Things of great evil.

I'm sat here, maybe enjoying a vodka or 10, and am about to have a ramble about some of the great, unacknowledged evils in the world.

Not the evils that affect the world, but the more personal, everyday evils. Those that leave you cursing fate and family members alike. First world problems in other words!

This is the start of the rambling list of evilness:

I - Running out of brew making equipment

Don't you just fucking hate it when you go into the kitchen, switch on the kettle, wash your cup and then discover that you have no coffee/sugar/tea/milk? What bastard trick of fate allows this to happen?? Blame has to be placed somewhere, and since Hitler, Saddam and Stalin are all dead the obvious candidate for blame is whoever went to the shop last. If that person was you then blame everyone else for not reminding you!

Evilness rating 9/10

II - Lighter runs out and there's no spare in the house

This obviously only applies to smokers, so can be ignored by the healthy among you! I tell you though, it's friggin' annoying, you just want to enjoy a nice, unhealthy cig and your damn lighter won't work! Whether it's the the flint that has died or the gas has run out, plainly something somewhere wants you to suffer. It's not too bad if you have a gas cooker as the gas rings can be used until you can get to the shop. Beware of burned off eyebrows though.

Evilness rating 7/10

III - Being disturbed on the toilet

You've just sat down to do the crossword, read a book or write your will, when some inconsiderate bastard asks when you'll be done and can you hurry up. For fuck sakes you've probably worked and suffered all day, and you're just looking forward to that peaceful bathroom trip. But when you finally get yourself sat down everybody decides that they now need the toilet, despite having hours to visit before you even got home!! It's at this moment you wish for a shotgun. True you can always go back after every one has been, but it's the principle of the thing dammit!

Evilness rating 6/10

IV - Running out of alcohol

Imagine the scene; you've just finished a long, stressful weeks work, all you want to do is sit down with a few bottles and get steaming, blind drunk. You pour yourself a few drinks, get nicely merry and that's when you discover you've no booze left. Which utter, fucking heartless bastard drunk that bottle of vodka you had?? Who could do such a thing (it was probably you but you forgot all about it). You're forced to go to the shop when you're half-cut and that is something that no one should have to do, dealing with shop assistants when tipsy is pure evil (I'm a shop assistant I know these things).

Evilness rating 9/10

V - Fitted bed sheets

Although like any normal person I love the feel of getting into a freshly made bed, it feels good alright, don't judge me! I absolutely loathe with a passion the time when it comes to actually strip a bed down and remake it. Not for the reasons that others do, the duvet and shit, but for the fitted sheet. Is it only me, or would anyone else prefer to suffer some painful form of torture in order to escape the ordeal of the fucking fitted sheet? If I strip the bed during the day I'll put off the remaking of it as long as possible, often right to the very last hour of the day, just because I know what's coming. You pull the bed out as far as possible, get the corners of the sheet into place (after 5 minutes searching for the fucking things), so far so good. Here's were things start to go seriously wrong, each edge is elasticated so you can never tell which is top, bottom or the sides, you stretch the sheet down the bed and one corner comes loose, you swear. Refit the corner, stretch again and the other corner comes loose, your swearing multiplies. You restart the process, have some luck with no corners pulling loose and discover that you've got it on the wrong way, it ain't gonna stretch to the bottom of the bed, you invent swear words that never existed until that moment. By this time you're hot, sweaty and perfectly willing to spend the rest of your life sleeping on a bare mattress! You can't even make a fucking simple bed, just what does that bode for any dreamed of future success? Finally, finally you get the damned thing on, step back in pure relief and notice that there's creases and lumps everywhere. Scream!

You know, when I win the lottery, I'm gonna hire someone and pay them fucking good money just to make the bed every couple of weeks!

Evilness rating 10/10

That's my tiny list done, maybe you all have different things you consider evil, but I'm writing this for me, so kiss my arse if you don't agree! Or laugh and mock me, it's all good!



Here's my little disclaimer; this is a (poor) humourous list, if you take it all seriously then you may need to remove the stick up your arse :)