Go phone your parents and tell them you won't be home tonight!
I can pretty much guess that using that line would get you laughed at, slapped or both should you ever have the balls to go and say it to a girl. Yes I know people don't use payphones anymore, but that was a semi-popular line when I first started going out.
So brought upon by nothing at all, other than that line just appearing in my mind, I'm going to do a top ten list for cheesy, corny, witty and rude chat up lines. Some I've heard and some have been used on friends of mine.
Before I start though, I must stress that I've never used any of the following, or indeed any chat up line. For one I don't have the confidence to believe they'd work for me, for another women laugh at me enough without me giving them any extra ammunition.
Off we go...
One
I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'll make your bedrock!
Seriously this one is terrible, it's a crap pun never mind a crap chat up line.
Two
Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven
There's not much I can say to that, other than whoever uses it deserves a slap.
Three
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together!
I'm guessing this is meant to be quite romantic, in a weird, creepy way...
Four
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Heard that said by various friends (who shall remain nameless to protect their embarrassment), surprisingly it worked once.
Five
Is that a mirror in your pants? 'cause I can see myself in them!
*sigh* Bad, just bad!
Six
Nice legs, what time do they open?
Well that's a smooth one isn't it? Almost guaranteed to have no success at all.
Seven
Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk past again?
Does that actually have any chance of working?? Hmmm...
Eight
Nice dress, it would look great on my bedroom floor.
Corny with a hint of wit, might get a smile that...
Nine
Do you believe in casual sex, or should I get dressed up?
That one I like, definitely gotta have the nerve to say it though.
Ten
The only time I'd kick you out of bed is to fuck you on the floor!
Using that as an opening line would require more confidence than I'll ever possess. Friend of mine tried it once, we had to leave the pub not long after because the girl and her friends couldn't stop laughing at him. Cruel maybe?
That concludes my list. Incidentally any women reading this feel free to give your verdict on the above lines, or indeed on any that you have been subjected to!
This is a just a place where I can mess around and indulge my rusty creative side and generally have a laugh!
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Monday, 25 June 2012
The trials and tribulations of being an England football fan
Being the observations and expectations of a typical England fan
Well Euro 2012 ended up in a depressingly familiar way for us England fans, we were subjected to another competition exit by the losing of a penalty shoot-out. 7 penalty shoot-outs lost out of 8 we've taken part in. Something tells me that we're shit at taking penalties under pressure.
So what do we do now? Well it's as you were, we move on, we regroup and we prepare ourselves for the next inevitable quarter-final exit.
And this is how things will go:
1. Qualification. Yaaaaaaaaayyy!! We've qualified for another European Championship/World Cup. This time it's gonna be ours. This time football is coming home!
2. Naming the squad. What?? Why?? How the fuck did he get in, he's shit? Why isn't he in the squad, he's been the leagues best player? Every time the England squad is named nearly every one of us turns into a professional manager, 'cause we know best ya know! The current boss doesn't stand a chance.
3. All radio channels overplay every single football and football related song they can think of, just to get us in the mood! Because if we don't listen to John Barnes rapping at least 10 times a day then we're not going to appreciate the tournament we're in.
4. Facebook and other social media sites get spammed with people screaming "believe" at each other. Believe and we can do it, believe and this group of lead-footed players will magically turn into Barcelona overnight, believe and we'll not only win this tournament but bring about world peace and also galactic peace. Belief is all we need ya know!
Gonna have to pause the list here a moment while I vent. If someone says to me "believe" again, I'm gonna burp in their face, preferably after eating garlic all day. If belief was all we needed then we would have qualified and won every competition ever. But it's not and we haven't! Talent and ability win the big shiny things, not a group of pissed up people with Union Jack's tattooed onto every conceivable body part.
Vent over!
5. The pre-tournament friendlies. We scrape to a few 1-0 wins over nations who'd struggle to play in a pub league. But hey a win's a win no matter how well you play, besides the players have to get used to playing with each other. You've gotta beli... *slap*
6. It's time for the opening game, the beer is bought, the crisps and other snacks are ready and waiting. We all strive to sing the national anthem, without knowing a fucking word of it. We play shit and sneak our way to a lucky result, usually a draw. But c'mon, that's the hardest game in the group over with, and they had 12 men to our 11 'cause the ref was clearly on their side. Despite the ref sending off 2 of their players and denying them 20 clear cut penalty claims. We never won so the ref was dodgy!
7. Rinse and repeat point 6, just change the excuses for the performance, "they were the host nation", "they've always been our bogey side". Argue and get upset on Facebook, threaten to delete people because they dare to be critical. Being critical makes them shit fans and not fit to be called English.
8. Somehow qualify from the group, find out that Germany could be faced at some point before reaching the final. Worry.
9. We reach the quarter-finals, even the most pessimistic start to feel a slight touch of excitement. Extra time and penalties are a very real possibility and the tabloid newspapers mention this on the back page every day until the game. And the game is underway, the streets of England are eerily silent, even the chavs have stopped threatening people for a few hours. Well wouldn't you know it, after 2 hours of biting your nails all the way down it's penalties. AGAIN! Which England players will miss and get to star in Pizza Hut adverts for a few years? England lose on penalties! It's the old, old story yet again!
10. Oh well hard luck lads, you played your hearts out and gave your all. Never mind that thanks to the footballing powers that be we were technically inferior to our opposition and didn't actually deserve to be anything more than a team just making up the required numbers for the competition. There is one silver lining, no one is screaming "believe" in each others faces now, well not for another 2 years at least, when we'll go through all this crap again. Oh great fucking joy!
There you have it, one cynical and jaded fans view of England at an international tournament. Maybe next time they'll prove me wrong and football will really come home, but I ain't getting my hopes built up anymore!
Well Euro 2012 ended up in a depressingly familiar way for us England fans, we were subjected to another competition exit by the losing of a penalty shoot-out. 7 penalty shoot-outs lost out of 8 we've taken part in. Something tells me that we're shit at taking penalties under pressure.
So what do we do now? Well it's as you were, we move on, we regroup and we prepare ourselves for the next inevitable quarter-final exit.
And this is how things will go:
1. Qualification. Yaaaaaaaaayyy!! We've qualified for another European Championship/World Cup. This time it's gonna be ours. This time football is coming home!
2. Naming the squad. What?? Why?? How the fuck did he get in, he's shit? Why isn't he in the squad, he's been the leagues best player? Every time the England squad is named nearly every one of us turns into a professional manager, 'cause we know best ya know! The current boss doesn't stand a chance.
3. All radio channels overplay every single football and football related song they can think of, just to get us in the mood! Because if we don't listen to John Barnes rapping at least 10 times a day then we're not going to appreciate the tournament we're in.
4. Facebook and other social media sites get spammed with people screaming "believe" at each other. Believe and we can do it, believe and this group of lead-footed players will magically turn into Barcelona overnight, believe and we'll not only win this tournament but bring about world peace and also galactic peace. Belief is all we need ya know!
Gonna have to pause the list here a moment while I vent. If someone says to me "believe" again, I'm gonna burp in their face, preferably after eating garlic all day. If belief was all we needed then we would have qualified and won every competition ever. But it's not and we haven't! Talent and ability win the big shiny things, not a group of pissed up people with Union Jack's tattooed onto every conceivable body part.
Vent over!
5. The pre-tournament friendlies. We scrape to a few 1-0 wins over nations who'd struggle to play in a pub league. But hey a win's a win no matter how well you play, besides the players have to get used to playing with each other. You've gotta beli... *slap*
6. It's time for the opening game, the beer is bought, the crisps and other snacks are ready and waiting. We all strive to sing the national anthem, without knowing a fucking word of it. We play shit and sneak our way to a lucky result, usually a draw. But c'mon, that's the hardest game in the group over with, and they had 12 men to our 11 'cause the ref was clearly on their side. Despite the ref sending off 2 of their players and denying them 20 clear cut penalty claims. We never won so the ref was dodgy!
7. Rinse and repeat point 6, just change the excuses for the performance, "they were the host nation", "they've always been our bogey side". Argue and get upset on Facebook, threaten to delete people because they dare to be critical. Being critical makes them shit fans and not fit to be called English.
8. Somehow qualify from the group, find out that Germany could be faced at some point before reaching the final. Worry.
9. We reach the quarter-finals, even the most pessimistic start to feel a slight touch of excitement. Extra time and penalties are a very real possibility and the tabloid newspapers mention this on the back page every day until the game. And the game is underway, the streets of England are eerily silent, even the chavs have stopped threatening people for a few hours. Well wouldn't you know it, after 2 hours of biting your nails all the way down it's penalties. AGAIN! Which England players will miss and get to star in Pizza Hut adverts for a few years? England lose on penalties! It's the old, old story yet again!
10. Oh well hard luck lads, you played your hearts out and gave your all. Never mind that thanks to the footballing powers that be we were technically inferior to our opposition and didn't actually deserve to be anything more than a team just making up the required numbers for the competition. There is one silver lining, no one is screaming "believe" in each others faces now, well not for another 2 years at least, when we'll go through all this crap again. Oh great fucking joy!
There you have it, one cynical and jaded fans view of England at an international tournament. Maybe next time they'll prove me wrong and football will really come home, but I ain't getting my hopes built up anymore!
Friday, 22 June 2012
10 things to remember for a night on the booze
The following helpful list is brought to you by fond memories of staggering home at 4am, not being able to figure out the use of a door-key and thus having to make the doorstep your bed for the night.
The following tips aren't in any particular order of importance, just how they came to me.*
10
Always keep track of your friends. It's just possible, when you've sunk quite a few drinks and the alcohol is saying hello to your brain, that you might mistakenly carry on a conversation with a chair or other inanimate object, mistakenly believing it to be your friend. This generally happens when you turn away for just a moment and the friend you were conversing with goes to the bar without informing you. So always watch your friends, it can save you from years of embarrassment and piss-taking.
9
When partaking in the buying of rounds, always make sure that you have the cheapest drinks when you're buying and the most expensive when your friends get out their wallets. While this may make you out to be a cheapskate, just remember you have hours of drinking to get through therefore your money needs to last.
8
That dodgy kebab shop that stays open until 3am is dodgy for a very good reason. Just because you've drunk enough booze to fill the Pacific ocean twice over doesn't mean you are now a super being who is immune to food poisoning. Stay safe, avoid kebabs made with unknown meats and pizzas that have been chucked in an incinerator. There's always bread at home, you can have toast.
7
Alcohol does NOT improve your ability to dance. If you dance like a twat with 2 left feet when you're sober, then chances are excellent that you'll dance like a drunk twat with 2 left feet when you're lashed. Spare your blushes, and possible appearances on YouTube and don't dance at all.
6
Similar to the above point, alcohol does NOT improve your ability to sing. If you sound like a cat being strangled with cheese-wire and having its tail pulled at the same time, then trust me when you're drunk you'll sound 10 times worse and the police may be called to see who's being murdered in the pub. So when the karaoke comes out resist that temptation to jump up and pretend you're a rock star.
5
Beware of beer goggles. This should be really obvious, but sadly even to this very day many people still ignore this advice. You can always be assured that on a night out at least one person will succumb to the power of beer goggles and consequently see someone of the opposite sex as more attractive than they actually are. This then leads to a night of sex (always a good thing), followed by horror and recrimination in the morning as you realise who's home you went back to. The only thing to do then is follow the time-honoured tradition and escape through a kitchen window. So remember, alcohol alters the reality of your perceptions.
4
As a counterpoint to the above point, always hope someone has beer goggles. If you look like me and have a face that could give Freddy Krueger some seriously fucked up nightmares, then beer goggles are your friend. They are quite possibly one of the few chances you have of getting laid. And if you take somebody to bed at night and wake up alone in the morning you've always got the comforting thought that at least you had sex. So live in hope my fellow freaks.
3
Alcohol does NOT make you a charmer. Just because you're drunk and feeling very eloquent, doesn't mean that your favourite cheesy and shit chat-up lines are suddenly going to work. You may think you're acting all smooth and sexy, but in reality you're just acting like a pervy twat, probably drooling all over and smelling of spilt beer. To save yourself getting a slap, borrow some deodorant, have yourself a wash and buy the object of your affection a drink. That way if you do get knocked back at least it'll be polite and relatively pain-free.
2
Drunk ramblings do NOT impress strangers. When you're drunk you have a tendency to believe that random strangers in a pub both want and need to hear your opinions on every fucking subject you can think of. Since you're drunk, music and politics seem to be the only subjects you can think of to inflict on unsuspecting strangers. And you do so, in excruciating detail, until the poor bastards are so bored and/or traumatised by you that some friendly person has to jump to their rescue. If you do want to vent your opinions, vent at the barman, he's getting paid to be in your presense.
1
No complaining. You've had a great night out, had lots of laughs and drunk various and undoubtedly weird drinks. You've managed to get yourself home and into bed safely, where you can fall unconscious for a few hours. In the morning you'll wake up and feel like a whole troupe of people wearing steel toe capped boots have stopped by in the middle of the night and used your head as an impromptu dance floor. This is your hangover. You may feel the need to cry and whinge all day, but you shouldn't. Why? Because you've paid good money to create this hangover. You know the consequences of having a good night out, yet you willingly go ahead anyhow, therefore you deal with your misery in a dignified way and not complain. The saying "I'm never drinking again!!!" is exempt from this as it is not technically a complaint, it's more a long-standing weekend tradition uttered by almost every person in the drinking world.
*This is a lighthearted, humorous post and should be read as such. Under no circumstances should you harbour any desires to hunt me down and have me killed for any offence you may take from reading this!
The following tips aren't in any particular order of importance, just how they came to me.*
10
Always keep track of your friends. It's just possible, when you've sunk quite a few drinks and the alcohol is saying hello to your brain, that you might mistakenly carry on a conversation with a chair or other inanimate object, mistakenly believing it to be your friend. This generally happens when you turn away for just a moment and the friend you were conversing with goes to the bar without informing you. So always watch your friends, it can save you from years of embarrassment and piss-taking.
9
When partaking in the buying of rounds, always make sure that you have the cheapest drinks when you're buying and the most expensive when your friends get out their wallets. While this may make you out to be a cheapskate, just remember you have hours of drinking to get through therefore your money needs to last.
8
That dodgy kebab shop that stays open until 3am is dodgy for a very good reason. Just because you've drunk enough booze to fill the Pacific ocean twice over doesn't mean you are now a super being who is immune to food poisoning. Stay safe, avoid kebabs made with unknown meats and pizzas that have been chucked in an incinerator. There's always bread at home, you can have toast.
7
Alcohol does NOT improve your ability to dance. If you dance like a twat with 2 left feet when you're sober, then chances are excellent that you'll dance like a drunk twat with 2 left feet when you're lashed. Spare your blushes, and possible appearances on YouTube and don't dance at all.
6
Similar to the above point, alcohol does NOT improve your ability to sing. If you sound like a cat being strangled with cheese-wire and having its tail pulled at the same time, then trust me when you're drunk you'll sound 10 times worse and the police may be called to see who's being murdered in the pub. So when the karaoke comes out resist that temptation to jump up and pretend you're a rock star.
5
Beware of beer goggles. This should be really obvious, but sadly even to this very day many people still ignore this advice. You can always be assured that on a night out at least one person will succumb to the power of beer goggles and consequently see someone of the opposite sex as more attractive than they actually are. This then leads to a night of sex (always a good thing), followed by horror and recrimination in the morning as you realise who's home you went back to. The only thing to do then is follow the time-honoured tradition and escape through a kitchen window. So remember, alcohol alters the reality of your perceptions.
4
As a counterpoint to the above point, always hope someone has beer goggles. If you look like me and have a face that could give Freddy Krueger some seriously fucked up nightmares, then beer goggles are your friend. They are quite possibly one of the few chances you have of getting laid. And if you take somebody to bed at night and wake up alone in the morning you've always got the comforting thought that at least you had sex. So live in hope my fellow freaks.
3
Alcohol does NOT make you a charmer. Just because you're drunk and feeling very eloquent, doesn't mean that your favourite cheesy and shit chat-up lines are suddenly going to work. You may think you're acting all smooth and sexy, but in reality you're just acting like a pervy twat, probably drooling all over and smelling of spilt beer. To save yourself getting a slap, borrow some deodorant, have yourself a wash and buy the object of your affection a drink. That way if you do get knocked back at least it'll be polite and relatively pain-free.
2
Drunk ramblings do NOT impress strangers. When you're drunk you have a tendency to believe that random strangers in a pub both want and need to hear your opinions on every fucking subject you can think of. Since you're drunk, music and politics seem to be the only subjects you can think of to inflict on unsuspecting strangers. And you do so, in excruciating detail, until the poor bastards are so bored and/or traumatised by you that some friendly person has to jump to their rescue. If you do want to vent your opinions, vent at the barman, he's getting paid to be in your presense.
1
No complaining. You've had a great night out, had lots of laughs and drunk various and undoubtedly weird drinks. You've managed to get yourself home and into bed safely, where you can fall unconscious for a few hours. In the morning you'll wake up and feel like a whole troupe of people wearing steel toe capped boots have stopped by in the middle of the night and used your head as an impromptu dance floor. This is your hangover. You may feel the need to cry and whinge all day, but you shouldn't. Why? Because you've paid good money to create this hangover. You know the consequences of having a good night out, yet you willingly go ahead anyhow, therefore you deal with your misery in a dignified way and not complain. The saying "I'm never drinking again!!!" is exempt from this as it is not technically a complaint, it's more a long-standing weekend tradition uttered by almost every person in the drinking world.
*This is a lighthearted, humorous post and should be read as such. Under no circumstances should you harbour any desires to hunt me down and have me killed for any offence you may take from reading this!
Thursday, 21 June 2012
TV theme music FTW
It's raining today, so I'm bored and can't really go out (not that I was planning to go out anyways, but still). So rather than doing something productive like changing the bedding or vacuuming the dog, I'm just gonna sit in front of YouTube all day.
While I'm on YouTube I thought why not look for theme music for some of my favourite TV shows. And after doing that I thought why not make a blog post about my top 10.
Since I can't resist the allure of inflicting nostalgic memories on people, here we go with my top 10 intro themes from shows I loved when growing up.
At number 10 we have Knight Rider, a show about The Hoff and a talking car. The premise was cool and to a young lad the show was cool ('cause every growing boy loves a talking car that can do everything apart from your chores), and the intro theme music was just, well, cool.
While I'm on YouTube I thought why not look for theme music for some of my favourite TV shows. And after doing that I thought why not make a blog post about my top 10.
Since I can't resist the allure of inflicting nostalgic memories on people, here we go with my top 10 intro themes from shows I loved when growing up.
At number 10 we have Knight Rider, a show about The Hoff and a talking car. The premise was cool and to a young lad the show was cool ('cause every growing boy loves a talking car that can do everything apart from your chores), and the intro theme music was just, well, cool.
In at number 9 we have Streethawk. A classic TV show about a bike that could travel at warp speed! Without the guy riding it ever falling off!! How fucking awesome is that? And the theme music was pretty damn great as well, it got into your head and you'd find yourself humming it as you wandered to school and back.
Star Trek: The Next Generation makes it in at number 8. Could I really call myself a geek if I didn't like some Star Trek? With this version gone was the cheesiness of the 60's original and in came 80's cheese and good moral values. And the theme music is still the best Star Trek theme music ever!
Number 7, but could so easily have been number 1 on a different day is the brilliant Airwolf. Pure helicopter awesomeness! The first 3 seasons with Jan Michael Vincent are the best, the 4th season had some guy named Barry in the lead role, less said there the better. And the intro music is still some of the best music on a TV show ever.
Number 6 is the original Battlestar Galactica. Without a doubt the revamped version is probably the better show, but the original version beats it hands down for it's opening music. It's epic in every sense of the word, far better than the bullshit "music" they used for the new version.
Here we go with number 5, and a theme song so great I just had to have it for my iPod. It is of course The Littlest Hobo, a show about possibly the greatest dog in the history of dogs! Fuck you Lassie, you may be more famous, but you ain't half as cool as London!
Number 4. And you knew that this show would be somewhere on this list, because no list of TV show intro's would be complete without the A-Team around. As soon as those awesome opening credits start, you know you're in for a treat, and with Hannibal and his boys you get full satisfaction!
Entering in at number 3 on my list, another theme track that could have made number. It's the theme music for one of the great TV shows of all time, Quantum Leap. I remember my sister and I would watch this religiously, just to see what or who Dr Sam Beckett had become this week. If you've never seen Quantum Leap then you need to give yourself a slap and then get some serious TV time in!
In at number 2 now is the classic 80's show The Fall Guy. Lee Majors made being a stuntman look like the job every boy should aspire to, though our attempts to emulate him usually ended up with grazed knees, bruises and tears as we fell over fences and whatnot. As for the theme, well, I want this song, I am going to make it my life's mission to have this song! It's that cool!
NUMBER 1. The single greatest TV show of all time!!! It's Macgyver. The A-Team need power tools and a fully stocked warehouse to make their weapons, Michael Knight needs a talking car to help him out when he's in trouble. Macgyver needs no ones help whatsoever and give him a ball of string and a box of matches and he'll make a weapon the A-Team can only dream of! Macgyver is the man whom Chuck Norris worships as a living god. And the theme music is genius, I could sit here all day and listen and grin like a fucking idiot. I may possibly be getting a tad excited here, so I'm just going to head off to Amazon and see if I can purchase all 7 seasons of this TV work of art.
Well that's my list of great TV theme music and inserted YouTube clips. You may disagree if you like, but this is my blog, so blah!
Monday, 18 June 2012
The eminently quotableness of the evil Mumm-Ra
I recently read a blog post containing quotes from one of the great cartoon villains of the 80's, this has inspired me to search out quotes from another of the great 80's cartoon villains. So I bring back to your memories the genius of the most evil, Mumm-Ra The Ever Living.
Now, Lion-O and his feline friends will be ready for trouble. And I, Mumm-Ra, will make sure they get it.
It is not the strength of arms that will win this battle. It's the strength of will!
By all the pharaohs, someone will pay for this!
Why, you miserable Mutant!
I'm most impressed, Vultureman. I had no idea you were so talented.
Not so fast, my feathered friend. We have some bargaining to do.
The Lord of the Thundercats trapped in a book! What better way for him to catch up on his reading?
Save me! Help me! Get me out of here!
Welcome to Ravage Island, Thunderslaves!
Forget it, Lion-O. Not even the Eye of Thundera can give you the willpower to break these prison bars. In fact, you may as well give me that toy.
There is nothing more tiring that organizing these wretched Mutants.
He has defeated all my devil forms, and soon he will penetrate my home. My fortress. The Black Pyramid itself. That is the moment he will face ... evil chuckle ... my full *fury*!
So it comes down to you and me. One on one. The power of my evil pitted against your feeble goodness.
Ding dong dell, kitten's in the well.
This thing must have the worst gas-mileage on New Thundera.
Your petty heroics will not save the lair, Lion-O! All I have to do is turn up the power.
Mummy overboard! Man the life rafts! Women and children first! My cloak! The colors will run! The bandages will shrink!
I might as well do some annoying while I'm here.
Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living is back on stage, Thundercats. My debut will be your final curtain.
Zaxx, in the body of Snarf? Oh, how terrifying.
Those you see are the only ones there at present. I thought you might give them a hand in giving their elders a warm welcome when they return. Assuming of course you are capable of crushing a couple of kittens.
The Thundercats have the foolish notion that all life is precious. Rest assured: they will come here, and we will profit from their... weakness.
And there we come to the end of the trip down of this particular memory lane.
Now, Lion-O and his feline friends will be ready for trouble. And I, Mumm-Ra, will make sure they get it.
It is not the strength of arms that will win this battle. It's the strength of will!
By all the pharaohs, someone will pay for this!
Why, you miserable Mutant!
I'm most impressed, Vultureman. I had no idea you were so talented.
Not so fast, my feathered friend. We have some bargaining to do.
The Lord of the Thundercats trapped in a book! What better way for him to catch up on his reading?
Save me! Help me! Get me out of here!
Welcome to Ravage Island, Thunderslaves!
Forget it, Lion-O. Not even the Eye of Thundera can give you the willpower to break these prison bars. In fact, you may as well give me that toy.
There is nothing more tiring that organizing these wretched Mutants.
He has defeated all my devil forms, and soon he will penetrate my home. My fortress. The Black Pyramid itself. That is the moment he will face ... evil chuckle ... my full *fury*!
So it comes down to you and me. One on one. The power of my evil pitted against your feeble goodness.
Ding dong dell, kitten's in the well.
This thing must have the worst gas-mileage on New Thundera.
Your petty heroics will not save the lair, Lion-O! All I have to do is turn up the power.
Mummy overboard! Man the life rafts! Women and children first! My cloak! The colors will run! The bandages will shrink!
I might as well do some annoying while I'm here.
Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living is back on stage, Thundercats. My debut will be your final curtain.
Zaxx, in the body of Snarf? Oh, how terrifying.
Those you see are the only ones there at present. I thought you might give them a hand in giving their elders a warm welcome when they return. Assuming of course you are capable of crushing a couple of kittens.
The Thundercats have the foolish notion that all life is precious. Rest assured: they will come here, and we will profit from their... weakness.
And there we come to the end of the trip down of this particular memory lane.
The rather small vampire happiness guide
Today I turn my attention to one of the most misunderstood minority groups currently living among us today (can I say living among us as they are not technically alive?) As the title of today's blog suggests I am looking at the vampire.
We all know their history as the most feared of all the supernatural beings, how they are vicious, evil killers with no sense of morality whatsoever and how they'd even steal a Barbie doll from a little girl just because they can. But for all they are undead monsters with a penchant for blood and a flair for the dramatic, vampire's are actually rather sweet, cuddly and lonely and just need a bit of loving to be able to function in modern society.
Due to my time watching TV and reading the odd book, I feel I can now offer my knowledgeable advice.
So to all you blood-suckers out there and freaks ... erm ... people with different views and aspirations, this is my definitive guide to leading full, productive and happy unlives.
Number one
Make friends outside of your community. Other supernatural creatures can be just as lonely as you and are not averse to making friends with someone of a differing view point. As the popular documentary series Being Human has shown us, it is perfectly acceptable for a vampire and a werewolf to be friends. The old traditions are dying and you are now in a more modern, enlightened world. Embrace other cultures and you will be amazed at what similarities you share with other groups. Remember, friendliness increases happiness.
Number two
Watch what you eat. As a vampire it's so easy to view the world as one big version of McDonalds, were all the food is free. But dining on particular people can lead to all sorts of avoidable consequences, such as antagonizing the crazy folk who view the pounding of sharpened wooden stakes through a heart as a great career choice. I suggest dining exclusively on chavs, no one would miss them and you'd be doing the world a huge favour. So be happy, feed on chavs, they are available on the menu's of most countries, usually under a variety of names.
Number three
Dress to impress. All the world knows of the suave and sophisticated vampires of years gone by, always sharply dressed, usually having a bow-tie and cape to give out a certain image. Those vampires knew the value of a good set of clothes and it's no surprise to learn they were mostly happy (even if they were a bit to stuck in their ways to follow points 1 and 2). Dressing smart and looking after your appearance improves confidence and makes others see you in a more favourable light. Try and avoid the temptation to glitter if you can. While this current trend could enable you to gather a collection of groupies, there is the very real possibility that you won't be taken seriously ever again. You may even become the subject of ridicule and scorn from those who are meant to fear you and that my sharp-toothed friends is most definitely not conductive to happiness.
Number four
Have new and fun experiences. Just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you have to be constantly on the lookout for the next neck to bite. Have some fun with your undead existence, walk through a maze of mirrors without being freaked out or confused, take up moonbathing as a way to relax from the stresses of the night (it may not be as popular as sunbathing, but it's also far less messier, no greasy suncream to smear all over yourself), you could even surf the net for vampire porn, I'm pretty sure it's out there, if not then you can always make your own. Travel the world, barring unfortunate accidents (lunatics with wooden stakes, unfortunate garlic accidents), then you have virtually all eternity to see everything you've always wanted to. These are just a tiny few of the things you can do to improve your unlife and be a happy vampire.
Number five
Live in the community. These days living in a lonely castle in some out the way mountainous location is very clique. Apart from the superstitious local people who will take any opportunity to form a torch wielding lynch mob, remote castles are just not very practical for the modern, forward thinking vampire. There's no modern amenities to them, no TV so you can relax and watch Jeremy Kyle, no internet to search for kinky vampire porn there's not even an electric shower so you can wash off the excess blood that you couldn't quite catch at the time. No, castles should definitely not be on the list of real estate you look at. A plush apartment in a thriving city is the way to go, you have it all there, the comfort and convenience of all modern gadgetry, a ready supply of unmissable chavs and lots of fashionable clothing stores. There might even be (if you look hard enough), focus, support and even dating groups for all minority supernatural beings, where you can meet like minded monsters and develop the kind of relationships you want. So to be happy and free live in the big city, you won't make a better choice.
Well thank you all for reading, I hope some of the advice I've given can be useful to you.
We all know their history as the most feared of all the supernatural beings, how they are vicious, evil killers with no sense of morality whatsoever and how they'd even steal a Barbie doll from a little girl just because they can. But for all they are undead monsters with a penchant for blood and a flair for the dramatic, vampire's are actually rather sweet, cuddly and lonely and just need a bit of loving to be able to function in modern society.
Due to my time watching TV and reading the odd book, I feel I can now offer my knowledgeable advice.
So to all you blood-suckers out there and freaks ... erm ... people with different views and aspirations, this is my definitive guide to leading full, productive and happy unlives.
Number one
Make friends outside of your community. Other supernatural creatures can be just as lonely as you and are not averse to making friends with someone of a differing view point. As the popular documentary series Being Human has shown us, it is perfectly acceptable for a vampire and a werewolf to be friends. The old traditions are dying and you are now in a more modern, enlightened world. Embrace other cultures and you will be amazed at what similarities you share with other groups. Remember, friendliness increases happiness.
Number two
Watch what you eat. As a vampire it's so easy to view the world as one big version of McDonalds, were all the food is free. But dining on particular people can lead to all sorts of avoidable consequences, such as antagonizing the crazy folk who view the pounding of sharpened wooden stakes through a heart as a great career choice. I suggest dining exclusively on chavs, no one would miss them and you'd be doing the world a huge favour. So be happy, feed on chavs, they are available on the menu's of most countries, usually under a variety of names.
Number three
Dress to impress. All the world knows of the suave and sophisticated vampires of years gone by, always sharply dressed, usually having a bow-tie and cape to give out a certain image. Those vampires knew the value of a good set of clothes and it's no surprise to learn they were mostly happy (even if they were a bit to stuck in their ways to follow points 1 and 2). Dressing smart and looking after your appearance improves confidence and makes others see you in a more favourable light. Try and avoid the temptation to glitter if you can. While this current trend could enable you to gather a collection of groupies, there is the very real possibility that you won't be taken seriously ever again. You may even become the subject of ridicule and scorn from those who are meant to fear you and that my sharp-toothed friends is most definitely not conductive to happiness.
Number four
Have new and fun experiences. Just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you have to be constantly on the lookout for the next neck to bite. Have some fun with your undead existence, walk through a maze of mirrors without being freaked out or confused, take up moonbathing as a way to relax from the stresses of the night (it may not be as popular as sunbathing, but it's also far less messier, no greasy suncream to smear all over yourself), you could even surf the net for vampire porn, I'm pretty sure it's out there, if not then you can always make your own. Travel the world, barring unfortunate accidents (lunatics with wooden stakes, unfortunate garlic accidents), then you have virtually all eternity to see everything you've always wanted to. These are just a tiny few of the things you can do to improve your unlife and be a happy vampire.
Number five
Live in the community. These days living in a lonely castle in some out the way mountainous location is very clique. Apart from the superstitious local people who will take any opportunity to form a torch wielding lynch mob, remote castles are just not very practical for the modern, forward thinking vampire. There's no modern amenities to them, no TV so you can relax and watch Jeremy Kyle, no internet to search for kinky vampire porn there's not even an electric shower so you can wash off the excess blood that you couldn't quite catch at the time. No, castles should definitely not be on the list of real estate you look at. A plush apartment in a thriving city is the way to go, you have it all there, the comfort and convenience of all modern gadgetry, a ready supply of unmissable chavs and lots of fashionable clothing stores. There might even be (if you look hard enough), focus, support and even dating groups for all minority supernatural beings, where you can meet like minded monsters and develop the kind of relationships you want. So to be happy and free live in the big city, you won't make a better choice.
Well thank you all for reading, I hope some of the advice I've given can be useful to you.
Friday, 15 June 2012
Zombie Apocalypse: the survival guide
With a zombie invasion imminent ... hey I'm sure it'll happen at some point, Nostradamus predicted it, unless I've imagined that part!
But anyways, when the walking dead rise up and shamble and lurch their way to world domination, it's gonna be a case of survival of the fittest for us mere humans. Darwinism at its most extreme. So after painstaking and devoted research (I trawled a couple of websites), I've come up with a few of my own pointers for getting through this hell alive.
I'm sure if you follow all the following points you'll be safe and well (or you'll become a combination of breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you won't be able to complain at me then, will you?)
So here goes:
THE SEVEN POINT SURVIVAL GUIDE
(1) You are not Bruce Campbell! Even though Bruce Campbell will likely become our leader and be almost a god to us in the testing times ahead, emulating him will be dangerous and could result in loss of limbs or life. Staying in his shadow however is a reasoned and intelligent action.
(2) Running shoes! I can't stress enough just how important a good pair of running shoes can be. How often have you watched a George Romero movie and wondered just how inappropriate the footwear on view is? I mean would you really want to flee a horde of drooling killers in a pair of high heel slingbacks, or the sensible shoes you wear for work? Thought not! Forget fashion, invest in your survival!
(3) Exercise! Getting fit now will help you in the long run. So lift those weights, swim those laps, pound that treadmill and get your stretches done, because if you're the slowest or weakest in your group ... well then you're the days sacrifice.
(4) Weapons! Every survivor needs to be armed, it'll be bloody difficult to get around if you're not. By all means carry a few guns around if you must, but they should be a last resort, think about it these are zombies, they're already dead, bullets aren't going to do anything more than annoy them. What you need is something you can swing and has a fair bit of reach, you need to stay clear of grasping arms. I suggest a chainsaw on a long piece of rope, using this method you can effectively hold off a horde of zombies until Bruce Campbell can pull off a heroic rescue mission. A little tip here, when using the chainsaw on a rope always aim for the legs. If you chop its legs off it can't come pursuing you can it?
(5) Withstanding pain! Lets face it, you're probably not going to survive all this without suffering at least one painful injury. Preparation is the key here, while you still have the luxury of time get some pain exercises in. Go and lie on a bed of nails, spend a few hours with a teething puppy and fall off a few walls, anything to build up that pain threshold. Have someone kick you repeatedly between the legs (this does not apply to women and eunuchs). Oh and get a few paper-cuts, there's no injury quite as bad as a fresh paper-cut! All of those sound bad, but you'll be glad you've subjected yourself to them when you're getting chomped on by a pair of muddy gnashers!
(6) Shelter! Possibly one of the most important things about surviving the zombie plague is having a safe, defensible shelter. You need somewhere to sleep at night, store all your belongings and survival gear, recover from wounds suffered and where you can make all your necessary plans. A good, sturdy house can be a life saver. Be careful when selecting your future home though, log cabins in the woods, terraced houses with connecting attics and houses built on old graveyards should not be considered as viable options (the last one is particularly bad, you don't want to contend with old Indian curses and spirits as well as blood-thirsty zombies). A good stone built semi-detached is probably the best, not one of the newer pre-fabricated houses though. Make sure all the downstairs windows and doors are properly boarded up, with real, solid wood, not the cheap MDF stuff that's readily available in shops. Always have a point of escape, if you're escape route is through an upstairs window make sure you have something soft to cushion your landing, if you break your ankles when jumping then you're not doing much escaping. And finally have a generator, you'll need one to power the fridge and keep your beer cold on those long lonely nights with no TV.
(7) Always have a plan! You can't just go wandering aimlessly round a zombie infested world, you need to know what you're doing each and every day. Whether that's hunting for food, checking for survivor's, taking the war back to the undead or even just trying to be normal in an abnormal world, all those will require meticulous planning to maximize safety and minimize risk. When things go wrong always have a back-up plan, be creative in what you can use for a weapon, don't give in to sentiment, use your slower and weaker friends as effective zombie bait. Keeping a good supply of notebooks in your home is a must, if you leave the house in the morning with a well thought out, well written out plan, then you're more likely to return safely at night.
So there we go, that concludes the seven points to surviving during a zombie apocalypse.
Disclaimer: The above points are a guideline only. The author accepts no responsibility whatsoever for you becoming the zombie equivalent of a bacon sandwich.
But anyways, when the walking dead rise up and shamble and lurch their way to world domination, it's gonna be a case of survival of the fittest for us mere humans. Darwinism at its most extreme. So after painstaking and devoted research (I trawled a couple of websites), I've come up with a few of my own pointers for getting through this hell alive.
I'm sure if you follow all the following points you'll be safe and well (or you'll become a combination of breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you won't be able to complain at me then, will you?)
So here goes:
THE SEVEN POINT SURVIVAL GUIDE
(1) You are not Bruce Campbell! Even though Bruce Campbell will likely become our leader and be almost a god to us in the testing times ahead, emulating him will be dangerous and could result in loss of limbs or life. Staying in his shadow however is a reasoned and intelligent action.
(2) Running shoes! I can't stress enough just how important a good pair of running shoes can be. How often have you watched a George Romero movie and wondered just how inappropriate the footwear on view is? I mean would you really want to flee a horde of drooling killers in a pair of high heel slingbacks, or the sensible shoes you wear for work? Thought not! Forget fashion, invest in your survival!
(3) Exercise! Getting fit now will help you in the long run. So lift those weights, swim those laps, pound that treadmill and get your stretches done, because if you're the slowest or weakest in your group ... well then you're the days sacrifice.
(4) Weapons! Every survivor needs to be armed, it'll be bloody difficult to get around if you're not. By all means carry a few guns around if you must, but they should be a last resort, think about it these are zombies, they're already dead, bullets aren't going to do anything more than annoy them. What you need is something you can swing and has a fair bit of reach, you need to stay clear of grasping arms. I suggest a chainsaw on a long piece of rope, using this method you can effectively hold off a horde of zombies until Bruce Campbell can pull off a heroic rescue mission. A little tip here, when using the chainsaw on a rope always aim for the legs. If you chop its legs off it can't come pursuing you can it?
(5) Withstanding pain! Lets face it, you're probably not going to survive all this without suffering at least one painful injury. Preparation is the key here, while you still have the luxury of time get some pain exercises in. Go and lie on a bed of nails, spend a few hours with a teething puppy and fall off a few walls, anything to build up that pain threshold. Have someone kick you repeatedly between the legs (this does not apply to women and eunuchs). Oh and get a few paper-cuts, there's no injury quite as bad as a fresh paper-cut! All of those sound bad, but you'll be glad you've subjected yourself to them when you're getting chomped on by a pair of muddy gnashers!
(6) Shelter! Possibly one of the most important things about surviving the zombie plague is having a safe, defensible shelter. You need somewhere to sleep at night, store all your belongings and survival gear, recover from wounds suffered and where you can make all your necessary plans. A good, sturdy house can be a life saver. Be careful when selecting your future home though, log cabins in the woods, terraced houses with connecting attics and houses built on old graveyards should not be considered as viable options (the last one is particularly bad, you don't want to contend with old Indian curses and spirits as well as blood-thirsty zombies). A good stone built semi-detached is probably the best, not one of the newer pre-fabricated houses though. Make sure all the downstairs windows and doors are properly boarded up, with real, solid wood, not the cheap MDF stuff that's readily available in shops. Always have a point of escape, if you're escape route is through an upstairs window make sure you have something soft to cushion your landing, if you break your ankles when jumping then you're not doing much escaping. And finally have a generator, you'll need one to power the fridge and keep your beer cold on those long lonely nights with no TV.
(7) Always have a plan! You can't just go wandering aimlessly round a zombie infested world, you need to know what you're doing each and every day. Whether that's hunting for food, checking for survivor's, taking the war back to the undead or even just trying to be normal in an abnormal world, all those will require meticulous planning to maximize safety and minimize risk. When things go wrong always have a back-up plan, be creative in what you can use for a weapon, don't give in to sentiment, use your slower and weaker friends as effective zombie bait. Keeping a good supply of notebooks in your home is a must, if you leave the house in the morning with a well thought out, well written out plan, then you're more likely to return safely at night.
So there we go, that concludes the seven points to surviving during a zombie apocalypse.
Disclaimer: The above points are a guideline only. The author accepts no responsibility whatsoever for you becoming the zombie equivalent of a bacon sandwich.
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