How to make the best of your life as a werewolf.

THE DEFINITIVE LIST!

Life's tough at times isn't it? You struggle day in and day out to earn money, to buy food, keep a roof over your head, provide for the kids (if you have them), pay the bills and afford all those little luxuries you damn well deserve...

...Unless you're a soap dodging, state sponging, layabout chav with no other ambition in life than to smoke week, doss on a games console and one day appear on Jeremy Kyle, in which case you deserve fuck all in the luxury department!

Uhm pardon the veering off into scrote bashing mode there!

So were was I? Oh yeah, life is hard! It doesn't help matters that the slimy bastards in government are always on the lookout for new ways to knock you down, then kick you viciously in the teeth when you're down there. Sadistic Eton educated cretins!

But as bad as us poor working folk have it, there's another group, a real minority group, who have it so much worse. Not only do they have the shit paying jobs, the bills, the endless slog of days with virtually nothing to look forward to and the government siphoning every available penny off them, not only do they have all that but also, whenever there is a full moon they turn into a slavering, murderous, hairy and hungry beast.

Before you say it, no I'm not talking about a woman on her time of the month here!

I am of course talking about the werewolf.

What must be it be like to be a werewolf? It's like life hates you so much it's given you an extra bitchslap on top of the brutal kicking it's already given you! I mean it's not bad enough that at the sight of a full moon all the money you just paid for a full body wax is rendered a waste of time, you also have to contend with being seen as a freak, having an enormous wardrobe bill, bits of raw chav stuck between your teeth, hard to remove bloodstains, possible memory loss and strange people wanting to shoot you full of silver!

Not good is it?

So in the spirit of good faith (and the protection of my own skin), I have drawn up a small list to ensure all werewolves can lead moderately happy lives.

Point number one. ~ Avoid silver. Pretty self explanatory right? Everyone knows that silver bullets are a werewolf's Kryptonite! But you'd be shocked at just how many of you homicidal mani ... erm ... misunderstood, reluctant killers have been caught out by a simple silver chain or ring. Just because it isn't fired out of a gun, doesn't mean it can't harm you! Silver is bad, 'mkay?

Point number two. ~ Be aware of the moon. Again this should be self explanatory. Full moon means lots of body hair, sharp teeth and a possible tail! But yet again you'd be surprised at how many werewolves have failed to pay attention to the lunar cycle, gone to the pub with friends for a few cheeky drinks and then painted the town red. Literally! Pay attention!

Point number three. ~ Invest in larger clothes. One of the major problems of changing in to your werewolf form is the damage it does to your expensive designer clothing. Think about it, clothes rarely stretch, they mostly either stay the same or shrink enough to fit a new born. You need to invest in xxxxxxl clothing, just for changing times of course! Shop Jacamo and you'll be good.

Point number four. ~ Avoid vampire's. Now you'd think that all you supernatural beings would be quite friendly to each other, what with being minority sub-groups and all. In fact nothing could be further from the truth. I'm unsure about the rest of the supernatural world, but vampires have no respect for you at all. To them you're nothing but a strange type of dog, they'll throw doggy treats at you and laugh as they do so! Arrogant bastards! Avoid them like the plague.

Point number five. ~ Select the right food source. Sure you may get more vitamins and what not from munching on rich bankers and businessmen, but you're also more likely to get hunted down and suffer a fatal case of death if you prey exclusively on them. You want to be sticking to a rigid diet of the unwanted and never-will-be-missed. Set your menu to chav, politician or traffic warden and you're much more likely to be left alone to snack in peace, with no risk of any nasty silver coming your way. Watch what you eat!

Hopefully my useful (useless) list above can help all you furry freaks to live full, productive and above all slightly happy lives. If it hasn't worked, then at least I tried to do something good for you! You could at least be grateful for that! No need to hunt me down and make me supper.....

I'll say goodbye now.....