you clean up rollercoaster induced sick.

Pros: You're not going to be hassled by annoying kids.

Cons: You might get put off dinner, a lot.

7. Paint drying monitor

Ever thought to yourself that you'd rather watch paint dry than doing your current job? Well now you can! Interested? It's actually quite an important job you know, if not exactly excitingly stimulating. It does have some high points though, sometimes you have to go up and touch the paint to assess its tackiness. That's high drama right there! Some paints do dry quicker than others, by as much as.....

.....bloody hell, even writing a review about this job is boring enough to make me drift off!

Pros: It's not back breaking labour.

Cons: Yes, you really are watching paint dry.

8. Armpit sniffer

For all those out there with armpit and sniffing fetishes, here is the job for you. You get to fulfil your strange obsession and provide a valuable service to the community. Officially the job is titled Sniffologist but armpit sniffer is a far more accepted name. Essentially you're spending each and every day sniffing the armpits of sweaty people to affirm whether deodorants are working properly and whether they smell appealing. It's a noble cause right? You're making sure humanity smells nice and stays BO free, 'tis very worthwhile.

Pros: You'll know exactly which deodorants to buy in store.

Cons: There's some smelly people out there.

9. Pet food tester

If you're a pet lover you'll want to look after your small and furry family members by making sure they have the best of everything and the best food above all. But how do we know that the food we're buying is everything it says on the box or tin? After all a dog can't scoff down a bowl of Pedigree Chum and offer its learned opinion on the quality and nutritional elements of the meat, can it? This is where you come in, in your highly skilled job you have to test and evaluate each product. Is there a good balance between rabbit and duck in that tin of Aldi dog food? Do those cat biscuits taste like salmon or undercooked calamari? These are questions that must have answers if our pets are to lead happy and healthy lives. Pet food testers are an important spoke on the wheel of life.

Pros: You never have to worry about having money for food, you're eating all day.

Cons: You may develop a tendency to bark, sniff peoples arses, hiss or claw peoples eyes out.

10. Ostrich babysitter

I bet when you left school you never considered babysitting as a viable career option, did you? I don't blame you, it wasn't exactly high on my dream careers list either. But as we get older we want to do things that aren't very strenuous. So sitting in a deck chair, in a hot country, listening to tunes on the iPod while watching a flock of overgrown chickens seems like perfection. There has to be a catch right? I mean no job can be so completely easy can it? Well apart from the occasional egg stealing poacher (ostrich eggs are valuable) and ostrich bitch fight, it really is easy. Of course when ostrich's get a temper on then things can get quite interesting and care has to be taken that it's not you who's getting buried head first in the sand. But hey that can't happen a right lot.....

Pros: Sitting in the sun listening to music and tanning nicely.

Cons: How do you explain to your mates that you got battered by a big bird?

11. Chicken sexer

Right, hold on here! Before all you weirdo's and perverts rush to send off your CV's, this job does NOT mean you get to have sex with chickens! Eeeeewwwww!!! In fact, despite it's fairly lurid title, this is a very professional job. You are required to check if a newly hatched chick is male or female. There a few methods of establishing this, but essentially it's a job for a normal, non-pervy person to take on. Well I say normal but you do have to be a bit coldhearted. Myself I think I'd pass on this one.

Pros: You get to look at cute, fluffy chickens.

Cons: If you tell anyone your job title you could end up being arrested for bestiality.

12. Shark tank cleaner

If you've ever seen Jaws and felt terrified by Spielberg's rubber monster, then this is probably not the job for you. However if you want a job were you are happy to clock in each day, maybe do unpaid overtime and talk about it constantly in the pub, then you're on to a winner with cleaning shark tanks. I admit it does sound a tad bit dangerous, but surely a bit of danger is preferable to staring at a computer screen all day? You're getting to swim around with beasties that are considerably further up the food chain than you are, but you know it's never going to be dull and you won't have to deal with irate morons screeching at you down the phone every day with problems you couldn't give a damn about. This is the job I want!

Pros: You'll have a valid excuse for using the Jaws theme as your phone ringtone.

Cons: When it gets to lunchtime your workmates might just decide to eat you.

13. Lego sculptor

Well, what can I say. Yes this really IS a job! How cool would that be, spending your days building fantastic stuff out of Lego and earning a wage for it! This has to be one of the most self-rewarding jobs in the world! Ever! Sure you're not finding a cure for cancer, ending world hunger or discovering the mysteries of the universe, but you're making a huge difference to the enjoyment of countless generations of snotty nosed kids and just maybe gaining a few choice curses off countless generations of cleaning obsessed parents. Admit it, you'd love to play with Lego for your job.

Pros: You get to go to work and be paid for doing kid stuff.

Cons: Have you ever stood on a block of Lego?

14. Monkey trainer for disabled people

I've always dreamed of having a monkey butler, a little, furry servant to do all the household chores that I'm far too lazy to do. Never did I once think though that they actually existed. But they do! Now before you all rush out to place your orders for trained monkeys there's one little detail you should be aware of; they are strictly for the use of the disabled only. So what's the next best thing to having a monkey butler? Well training a monkey butler of course! Can you imagine the time, dedication, effort and fun that goes in to a job like this? It has to be an interesting job and you're also providing a very worthwhile service to a lot of hard up people, improving their lives no end. So if you're looking for an exciting and stimulating career choice, well look no further.

Pros: Always an interesting and varied day at work.

Cons: Monkey's do fling shit you know.

15. Dog yoga teacher

This has to be one of the strangest and most irrelevant jobs around. Teaching people to do yoga, with their dogs! I'll never look down on anyone's profession, but if you ever become a doga (dog yoga) teacher then I'm going to chuckle at you. Unsurprisingly it's another facet of American culture that has got off its lead and snuffled its way across the pond. Apologies to Americans here, but you don't half come up with some daft stuff!

After a bit of a read around I can see the odd few benefits to doga, calming down stressed mutts and such, but overall I still think it's a daft and rather pointless career option. But each to their own...

Pros: You get to help dog and human become one with each other.

Cons: You may look like an idiot.

So there we go, if you consider your present job mundane and ordinary and completely lacking in uniqueness, then I have given you a few different options for a new career path.

You can thank me later with alcohol and a cut of your first wage!

Fond memories of childhood

Now I may have spent too much time gazing through the rose tinted glasses of nostalgia, but I think I’m fairly safe in saying that as a young lad summer was a far better time then than it is today. As an adult about all we do in summer, is work the same amount, maybe enjoy a beer garden or 2 and occasionally, if the saving has gone well, take a well earned holiday. While it’s not exactly horrifying (well the work side is), it’s not quite as much fun as a kids summer.

Think about it, when you were growing up, still at school, summertime was something to genuinely look forward, it was almost as anticipated as Christmas. The following are just a few of the reasons why:

1. You had 6 weeks off school. 6 whole weeks with absolutely nothing to do, other than play daft games with your friends and be rarely seen in the house.
2. Every day seemed to be hot. It probably wasn't scorching every day, but I'll bet you probably spent most days in shorts and t-shirt, or whatever young girls liked to wear and you had a tan created by a sunbed or painted on.
3. Ice cream tasted better. Now this may not sound important, but summer is ice cream season and the better the ice cream the better the day! These days there's just too many varieties of ice cream and sometimes too much choice is a bad thing.
4. Trips to the seaside. Seaside trips were one of the great delights of being a kid, even though you saw the place at least a couple of times a year, the seaside town you visited always seemed a bit more exotic than your hometown. I was a Blackpool kid and of course Blackpool had the Pleasure Beach, but I'm guessing those who went to Brighton, Skegness and Yarmouth had just as much fun as I did.
5. No school. I know I mentioned it in the first point, but for a different reason. No school meant no lessons, no sitting in a stuffy classroom filling your growing mind  with information you'll likely never need (oh and how we learned the error of that type of thinking). For 6 weeks you didn't have to be structured, you lived almost by instinct.

How would a typical day go? I’ll have an attempt at recreating one:

8:00am ~ Wake up, realise you’re not in school, and actually get up without being dragged kicking and screaming from bed.

8:00am to 9:00am ~ Wash, brush your teeth, use Dads aftershave and try to scream at the shock of it on your face. Spend a while choosing your clothes, you’d want a pair of shorts that showed off the scars on your knees, war wounds were cool. Head off downstairs eat breakfast and watch cartoons.

9:00am to 12:00pm ~ Go knock on for friends, make sure a football is brought along at all times. You could play many games, and frequently did, but with a football you could either A) make those games more interesting or B) invent new games. A game of knockout* wall-y** was to be played before lunch.

*knockout was basically a kids simpler version of a knockout competition. A goalkeeper was selected and each person had to score a goal to proceed to the next round, one person was knocked out each round. The last round, the final, involved the last 2 kids and the winner was the first to score 3 goals.

**Wall-y involved finding a big wall and blasting a ball against it. You were only allowed to touch the ball once and that was to hit it against the wall. You had to hit the ball from where it stopped, or was rolling toward, and if you missed the target you were out.

12:00pm to 12:30pm ~ Dinnertime. You all congregated at someones house were their parents would make you all sandwiches and attempt to boost your sugar levels to insane amounts by filling you up with fizzy pop.

12:30pm to 5:00pm ~ More playtime, a whole afternoons worth of fun, games and lots of skinned knees. These were the best times of summer holidays, when you could have that whole afternoon to do whatever you wished without much fear of parental intrusion, that truly was heaven then. We had a little wooded area near our estate that we called “The Forest”, a lot of times we could be found in there, building dens, playing army and pretending we were outlaws after watching Robin of Sherwood.

5:00pm to 6:00pm ~ Teatime. One of only 2 times during a day when we were expected to follow a routine. Teatime was rigid, you were in at 5, washed and sat at the table ready to be served your evening meal. Either ketchup or brown sauce had to be at the table for tea.

6:00pm to 9:00pm ~ Back out for the final few hours of the day. This was the time for relaxing and serious debate; football, girls, who’d win in a battle between He-Man and Lion-O?

9:00pm ~ Time to go home. We had curfews back then and on pain of death we stuck to them! You didn’t want to be grounded for the summer for coming in late.

The following day would be more of the same, with few variations. Unless of course it was the day of the Blackpool trip, then it was a day for memories.

Those were the days; before responsibility, getting a job, earning a wage and having to be (almost) sensible. Wouldn’t you like to go back, if only for a day and see if the memories live up to the reality?

How to make the best of your life as a werewolf.

THE DEFINITIVE LIST!

Life's tough at times isn't it? You struggle day in and day out to earn money, to buy food, keep a roof over your head, provide for the kids (if you have them), pay the bills and afford all those little luxuries you damn well deserve...

...Unless you're a soap dodging, state sponging, layabout chav with no other ambition in life than to smoke week, doss on a games console and one day appear on Jeremy Kyle, in which case you deserve fuck all in the luxury department!

Uhm pardon the veering off into scrote bashing mode there!

So were was I? Oh yeah, life is hard! It doesn't help matters that the slimy bastards in government are always on the lookout for new ways to knock you down, then kick you viciously in the teeth when you're down there. Sadistic Eton educated cretins!

But as bad as us poor working folk have it, there's another group, a real minority group, who have it so much worse. Not only do they have the shit paying jobs, the bills, the endless slog of days with virtually nothing to look forward to and the government siphoning every available penny off them, not only do they have all that but also, whenever there is a full moon they turn into a slavering, murderous, hairy and hungry beast.

Before you say it, no I'm not talking about a woman on her time of the month here!

I am of course talking about the werewolf.

What must be it be like to be a werewolf? It's like life hates you so much it's given you an extra bitchslap on top of the brutal kicking it's already given you! I mean it's not bad enough that at the sight of a full moon all the money you just paid for a full body wax is rendered a waste of time, you also have to contend with being seen as a freak, having an enormous wardrobe bill, bits of raw chav stuck between your teeth, hard to remove bloodstains, possible memory loss and strange people wanting to shoot you full of silver!

Not good is it?

So in the spirit of good faith (and the protection of my own skin), I have drawn up a small list to ensure all werewolves can lead moderately happy lives.

Point number one. ~ Avoid silver. Pretty self explanatory right? Everyone knows that silver bullets are a werewolf's Kryptonite! But you'd be shocked at just how many of you homicidal mani ... erm ... misunderstood, reluctant killers have been caught out by a simple silver chain or ring. Just because it isn't fired out of a gun, doesn't mean it can't harm you! Silver is bad, 'mkay?

Point number two. ~ Be aware of the moon. Again this should be self explanatory. Full moon means lots of body hair, sharp teeth and a possible tail! But yet again you'd be surprised at how many werewolves have failed to pay attention to the lunar cycle, gone to the pub with friends for a few cheeky drinks and then painted the town red. Literally! Pay attention!

Point number three. ~ Invest in larger clothes. One of the major problems of changing in to your werewolf form is the damage it does to your expensive designer clothing. Think about it, clothes rarely stretch, they mostly either stay the same or shrink enough to fit a new born. You need to invest in xxxxxxl clothing, just for changing times of course! Shop Jacamo and you'll be good.

Point number four. ~ Avoid vampire's. Now you'd think that all you supernatural beings would be quite friendly to each other, what with being minority sub-groups and all. In fact nothing could be further from the truth. I'm unsure about the rest of the supernatural world, but vampires have no respect for you at all. To them you're nothing but a strange type of dog, they'll throw doggy treats at you and laugh as they do so! Arrogant bastards! Avoid them like the plague.

Point number five. ~ Select the right food source. Sure you may get more vitamins and what not from munching on rich bankers and businessmen, but you're also more likely to get hunted down and suffer a fatal case of death if you prey exclusively on them. You want to be sticking to a rigid diet of the unwanted and never-will-be-missed. Set your menu to chav, politician or traffic warden and you're much more likely to be left alone to snack in peace, with no risk of any nasty silver coming your way. Watch what you eat!

Hopefully my useful (useless) list above can help all you furry freaks to live full, productive and above all slightly happy lives. If it hasn't worked, then at least I tried to do something good for you! You could at least be grateful for that! No need to hunt me down and make me supper.....

I'll say goodbye now.....

Childhood Games ~ Musical Chairs

In this continuing series dedicated to the games of childhood we now enter the cut-throat world of musical chairs.

Now this is a game that has damn near everything, in fact as far as games go it’s pretty close to perfection. It’s competitive, has a degree of risk and tension and is performed to corny party music, what more could you ask? I dare say that with the exception of pass the parcel, musical chairs is the ultimate party game.

To play the game is simple, to win it requires speed, anticipation and the ability to correctly use underhanded tactics. I never even got close to winning a game as a child, probably because I wasn’t ruthless enough and still am not, I bet I’d get beaten at a game today.

All you need to play, is a large room, plenty of chairs, an adult to control the music (and halt any potential kiddie riots), and a large group of over-sugared children. The chairs are set up in a circle (you could use a square but circles look better), making sure that there is one less chair than there is children. Once everything is set up just so, the music can begin.

So the music begins and all the kids start to walk sedately around the chairs, there may be some jostling of the slower kids but otherwise all is quite calm. Then the adult DJ hits the pause button, and pandemonium breaks out. The chairs become a great treasure that must be attained at all cost, friendship goes out of the window and even family ties are forgotten as each child strives to be the one who’s not standing at the end.

Ruthless Musical Chairs players forcing the weakest away from that precious last chair.

When the dust clears and peace is restored, one poor soul will be discovered, teary eyed and snotty nosed, defeated. With one child now eliminated a chair is removed, thus keeping the number of chairs lower than the number of kids, and it begins again. The game continues in this way until all but one of the children are removed. Sometimes this can last as long as three cheesy pop songs.

With the possibility of prizes awaiting the winner, is it any wonder that sneaky tactics become the norm? A sly elbow to the person behind, a little trip to the one in front, anything that can create a few precious seconds to gain the chair. Children are more ruthless than adults when they really want to win.

A lesson to be learned, winning at musical chairs increases the chances of a successful future (obviously this is scientifically unproven, but still it’s a good theory).

Childhood Games ~ Tig ... or Tag if you wish!

We come now in this series to what is perhaps one of the simpler childhood games (and considering the lack of complexity of most of the games we played, that truly is an outstanding/crap achievement). We’re here to take a look at the game of tag, sometimes known as tig, depending on where you are from. We actually called it tig, and thought tag was a silly name for the game.

As mentioned in the first sentence it’s a simple game, you simply run after someone and hit them.  Hey presto, just like that, they are “it”.

But for all its simpleness it’s a game that has many variations, all dependent on where you choose to play. There was basic tig, ball tig, off ground tig, sit down tig, statue tig, team tig and many others as ridiculous as those mentioned. Whichever of the variations you played had its own rules; ball tig you could only tig someone by hitting them with a ball, sit down tig you couldn’t be tigged if you were sat down and so on. The one basic rule common to all games, after you had tigged someone they couldn’t turn around and tig you straight back, that rule was inviolate and when it was broken war was declared and the UN were called.

Just took a quick break here and had a look at Wikipedia, and fuck me there’s more varieties than even I thought.

Because we used to have a half decent park near where I lived (the council have since pulled it down, bastards), our favourite version of the game was off ground tig. The kid who was “it” would chase everyone else around, obviously, the game wouldn’t be quite as much fun if the chaser didn’t do any actual chasing. “It” was not allowed on any of the parks equipment, however those who were not “it” could climb on the swing, slide or roundabout for anything up to 30 seconds at a time. Once they were off the ground as it were they were safe until their 30 seconds was up.

What it felt like when "It" was after you!

Theoretically a simple game of tig could last for years, because the game could not ever be fucking won. Thankfully most of us aren’t stupid enough to run around a small area yelling “tig, you’re it” and giggling like asylum inmates for years at a time.

I guess though that some of us still love the game and wish to play it, the popularity of the Facebook poke-wars attests to this. I’ve even been told that there’s a sexual variation on the game of tig, though as of yet I haven’t had the chance to experience it and so prove it exists.

Childhood Games ~ Hide and Seek

Here we are continuing our nostalgic look back at the games we used to play as wee little children. This article is about the extremely popular game known as hide-and-seek or hide-and-go-seek. The extra word made no difference to the game by the way.

Everyone who is anyone has played hide-and-seek, it’s virtually a staple of childhood; like watching cartoons, rolling in the mud and dreaming of being allowed to go to McDonalds on your own. You can even play hide-and-seek with imaginary friends, though I can pretty much guarantee that that’s one game you won’t ever fucking win. Have you ever tried finding the hiding place of someone who doesn’t even exist? It’s a bitch I tell you.

You need quite a large area with lots of stuff around to have a really good game, playing hide-and-seek in an empty meadow is just a bit silly.

So what is hide-and-seek? Well obviously it’s a game in which you hide and someone else seeks, duh! Just as a random thought, it’s also a great way of training up future special forces soldiers.

What happens is this; a place is selected to be home or base, or whatever you want to call it, someone is chosen to be “The Seeker”, usually the least popular or youngest kid there, the chosen one is then instructed to close their eyes and count to a pre-determined number. The count starts and everyone scatters, trying to find the perfect place of concealment. If the chosen play area has enough, houses, gardens, walls or trees, then the possibilities of finding a decent hiding place are nearly endless.

Once the seeker has concluded his count he’ll then start to hunt, using formerly unknown tracking abilities and thinking outside the box (under that car looks promising). Once he discovers one of the hiders, he then has to race his prey back to home/base/big fucking tree. Whoever is back first has to touch base and utter the phrase “Ollie, Ollie, oxen free” in a loud voice, the hand must be on base when they it. If the seeker is back first then the one he found becomes seeker for the next game.

Hiding from a seeker in a typical game of hide and seek.

However if he doesn't catch anyone the poor little bastard to do it all over again next round!

While he has ensured, probably, that the next time around he’ll be among the hiders, there are still others to be found. Not much of a fun game if you only have to catch one person is it? As in most games, the winner is the last to be caught, or last to get to base and declare themselves safe.

With the exception of choosing a dangerous hiding place, hide-and-seek is one of the safer childhood games, the emphasis of the game is on being really quiet and also really fast, rather than being able to pancake whoever you’re trying to catch.

"You killed my father, prepare to die!"

Six fingered men, chatty duellists, scheming Sicilians, rodents of unusual size and oodles and oodles of revenge!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, humans and aliens, allow me to introduce to you a true cinematic epic, a timeless classic of the silver screen, a modern masterpiece...

Hmm, maybe the above was a bit over-exaggerated? Alright, we'll scrub the cinematic epic and silver screen classic bit, I'm sticking by masterpiece though, because it bloody well is!

What is? I hear you ask breathlessly ..... Oi! Stop laughing over there!

It's The Princess Bride of course. The single greatest over the top fantasy/revenge/comedy/romance movie ever to delight my formerly innocent eyes. They're jaded and cynical eyes now by the way! The movie that made revenge look cool and edgy, that made Sicilians look slimy, that made marriage look scary and pirates look dashing. The Princess Bride!

*Looks at all the blank, confused faces*

Sheesh! Bloody hell!!

You know it's shocked me on more than one occasion the amount of people I know who've never seen, or even heard of this film. Another shock is those who dismiss it as crap without having seen it, purely because it's a fantasy tale.

Can I call people morons in a kind way?
Ah fuck it, if you dismiss a film 'cause you ain't seen it then you're a moron! Ha it's my blog I'll say what I wish, deal with it MoFo's! ... I'm smiling and saying that friendly like!

Anyhoo back on topic. The Princess Bride! I'm not going to do a review here, those rare souls who've read previous entry's will know I don't do reviews, well I don't think they're reviews, I prefer to call it an overview.

Anyhow our story starts off, kind of, with young Stablehand Westley (our hero). Stablehand Westley like any young man his age dreams of chopping people up in to bacon sized chunks and wooing beautiful, rich  women (the chopping people up dream may not be strictly true).

As luck would have it (and a convenient plot), young Westley becomes the infatuation of the beautiful and rich Buttercup. Awwwww! See, you can always achieve your dreams if you live in a fairytale land.

If memory serves aright (to my shame I've been a few years without seeing the film), Buttercup is a bit of a dominatrix at first, constantly ordering poor Westley about. Bloody privileged people huh? However, eventually, true love develops between them ... it is fantasy after all. 

Buttercup and Westley enjoy an unspecified amount of time getting to know each other and doing all the things that loved up couples do. Fortunately we're spared from watching those antics! For reasons I can't quite remember, Westley then decides that he must make his fortune and promptly heads off for sea. Doesn't that strike you as odd? He's getting all hot and heavy with a stunning bank account and then decides to run off to be a sailor? Kinda screams commitmentphobe to me, hmm! No wonder us men are so stereotyped when that's happening on the big screen! Westley I had high hopes for you, now you've left me sad...

The abandoned Buttercup lives on in hope that her wayward beau will return to her, we all cling to something I suppose, then she receives dire news. Westley has been cruelly murdered by the Dread Pirate Roberts!

Dread Pirate Roberts? Doesn't quite have the same menacing ring to it as Blackbeard, does it?

Poor abandoned Buttercup isn't destined to spend her life alone though. Riding in to her life comes the brave (cowardly) and dashing (idiotic) Prince Humperdinck.

The Pratty Prince is on the hunt for a woman who can see past his title and hate him for who he really is. That's not hard trust me, watch the film and you'll agree. What Humperdinck lacks in personality and wit he more than makes up for with complete buffoonery.

So Prince Buffoon meets Abandoned Buttercup and they fall in apathy and agree to marry.

Prince Humperdinck is a bit of an evil twit as well and he wants to start a war, as any true politician always does! So he employs his evil henchman, Count Rugen to come up with a nefarious scheme.

Count Rugen, a man blessed (or cursed) with an extra digit upon his hands (six fingered men now has an explanation), comes up with a brilliant (ha), evil and dastardly scheme to have the soon to be Princess Buttercup kidnapped and a neighbouring nation blamed for it. Scandalous! Never trust anyone with a title, they're all evil, underhanded bastards!

Little note here; I'm not precisely sure that The Six Fingered Man hatched the Buttercup kidnapping plot, but for the purposes of this blog he did, so nit picking from the informed please.

Count Rugen hires a crack (snorts) team of mercenaries to abduct and flee with the poor, young lady. I bet she was thrilled actually. I mean if your future involved spending the rest of your life with someone who has less personality than a store mannequin wouldn't you want a change of scenery pretty quickly? Thought so! So late one night the future Princess Buttercup is stolen away from her comfortable and boring existence.

The professional kidnapping mercenaries flee across the sea with their prize, guided by their leader, the brilliant, scheming Sicilian, Vizzini. For them to be led by anyone else would be inconceivable.....

Ah Vizzini, a man who's intellect is so vast he can call Aristotle, Plato and Socrates morons and utterly believe his own words. Would anyone ever willingly challenge him? After all it's well known that you never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

The man is actually an idiot!

Without his giant, musclebound henchman Fezzik to watch his back, Vizzini would be nothing more than an annoying mouth.

Loyal, brave, strong and utterly dumb Fezzik. I guess every mercenary gang in history needed a big brute to do all the donkey work for them, you know; throwing boulders, crushing heads and moving small countries, that kind of grunt work. Step up Fezzik, you may not be much in the brains department, but you don't need to be, you have a sneaky, bald Sicilian to do your thinking for you. You poor bastard you!

Despite their brains and brawn, neither Fezzik nor Vizzini would be able to pull off a daring kidnapping without the blade of a master swordsman to protect them. In a medieval fairytale land the sword is boss and everyone pays attention to it. To be sure of success in a daring raid you need to have a better swordsman than your adversaries do, you need a man so driven by vengeance that he wills himself to be the best! Here he is.

Meet Inigo Montoya, swordsman extraorinaire, driven by extreme vengeance to kill people with more than the required number of fingers on their hands. Well when you're seeking vengeance for something, having such a distinguishable feature does tend to narrow down the number of people you have to skewer!

Mr Montoya is searching for a man with six fingers, believed to be culpable in the murder of his father. Have you seen any six fingered men yet? He intends to recite him something (I'm guessing it ain't poetry), before entering a sharp bit of metal in to his body. Nice!

So there we have it, a princess to be has been kidnapped, the kidnappers have been revealed and for some reason they're being pursued across the sea by the totally non-scarily named Dread Pirate Roberts. Why has he even got involved? Maybe he just wants a wench he can put across his knee and spank every so often, hmm...

What follows on is the main meat of the film, which I shall not reveal to you, save to say there will be death, duels, swamps full of fire, dangerous rodents of a quite unusual size, witty one liners, sneakiness, more death, some part death and the oh so joyous revenge! As well as pure badassery like in the only clip I shall show you:

Be amazed at the awesomeness there!

So there you have a brief, totally non-review like look at The Princess Bride. I implore you to watch it, to enjoy it and to quote the hell out of it like lots of us knowledgeable folk do online!

Have fun storming the castle!

To the pain!

Goodbye!

The ultimate duel of duels!!!

Mumm-Ra vs Skeletor

This is the ultimate battle of our time folks, the great unanswered question.

Who is the ultimate badass? Which evil super-villain can claim the bragging and gloating rights for all time? Will it be the demonic mummy? Or the menacing skeleton?

Instead of writing a full on battle scene, which would be both incredibly boring and full on cheesy (and which I'm too lazy to do), we’re going to settle this duel with the classic points awarded system. Points will be awarded out of 5 (points are not to be argued with).

Without further ado, let’s get right on with it.

Round one ~ evilness

A very tough one to call this, both of these undead horror’s had entire worlds quaking before them, wondering just what evil plot was being hatched in their devious minds. They both had the power to leave even the most hardened viewer hiding behind a wall of cushions. But Skeletor once had a slip up, he performed a kind deed and rescued a child. Can you imagine Mumm-Ra rescuing a child? He’d probably only do so if he could use it as bait in a plan to destroy the Thundercats!

Mumm-Ra, 5. ~ Skeletor, 4.

Round two ~ Places of power

Mumm-Ra resided in the Black Pyramid, and while this was quite a frightening place and housed “the ancient spirits of evil”, from which Mumm-Ra draws his power, it’s nothing compared to the coolness of Snake Mountain. On a name basis the Black Pyramid doesn’t exactly fill you with fear, just makes you wonder at the unoriginality of evil. Snake Mountain though just gives you little shivers of fear every time you hear of it.

Mumm-Ra, 3. ~ Skeletor, 5.

Round three ~ Henchmen

Every evil super-villain needs a core of thuggish, brainless henchmen to help carry out his nefarious plans. Usually these were ugly, cruel and utterly fucking impotent morons who were little more than cannon fodder for He-Man or Lion-O. However Skeletor had Evil-Lynn and that inclusion alone raised Skeletor’s henchmen up a level. How many other cartoon villains could claim they were doing their bit for female equality? None other than Skeletor!

Mumm-Ra, 3. ~ Skeletor, 5.

Round four ~ Adversaries

One of the key factors in being an evil super-villain is the quality of the hero facing you, and I’m afraid in this round Mumm-Ra takes another beating. Lion-O is a tough dude alright, and I really wouldn’t want to be on his bad side, but really would you be more wary of an overgrown moggy with leadership doubts, or “the most powerful man in the universe”? it’s not even a contest is it? Skeletor really did have the harder task with He-Man for an opponent.

Mumm-Ra, 3. ~ Skeletor, 5.

Round five ~ Power

This is what it really all boils down to, who’s got the greater power! Skeletor is a self taught sorcerer and he’s pretty ingenious, but he’s still just a walking set of bones with a finite lifespan. Mumm-Ra really comes into his own here, he’s “the ever living”, an evil being, thousands of years old and with almost unlimited power. If that isn’t enough to leave a brown stain in your pants I don’t know what is! They both have their weaknesses though; Skeletor is a coward, take away all his toys and he’ll gibber for mercy, while Mumm-Ra literally is afraid of his own reflection, show him a mirror and what he sees will render him bloody useless.

Mumm-Ra, 4. ~ Skeletor, 2.

Final score: Mumm-Ra, 18. ~ Skeletor, 21.

So there you have it, conclusive proof that in the ultimate duel Skeletor will just win out over Mumm-Ra. 

The above is just opinion and not to be taken as actual fact, thank you for your understanding dear reader.