So back in the day when I was just getting in to
the world of PC gaming (about the turn of the millennium), my friend Allan
and I discovered the game which would turn into our version of crack cocaine.
Seriously the game was that addictive we'd even forget to drink coffee for
hours at a time. Yeah it was that bad!
The game was Baldur's Gate, a CRPG (computer role playing game) of sheer
and utter amazingness! Its sequel which was rather ingeniously titled Baldur's
Gate 2 I shall talk about at a later date.
So where do we begin? Well we opened the box (as you obviously do),
removed all 600 million discs (was about 5 but it felt like a lot more at
times), and proceeded to read through an instruction manual so large it could
probably have brought whole planets into its orbit. Next was the game
installation, always fun on the old computers, you'd generally wait a week just
for the chance to install disc 2.
With the game now installed (and us having gone through sleep and
shaving deprivation waiting for it) we could now play. Little did we realise
that those first few notes of the intro music would haunt our dreams forever
after.
After a few minutes spent imagining swinging swords at charging orcs we
click off the music and move on to the first and arguably most important part
of the game. The creation of The Main Character!
This is serious business now, what happens here will echo through
eternity! Yeah that's bullshit, but I can't resist a dramatic line, so sue me.
First you have sex, by that I mean choosing whether your computerised
avatar will be male or female, so all minds out of the gutter please!
Second there is choosing your race (not the 100 metre's by the way), so
here you can choose to be a pointy eared, bitchy elf, a psychotic looking
dwarf, or any of the other various races on offer for your selection delights.
Third, choose your class (maths and science are not options here). Do
you want to run around with a six foot length of sharpened metal, chopping your
enemies up into little bloody chunks? Or would you rather mutter shitloads of
mumbo jumbo and end up throwing random fireballs around the scenery? The choice
is up to you.
Now we get to the fun bit, the selecting of the stats. This is a process
that could easily keep the most dedicated gamers busy for the rest of their
natural lives! Seriously, I think we spent more time trying to get the perfect
stats than we did actually playing the game.
Finally we can think up a name, preferably something appropriate to the
in-game universe like Chugga the Chunker.
Now that Chugga is created (we never actually called either of our
characters Chugga by the way, but for the purposes of narrating through the
games storyline that's the name I'm going to use), we can jump in to the
action. After a brief intro scene Chugga is deposited in the courtyard of a big
castle called Candlekeep, it's supposedly a library but we'll get there later.
Before I carry on with the business of enthralling story telling I must
make one important point. There is nothing in the entire Baldur's Gate universe
more important than the spacebar on the computer. The spacebar pauses the game,
this is useful because near enough every single fucking enemy on the game can
squish you like a bug for the first few hours of gameplay! So during every
battle the game is paused, a lot, sometimes for long periods of time while you
assess the best routes for running away screaming. Eventually you'll end up
going through the entire game with one finger poised nervously above the
spacebar, thus giving you the ailment now commonly known as spacebar finger. It
is possibly the worst form of RSI known to man.
Anyways back to our story...
Chugga is wandering around Candlekeep waiting for his step daddy Gorion
to finish packing up his dentures so they can go on a long journey never to
return. Because he's basically a nice but dim lad, and because he's been raised
pretty well he's doing some nice little chores for some seriously ungrateful
bastards. From finding books lost in haystacks (obviously), to curing sick cows
(he wanted to go to university to become a vet) and beating the shit out of
some giant rats, he does the lot with a vacant smile on his face and receives
no thanks apart from a few measly gold coins. You need a union to join Chugga,
they'll fight the battles so your simple mind can rest easy.
Finally Gorion is ready, his spare dentures packed away with his
nighttime pipe. And they're off. Off to have adventures and rescue damsels in
distress and what-not, or maybe just to find a pub and get pissed up on cheap
booze.
Tension time is approaching, our storyline's antagonist awaits!
When this guy steps out of the shadows you know he's not there to invite
you to sit round his campfire, toast marshmallows and sing camping songs.
After watching Gorion get cut down and bravely deciding to run away
rather than offer his help, Chugga realises that he's now alone in the world,
well nearly, here comes his best and only friend Imoen. She was seriously pissed
off that she wasn't invited on the damsel rescuing, cheap booze swilling
journey, but she's followed along and there ain't no chance an armoured moron
like Chugga will be ordering her back!
I think it's fair to imagine that all of Chugga's wet dreams and
perverted fantasy's have been about little Imoen. Jus' saying you know...
Anyways our merry twosome are now happily gamboling around the
woods, feeling free to pick up any companions they like, and there's quite the
motley crew of people standing around just waiting to be asked to join up and
head off towards certain death. The characters have a nice range, from an
insane necromancer with a hard-on for dragon rabbits, a megalomaniac sorcerer
with persecution issues and the largest man ever in computer game
history who takes life advice from a hamster, and all manner of crazy in
between.
Ah Minsc and Boo, a handsome pair, just a pity they're batshit insane!
After lots of pissing around in various woods and towns, our hero
decides that it's high time he became a brave warrior and made a significant
impact in the world. Doing his best to protect life, liberty and the Baldur's
Gate way. So he heads off to some poxy little iron mine to clear out some kind
of infestation. Now despite Chugga not following any health and safety
regulations and having no experience of the mining industry, the foreman hires
him on the spot without even asking for any references. How the fuck did this
guy make it into management?
With lots of swings of his brand new, yet trusty sword (and lots of help
from his far more experienced companions), Chugga clears the mine in record
time, and as he contemptuously defeats the end of level boss he learns of a
dastardly plot! Apparently some shady organisation is sabotaging all the iron
mines in the area and attempting to start off a mining rights war (possibly
it's more serious than a war over some holes in the ground, but it sounded
good). This is serious business now, if iron prices go up then swinging a sword
at anything and everything like a moronic imbecile is not going to be a wise
move. Especially when the risk of the sword breaking is a very real
possibility.
It's obvious now that Chugga has to save the day, well none of the other
lazy bastards in the world will, they'll just bitch and moan and drink cheap
booze!
First off in his new quest to bring justice and cheap iron to the free
world is a bandit problem. Well wouldn't you know it, there just has to be
bandits! Apparently these lawless scum are attacking caravans bringing in iron
from outside the region (I think all merchants must be gypsies in the Baldur's
Gate world, why travel in caravans otherwise). This is the kind of problem Chugga
can easily deal with, if he can just figure out how to read the conveniently
found map with directions to the bandit camp on it. Chugga struggles a tad with
directions.
It's a fine morning for bandit smiting, the sun is shining, the birds
are singing, the flowers are all smelling pretty and Chugga has the hangover
from hell! Shouldn't have drunk all that mead at The Burning Wizard last
night Chugga.
Our surly, hungover hero and his merry band finally stumble upon the
bandit camp and proceed to slaughter anything that moves, including some poor
prisoner who was only trying to escape. Life sucks then some big moron
decapitates you. The discovery of yet more convenient letters and maps leads to
a bit more of the plot being revealed and another mine, this one guarded by
giant spiders. Giant fucking spiders! I guess arachnophobes won't be going iron
mining out that way any time soon.
Oh well it's more walking, no one should complain though, it's good
cardio-vascular exercise, perfect for the growing warrior.
Now Chugga is about to become a hero to women everywhere, he's going to
destroy an entire spider population, swoon before him ladies, swoon before him.
With this comforting image in his mind, Chugga and friends happily settle into
their new career in pest control, ah bless their rusty iron socks. Spiders,
wytherns and the occasional pacifist druid are all met bravely and exterminated
(cue visions of me seeing all 6 party members as medieval daleks).
Here goes Chugga again, completely disregarding health and safety rules
to plunge in to yet another mine (the bureaucrats are going to be tearing their
hair out). This mine is just a little bit more difficult than the first, as at
the very bottom is a rather nasty magician with a very annoying habit of
throwing electricity at people. Doesn't he realise that power company's are
raising their prices thanks to clowns like him?
Finally he's dead and British Gas and EON can stop sending him red
letter bills.
There's a big hurray moment here as Chugga finally learns the name
of his spiky assailant from the beginning. His name is Sarevok and apparently
he's a bit creepy. No shit!
Finally the Scooby Gang ... erm party of brave warriors can hit the big
city; bars, brothels and fashion boutiques baby! Apparently the city of
Baldur's Gate is the place to be if you want to mingle with the rich and
famous.
But all is not well, there's sinister things afoot, and weird things
happening to normal people. Once again with no asking for references Chugga and
friends are hired in to jobs they've never done before, they are now Baldur's
Gate's version of the F.B.I.! If nothing else they're going to have quite the
CV when everything is settled.
As they are now fully fledged hero's and can't get squished by simple
monsters anymore, cleansing the city proves to be little more than a light
afternoons work As a reward, and because the head honcho's of the bad
organisation are there, Chugga is allowed to return back to Candlekeep, where
he spent many fruitful years learning not to read books and being treated like
a general fucking dogsbody. And with a snap of fingers the gates of Candlekeep
appear. See that's what it's like if you're a high level RPG sorcerer, instant
travel, no more travelling bullshit map areas and taking months to get
anywhere.
And Chugga is home. He's greeted and welcomed by suspicious looks and
questions about why he looted the body of his step father and left him for the
carrion to eat. There's also an oddly suspicious chap by the name of Koveras on
the look out for information (you wouldn't believe how long it took us to click
on to the name Koveras).
Finally, after what seems a lifetime (and probably was), entry is
granted to the grand library of Candlekeep, the repository of all the knowledge
in the known universe. Apparently though there's not many authors, great or
otherwise, in the Baldur's Gate universe, as on each bookcase in the grand
library is precisely one fucking book, and they are damn history books at that!
Where's the boys own adventure story's? The great philosophical musings? The
erotic literature? This library actually really sucks!
But wait, Chugga is told that upstairs in his old rooms there is great
information awaiting him. And there is, really this time. It's a letter. A
letter from a dead man. A letter from Gorion. Why the hell he would leave the
boy a letter in his vacated rooms when he was taking him along to get drunk and
wench rescued damsels is anyone's guess. Maybe he could see the future? But if
so how come he didn't see his own grisly end at the hands of a lunatic wearing
spiky armour? Such questions have no answers, so all Chugga can do is read his
letter (give him time it may take quite a while).
It's fucking momentous! Chugga, simple warrior and all around dogsbody
is the son of a god. A friggin' god!! He's a dead, evil god mind, but still.
The last will and testament should be fairly interesting to read.
That's Dad, he's not much in the looks department...
Weird things are happening now, it turns out that the head bad guys who
Chugga came here to kill have been killed, and Chugga is being framed for the
murder. Well isn't this interesting.
Chugga is now behind bars, not only that he's squeezed in a one person
cell with all five of his friends, and they haven't had a bath for weeks. Still
things could be worse, he could have been transported deep underground into a
maze filled with evil beasties ... oh he has been, all in the name of helping
him escape of course. Well at least old Tethtoril didn't believe that Chugga is
a murdering lunatic with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, maybe he does but
at least he had the decency not to give voice to his opinions. Let that be a
lesson Ulraunt, oh lord and mighty ruler of Candlekeep, opinions are like
arseholes, everyone has them and they usually stink. Especially yours you
bitter old toad!
Once again Chugga is leaving Candlekeep, this time via the not-so-scenic
route. He's getting to do his heroic thing again though, as yet another nation
of giant spiders is living under the library. Maybe they have a copy of Lord
of the Flies to read?
This running around trying to follow a simple plot is really starting to
stress Chugga out, and he throws a massive strop and refuses to go any further
until he's had a cup off coffee (well actually I did this when I got fed up of
being constantly turned to stone by a pair of basilisk's blocking my escape
route). As it's since been revealed that he is the spawn of a evil, dead god
with a love of blood, Chugga's friends are extra careful when trying to pacify
him, there's no telling when he could develop some godly powers and beat them
all to death with their own torn off limbs.
The aim of the game now is proving Chugga innocent of the murders he
actually went back home to commit. And maybe find out why Sarevok wears armour
with spikes sticking out of it.
To Baldur's gate he must go to clear his name, but there is a bounty on
his head and he'll be instantly arrested once he enters the city. To guard
against this Chugga and friends cunningly disguise themselves as a party of
mercenaries. The simple plans are always the best ones.
There follows a fraught investigation whereby Sarevok is found to be
guilty of near enough all the crimes ever committed (the British police want to
question him on where he was when Shergar disappeared). By collecting evidence
(his abandoned diary), and questioning witnesses (his seriously pissed off
other half), Chugga learns the shocking conclusion to all Sarevok's plans. And
an even bigger revelation!
Firstly the plan. Sarevok is plotting to have the ruler's of Baldur's
Gate assassinated, thereby becoming, after a few dodgy deals and whatnot, the
ruler of the city. Once he crowns himself he plans to turn the world into a
slaughterhouse, killing enough people to achieve his ultimate ambition.
Now the revelation. Sarevok is actually the spawn of a dead god. He's
the spawn of the same dead god who spawned Chugga. He literally is Chugga's
brother-from-another-mother!
Combining the plan and the revelation together it becomes very easy to
see what Sarevok's ultimate ambition is. He wants to become a god. There's a
throne up there just waiting for him.
Naturally Chugga can't let this happen, it wouldn't be very heroic of
him after all. In a daring move he manages to gain access to Baldur's Gate's
Ducal palace, expose Sarevok's plans, stop an assassination and prove his own
innocence. Not a bad days work all things considered. As a reward for saving
their lives the duke and duchess decide to offer Chugga no help at all in
finally killing off Sarevok. Well that's a bit of a lie, they do use magic to
track down his location, but that's it. More ungrateful bastards who want to
use poor Chugga as a dogsbody. He definitely needs a union to sign up to.
There it is, the undercity, Sarevok's final location. Not much of a
tourist destination.
So the final battle is upon them Sarevok and his minions vs Chugga and
the need a bath gang. It's a titanic battle, with blood and traps and the
squeaking of an enraged hamster. But finally and inevitably it's over, goodness
and benign lunacy has won the day. There will be no new god in the heavens.
Well not unless the sequel follows a different path anyhow!
And Sarevok never did give an explanation for that freaky armour of his!
*****
There we have it, a quick run through of Baldur's Gate explaining only
the basics of the plot and probably confusing the hell out of anyone who hasn't
played the game.
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