I've often ranted at the Mrs and also on Facebook about other road users, how it seems that a lot of them must have found a drivers licence in a Cornflakes packet! I know I'm not the only one to have such thoughts, so to all the rest of you who think like me, you have my utmost sympathy!
Those of us who do a commute to work will possibly be more aware of the insane idiots on the roads than those who drive far more casually, only possibly though! Below I'm going to do a list of common moronic road behaviour:
1. Indicating
You see those little things stuck to the side of your car? They are called indicators, when activated by the stalk on the steering column they flash and let everyone around you know what you are planning to do. This sounds like common sense right? For most of us it is, because we're sensible people with no wish to make things difficult for those around us. However some folk, I'm looking at you, BMW drivers, seem to think that indicators are just a fashion accessory for the car, just a bit of bling to tart it up a bit more. So I'm going to be a good citizen here and tell you that, no they are not some useless ornament, they are vital thing on the car, learn to use them you middle-class twits!* It infuriates me no end when I'm sat at a junction patiently waiting to get on the road when the approaching Beemer suddenly slows right down and takes the corner without letting me know what the fuck he/she/it is about to do! So for fuck sake learn some common road decency!
2. Roundabouts
Now I know that when taking driving lessons roundabouts can be confusing and terrifying things. I know this because I too was once a learner and roundabouts gave me nightmares. However once I learned the basic rules for navigating them I saw them for what they truly are, places where idiots go to shit other drivers up by displaying no knowledge of lane discipline. Seriously the amount of times I've been cut up on a roundabout has now gone beyond count! They're really not all that difficult to manage. First of all get in the correct lane, if the approach to a roundabout has two lanes then the left lane serves the first exit off the roundabout, and sometimes the second depending on how large the damn thing is. Second and this is a tricky one, if you're in the right hand lane move toward the inside of the roundabout and drive clockwise around, when you're passing the exit immediately before the one you need, indicate to let other drivers know you will be changing lanes and departing the roundabout, they will appreciate you for it. Thirdly and finally, do NOT go all the way around a roundabout in the outside lane, this could possibly cause you to cut other drivers up and potentially cause you to suffer fist related injuries, use common sense!
3. The brakes
This is one that really does make my blood boil! Just imagine, you're driving along, everything on the road is moving smoothly and things are right with the world. All of a sudden you start to drop down a hill and the driver in front of you hits the brakes, now this of itself isn't a huge problem, everyone takes the edge off their speed a bit when going downhill, but some take it to extremes. Imagine you're behind someone who seems to take a perverse delight in tapping their brakes every few seconds, so that you've constantly got a red light in your eyes, just imagine how fucking maddening that can be! Seriously brake riders are amongst the worst humanity has to offer**, they tootle along, foot glued to the pedal slowing everything and everyone up, it's enough to drive a reasonable man to murder! What goes through these peoples minds? Are they aware that they're courting a horrible death by irate driver? Do they get themselves off by foot pressure? Do they think that if they remove their foot from the brake pedal on a hill their car will spectacularly explode? I think the answers to these questions will forever remain a mystery to me. All I will say to them is, please stop riding your bastard brakes, I really don't fancy jail time for mutilating you in the middle of the road!
4. Taxis
Ah taxi drivers AKA the ignorant cretins of the road! If you ever want to seriously piss off your fellow drivers, then get a job in the taxi industry. You will learn lots here, such as; how to cut people up properly, how to park on double yellow lines like a bellend, how to indicate even less than a BMW driver, how to stop abruptly while causing maximum carnage behind you and finally how to drive like an idiot the wrong way on a one way street! Taxi drivers are a menace***, I'd like to think there's a special hell set aside for these people, one with a meter running constantly that charges them for every little movement they make! Unfortunately though taxis are kind of a necessary evil in the world, because unless you are tee-total, you cannot enjoy a good night out without relying on their dodgy driving and extortionate prices. It's a cruel world isn't it?
5. Boy racers
One of the perils of being out and about in your pride and joy is a particular type of road user, specifically the "boy racer". You've all seen them in their tacky looking Vauxhall Corsa's, with shit music booming out of an even shitter stereo system. They can usually be found either parked up somewhere wearing baseball caps and looking like extra's from Shameless, or riding so far up your arse that they could probably clean your tonsils for you, just waiting for a chance to overtake you with all the speed of sluggish iceberg! Just like the above mentioned taxi drivers, these morons are dangerous, if they're not making your ears bleed with their terrible music then they're either choking you to death with the crap that blasts out of their exhaust pipes or they're jumping red lights and forcing you into the kind of reflex braking a Formula 1 driver would be proud of! How some of these kids pass their tests is a bigger mystery than the Bermuda Triangle! How they can even see through the clouds of cannabis smoke inside the car is a bigger mystery still. And how more people haven't thought to run them off the road during their torturous overtaking attempts is a mystery the likes of which no man will ever solve! Do yourself a favour, if you ever see one of these pathetic specimens on the road, turn off at the next available opportunity ... but remember to indicate!
* - Not all BMW drivers are middle class twits, nor are they all bad drivers, but there is enough to create a generalisation.
** - Obviously there are worse examples of humanity than brake riders, but I don't encounter them much, if at all, so I can make such a dramatic statement.
*** - And not all taxi drivers are complete menaces, a few I've used lately have been pretty good and safe, but again there's enough of them to make these sweeping generalisations.
This is it for tonight, thanks for reading ... if indeed anyone did!
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