But anyways, when the walking dead rise up and shamble and lurch their way to world domination, it's gonna be a case of survival of the fittest for us mere humans. Darwinism at its most extreme. So after painstaking and devoted research (I trawled a couple of websites), I've come up with a few of my own pointers for getting through this hell alive.
I'm sure if you follow all the following points you'll be safe and well (or you'll become a combination of breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you won't be able to complain at me then, will you?)
So here goes:
THE SEVEN POINT SURVIVAL GUIDE
(1) You are not Bruce Campbell! Even though Bruce Campbell will likely become our leader and be almost a god to us in the testing times ahead, emulating him will be dangerous and could result in loss of limbs or life. Staying in his shadow however is a reasoned and intelligent action.
(2) Running shoes! I can't stress enough just how important a good pair of running shoes can be. How often have you watched a George Romero movie and wondered just how inappropriate the footwear on view is? I mean would you really want to flee a horde of drooling killers in a pair of high heel slingbacks, or the sensible shoes you wear for work? Thought not! Forget fashion, invest in your survival!
(3) Exercise! Getting fit now will help you in the long run. So lift those weights, swim those laps, pound that treadmill and get your stretches done, because if you're the slowest or weakest in your group ... well then you're the days sacrifice.
(4) Weapons! Every survivor needs to be armed, it'll be bloody difficult to get around if you're not. By all means carry a few guns around if you must, but they should be a last resort, think about it these are zombies, they're already dead, bullets aren't going to do anything more than annoy them. What you need is something you can swing and has a fair bit of reach, you need to stay clear of grasping arms. I suggest a chainsaw on a long piece of rope, using this method you can effectively hold off a horde of zombies until Bruce Campbell can pull off a heroic rescue mission. A little tip here, when using the chainsaw on a rope always aim for the legs. If you chop its legs off it can't come pursuing you can it?
(5) Withstanding pain! Lets face it, you're probably not going to survive all this without suffering at least one painful injury. Preparation is the key here, while you still have the luxury of time get some pain exercises in. Go and lie on a bed of nails, spend a few hours with a teething puppy and fall off a few walls, anything to build up that pain threshold. Have someone kick you repeatedly between the legs (this does not apply to women and eunuchs). Oh and get a few paper-cuts, there's no injury quite as bad as a fresh paper-cut! All of those sound bad, but you'll be glad you've subjected yourself to them when you're getting chomped on by a pair of muddy gnashers!
(6) Shelter! Possibly one of the most important things about surviving the zombie plague is having a safe, defensible shelter. You need somewhere to sleep at night, store all your belongings and survival gear, recover from wounds suffered and where you can make all your necessary plans. A good, sturdy house can be a life saver. Be careful when selecting your future home though, log cabins in the woods, terraced houses with connecting attics and houses built on old graveyards should not be considered as viable options (the last one is particularly bad, you don't want to contend with old Indian curses and spirits as well as blood-thirsty zombies). A good stone built semi-detached is probably the best, not one of the newer pre-fabricated houses though. Make sure all the downstairs windows and doors are properly boarded up, with real, solid wood, not the cheap MDF stuff that's readily available in shops. Always have a point of escape, if you're escape route is through an upstairs window make sure you have something soft to cushion your landing, if you break your ankles when jumping then you're not doing much escaping. And finally have a generator, you'll need one to power the fridge and keep your beer cold on those long lonely nights with no TV.
(7) Always have a plan! You can't just go wandering aimlessly round a zombie infested world, you need to know what you're doing each and every day. Whether that's hunting for food, checking for survivor's, taking the war back to the undead or even just trying to be normal in an abnormal world, all those will require meticulous planning to maximize safety and minimize risk. When things go wrong always have a back-up plan, be creative in what you can use for a weapon, don't give in to sentiment, use your slower and weaker friends as effective zombie bait. Keeping a good supply of notebooks in your home is a must, if you leave the house in the morning with a well thought out, well written out plan, then you're more likely to return safely at night.
So there we go, that concludes the seven points to surviving during a zombie apocalypse.
Disclaimer: The above points are a guideline only. The author accepts no responsibility whatsoever for you becoming the zombie equivalent of a bacon sandwich.
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